114- Robert Delena & Trusting Your Gut Over the Experts While Raising a Neurodivergent Kid
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Welcome to Every Brain is Different, the podcast where we celebrate the unique world of neurodiversity. We are your hosts, Samantha Foote, a neurodivergent, Board Certified Music Therapist and mom to three kids of ADHD and autism. And Lauren Ross, an ally to the neurodivergent community with over 10 years of experience supporting children and adults with autism.
This podcast is for parents like you. Navigating the world of neurodiversity with love and compassion. Together we'll create a world where every brain is valued and celebrated. We're excited to embark on this enlightening journey with you.
Transcript:
Samantha Foote: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Every Brain Is Different podcast. We are here with Robert Delena and he was raised in Massachusetts where he currently lives with his wife and his daughter Abigail. In 2023, Rob and his son Ryan, published Without Restraint from Falcon Press, chronicling Ryan's journey through several therapeutic schools after a diagnosis of pervasive development [00:01:00] disorder and how an impromptu ski day changed their lives.
Welcome to the show. I'm super excited to have you here.
Robert Delena: Thank you. I'm excited to talk to both of you. I've listened to a lot of your episodes and I, I feel like we'll have a lot to talk about.
Samantha Foote: Great. Awesome.
Can you tell us a little bit more about how you're involved in the Neurodivergent community?
Robert Delena: So, that's a great question and it's a hard one for me to answer because in a way, I wrote this book with Ryan about Ryan's experiences through the system. And Ryan, once he was diagnosed, we were certainly in the community. We were part of the community, but in a lot of ways, through skiing and and his development, I, I, I realized that he, he probably was misdiagnosed from the start and, and in, so in some ways we're a cautionary tale, which, which I, I, I'm nervous about saying because I, I don't want anyone to think, “hey. If you take your kid skiing, we can fix everything. If you take your kid hiking, you're gonna fix everything.” For Ryan, he was just such a unique [00:02:00] case in that he was a little boy who wouldn't sit still. And that led to parents who were embarrassed when we took him in public and said, “well, this kid's different than other kids. Maybe we should get some involvement with some professionals.” And when school suggested that we were all too willing, and then that led to the label, and then that label led to therapeutic schools that restrained him and led to medication and led to really all of these awful things for him, not for everybody. And, and so it's, it's a long answer to a short question and I anticipated it, as you can tell, because I was nervous. 'cause I don't ever want people to think that, that we cured him. But he's still the same kid he was when he was three years old. He still can be really difficult. He's still quirky, but he probably was overdiagnosed maybe is, is a better term than misdiagnosed. Does that make sense?
Samantha Foote: Yeah, yeah, for sure. I know kids get diagnoses or adults get diagnoses and then you learn more. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and then I was like, that doesn't really [00:03:00] fit. But the doctor said, “yeah, it doesn't fit you really well, but I have to do a diagnosis for insurance, so we're gonna pick this one.” And I said. “Okay.” And then I read more and learned more about ADHD and I was like, “I think I have ADHD.” And they're like, “oh, well, but you've already been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, so we don't need to go there.” And I'm like-
Robert Delena: We'll keep that one. Right. That was, for broad purposes, that's very similar to what happened, Ryan I think in a lot of ways. I think Ryan, he's probably a classic ADHD kid. Um, when we started going down that path, it's funny how, and remember this is Brian was born in 2001, so you know, around that time when he was three years old, you were sort of autistic or you weren't, the spectrum was just sort of coming out. And for a kid like that, they really weren't sure what to do with, but I remember his, his first psychotherapist saying, “we need a label. We gotta give him something so you can get services from the town.” And at the [00:04:00] time you think, all right, sure. Call it whatever you want. It doesn't really matter to us. We, we just know he is hard and, but that label sticks with you forever. And I could see a scenario where, especially with bipolar, it's such a big label, right? And everybody reacts to it, that it, no insurance company will question. And it's silly that this game has to take place. And I remember, half the time we would submit stuff, it would get covered, the other half of the time it wouldn't get covered. “Oh, you didn't code it, right. Oh, you gotta go back” and, you know, it's a semantic game. And at the end of the day, it, it, it probably hurt his, his case because we were so fixated on this, this label and the intricacies of it, and we weren't really focused on…
Until really I got into skiing, we'll skip forward a little bit outside where I could sort of see him in a different light and think “we just traveled here. We were in an airport”, we did all this stuff that, that he can't do at school. They won't even let him go to the water fountain alone. And here I am, I'm letting him go up a mountain and he's better than I am. And I, and he just leaves me and we meet somewhere at the bottom and he's seven or eight years old. And, and I started to really question like, [00:05:00] “is he really what they think he is? And he is really what I think he is.” And that, that was the, that was the big part of the book I think was my coming to terms with the fact that maybe my own insecurities about wanting this perfect kid played a part in being so willing to let them just take it, let the system take him. And, and that was the, that's the, the guilt I still live with today. And, and I, I try, I'm trying to get past it 'cause he is done well and he's a fantastic kid. But I, writing the book and talking like this, I, I relive it over again. And I think, “what, what was I thinking and what was my wife thinking?” And it's, it's a hard, it's hard to, to, to look back and, and know that you- Luck… I'm lucky he turned out okay. But we, we, we, we caused some damage there that we probably could have avoided had we just dealt with things on our own terms and said, “all right, he's hard. We need to manage him. We can't just wave a magic wand or have somebody else wave a ma- magic wand and fix him.”
Samantha Foote: Yeah. I think you bring up a good point that there are so many resources for kids and for parents. They are [00:06:00] hard to access a lot of the time, but you have to have a diagnosis to access those. And sometimes they're just not the right fit and that's okay. They are the right fit for some kids and they aren't the right fit for other kids. And so parents really have a hard job where they have to not just blindly trust whatever's recommended to them, but they really have to do the research and say, “is this appropriate for my kid?” Because professionals, like I am not blaming professionals. I am a professional that works with neurodivergent kids, but we just go by what we know and parents know their kids the best. And so it's really hard though when a- when a professional is saying, “your kid needs this to thrive, or they're never gonna-” I don't know, someone told someone that, “I know your kid's never gonna do all these things unless you get him in this certain therapy. Like they're, he's never gonna go on a date, he's [00:07:00] never gonna get married, he's never gonna hold a job. He is never gonna do this unless you do this therapy.” And I think that's really scary for parents. And so-
Robert Delena: You think any misstep will unravel everything and it's, it's especially when they're small and you think, and that's, they held that over our heads and, and, and so what you said is so important, it's the research going in. But then there's the, that sort of, is your kid better than everybody else? And that gut feeling and, and we wrote the book. I was, I was very mindful of the fact that the schools Ryan went to were, were, were awful for him again, for him, anytime you have a restraint type system, physical restraints. It's, it, for a kid like Ryan who fought back all the time. It was, it was a horrible environment. It was just created this, he was, he fight or flight was way outta whack. He always, for littlest mistakes, he expected to get either isolated or restrained and, and some terrible things happened.
Samantha Foote: Oh, wow.
Robert Delena: That said, there were kids at those schools who did better in that environment. It's, it might sound crazy because they never were restrained. They were, they needed all of the stuff that, that therapeutic schools are [00:08:00] good at. Right. Previewing and transitions and, and individual education plans and small classes. And, and, and the things that were good really benefited those kids, but they were a little more docile and they weren't as, they weren't Ryan, just, he loved to question authority and then he loved to dig his heels in. And then it just became this, this battle with an adult who was bigger than him. And I, and we were, we restrained him at home for a couple of years in the beginning when they, when they convinced us to do it. And I would have these wrestling matches on the floor with him too. And, and I know how I felt in that moment of, “you know what, I'm gonna win. I'm bigger than you.” And then I afterwards think, “what did that accomplish? He didn't learn anything. He's not gonna make a better decision next time. All I know is he got in trouble, he hit his sister, and the next thing I know, we're rolling around on the floor” and I, and I realized because I had to do it, how ineffective it was with him. And then when I went to the schools and said, my wife too, and said, “maybe this isn't working. He seems he's, it's not, he's not getting any better.” We were kind of stuck because he was in a sys- We had left the public system. [00:09:00] We had gone to the therapeutic system. And the public school didn't want him back because they were reading all these reports about how he was being restrained 15 times a day and how he was physical. And those reports were very one-sided and, and written from the school standpoint. And I was saying the school just put him back where you can't restrain him and he'll, he'll be okay. And, and I get their perspective. They would look and say, “That's not gonna be the case. He's gonna be running around in the hallways. We're never gonna be able to stop this kid.” And it took 10 years to get him back into public school. He didn't get back in. We went to three different, four different therapeutic schools and he didn't get back until his junior year.
But, but what you said is so true. It's, it's, it's just, it's, it's, it's hard. I mean, we were, we were living in Massachusetts. The people we were questioning had Harvard degrees on their walls in the back, back behind them. When I would talk to them and I would look up and think, “oh, they must know more than I do. I mean, my wife and I are lawyers, trained lawyers, we're not doctors” and., they, they knew more than we did. They knew more about kids than we did, but I just reached that point where they didn't know more about Ryan than I did. And I, and it took me a while to be confident enough to, to make that [00:10:00] stand. And I would, for all parents, I don't, I know it's hard and I know it's overwhelming, but there's just you, some part of you that knows more. I dunno if it's genetic or just the way it is, but I'd say to my wife, when we would go into these appointments, “we got some advice, we walked out the door, and then someone else walked in and then the doctor had to talk to that person, and then the next person and the next, they're not laying awake at night thinking about Ryan because they can't, they have 15 other kids. They're worried about 20 other kids.” So I think that's an important message.
Samantha Foote: Yeah. Yeah. Exactly what you said. They have other clients, other patients that they're worrying about and they don't have time to think about your kid all day, every day like parents do.
Okay. So tell me about skiing, because I know that was a pivotal moment in Ryan's life and I talked to you in the pre-interview about it. And so what was happening before and then how did you discover it and what happened after?
Robert Delena: Yeah, so I mean, at that point he was in the first therapeutic school. He was probably on at least one or two [00:11:00] meds at that point. I'm trying to remember. Back then he was seven and weekends were tough. He had a sister who was 16 months younger, typically developing, but they, they would, they would get along until they didn't, and then everything would, all hell would break loose. And I, I was always in this position where it was easier for my wife to deal with my daughter. It was easier for me to deal with Ryan. We would split. I would take Ryan outta the house. We would drive around and go to places, and we spent a lot of time in Home Depot walking around and looking at things. And he'd make me buy some giant wrench that I'd never used, but he would've a meltdown if I didn't buy it. And I'd come home and $80 later with a dumb thing that I didn't need, and. And just one day during Christmas vacation, I, they were getting into it and I don't, I, I don't know why I, I hadn't skied in 25 or years or so. I wasn't a skier. He, I, I never really talked about it with him. I, I remember driving by this little mountain that's near our house. There was like a soccer, birthday party kind of place, and we probably had some disastrous birthday parties there. And I, I don't know, [00:12:00] maybe I just drove by it and it stuck in my head and so I threw him in the car one day when we were having a hard time and, and I just didn't even tell him. We just drove to the mountain and he couldn't wait for anything. So I, I thought I was thinking all about the rental process and “how do I just get the skis on him and if I could just, this, this will last 20 minutes, but at least I'll kill the little drive there in the drive home.”
And then somehow we got through that process and he just seemed intrigued. And next thing I know, we were on a little magic carpet. It's like a people mover, like an airport, people mover that goes up the little bunny hill and I stick them between my legs and we get off that and, and I- So positioned him and I hadn't told him anything about how to ski, and I started to talk to him about what to do and, and you know how to turn like you're turning on a bike, which is like the worst possible advice. It's the opposite of what you're supposed to do. And he just looked at me and he shot down to the bottom and he banked this turn back into the line. And I just stood there and I didn't, know how he did it because he didn't know what he was doing. And then I had to sort of fumble on the way down and he, he of course, had cut the line, so I [00:13:00] had to bring him back to the back of the line and he wanted to go back again and, and he was willing to wait in line. And then we went up this chairlift one time and we ended up going to the top of the mountain and, and I remember leaving there thinking, “That was like three hours, four hours. And really nothing bad happened. We didn't argue, we didn't have to restraints and it wasn't terrible. And he was hard, but he wasn't terrible.” And I said, “let's go back the next day.” And we went back the next day and then the next Saturday we were in a bigger mountain in Massachusetts. And then the Saturday after that we were in New Hampshire and then Vermont, and we just started to go all over and it, it became something at least he could look forward to on Saturdays. School was terrible at this point. He was getting restrained multiple times a day. We were trying to get him out of that first school, but I think Saturdays he, he had this chance to sort of decompress, be outside, do something he liked, and he got really good really quickly. He was way better than me. And right from the beginning of, in the book, I mean, he was losing me and in the woods in New Hampshire and I was sweating, trying to find them. And we didn't really talk about what [00:14:00] happened if we separated. And it was, there was some stressful moments, but every time when we get back in the car to drive home, I think “that was still better than anything else we were doing.” And, and that's, it just became, it became something a little bright light. And through that experience, I just saw a different kid, the chairlifts and the travel and the, and the time we were alone. He was, he was, he was a, he was a risk taker always. And that was the first place where the risk was rewarded and he wasn't questioned. And I, and I wasn't, “Ryan, get down. Ryan, don't do that.” It was, sure, yeah, go do that if you wanna do that. And people would clap when he would do things and people would pat him on the head. And I just saw his confidence grow and it was, it was a really unique experience to see him in that light. And it's, I wish it hadn't taken that long, but thank, thank God we stumbled on it.
Samantha Foote: Yeah, that sounds amazing. I know that a lot of kids, like once they find their thing, they get better behavior because they're finally like, not overwhelmed, I guess you could say. Like they find [00:15:00] a thing to channel their energy into, and so they're able to simmer down, I guess, in other environments.
Robert Delena: Yeah.
Samantha Foote: Yeah. That's just what I've noticed with my own kids. Like when they're allowed to do the thing that brings them joy or sensory regulation or anything like that, like they are able to cope with other things. Did you find that to be true?
Robert Delena: For sure and there's a balance. And I think especially with neurodivergent type kids, if they find their thing, they're gonna become obsessive about it. And he became obsessive about it. I mean, he, he would draw maps all the time. All he talked about was skiing. He, he, but it, it kind of, you know, fed into where his strengths were. He's, is almost, he almost, he does have a photographic memory, I would say. And so he would research these mountains and learn every single trail on the mountain and to the point where we would go someplace and he'd be on a chairlift and he'd be arguing with some guy about where the, where this trail led to. And, and the guy, “I've been there for 20 years. And how long have you ever skied?” [00:16:00] “I, I've never skied here. I just, I just know the map that well.” He just was, it became as one thing. It was hard at home, I think my daughter sort of beared the brunt of that, because that's all we talked about. Skiing became the whole focus of the house. And I think there was a, there was a time when she accepted it and then she started to sort of resent it and, and say, “I don't wanna ski. I don't want to,” because it was, this was Ryan's thing and it became a little tough, but it, it was just to see him passionate about something and, and, and from an educational standpoint, he wasn't learning much at school because he was always in the isolation room or on the floor and- but now it taught him science, it taught him geography, it taught him body mechanics and, and he, climate change. I mean, like everything, all this stuff that, that there were, that was not previously uninteresting to him, became very interesting to him, I think, as a result of skiing. So it was, it was a nice development. It really was.
And it, and for me, I was the. Kind of chunky, heavy set, 40-year-old dad who like played college baseball, but really hadn't found anything in my life like that to [00:17:00] replace it, I mean, other than my kids. And all of a sudden I was the skier and I was, and and there were moments and as hard as I was and believe me, there were getting him up the hill and to the place and getting the skis on. I'm like, once we got on the first chairlift, he was usually pretty good. But it was a lot that went in to, to getting the kid like this from point A to point B, but there were times when I'd be alone up there and he would ski off without me 'cause he was faster. And I'd say. “No, this, this is pretty nice, like it’s beautiful up here, on the top of this mountain in Vermont and look, look around. It's, it's pretty.” And so I think as I embraced it more, it became our thing. It became something that we, we, we connected on and could talk about. And, and I think he liked that he was better than me and he was a lot better than me. And he, in a lot of ways, was responsible for my safety. So now we have this kid who, again, can't go to the water fountain without his chaperone. And there were times when, if it wasn't for his knowledge of a mountain or his ability to tell me not to do something, 'cause it was over my head and he was like eight, nine years old, I probably would've gotten hurt. So it was, we sort of flipped roles in some ways and it gave him some [00:18:00] responsibility, I think over, over me. Which was, was was, that's different, a different experience for somebody that age.
Samantha Foote: Yeah, that sounds awesome. I love that he found his passion. He was able to make good memories with you, and it wasn't just always, this is hard. Why is our relationship so hard? But you could find something that you both could do together, and I think that's so important for parents who are raising kids who maybe they don't understand or it's just a hard relationship. If you can find something that you can like basically bond over, that just makes the relationship better. And I know that you have a better relationship now with him than when he was younger. And so, yeah, I would just encourage parents to be curious and help your child find what they're passionate about. We always say like, all behavior is communication. I think we say that every single episode, Lauren. And-
Lauren Ross: True.
Samantha Foote: Just be [00:19:00] curious about what your child is doing. If they're really hyper, if they're really active, get them into something active. The skiing, he was really active and so that's a perfect thing to do 'cause skiing is hard. It is very taxing on my body at least. Well, I've never actually skied. I snowboard, but-
Robert Delena: Yeah.
Samantha Foote: I am very tired by the end of it, but yeah.
So how is Ryan doing today? I know in the pre-interview you told me some things that he is doing. It sounds like he is thriving. How did skiing like lead into that?
Robert Delena: Yeah, I'd say it's, I mean, it became this thing that he liked, right? And that got us through week, one week at a time, and then became this thing that he was better at than anyone we knew. And so all of a sudden he was, he started filming himself and, and we would go to mountains and he would get recognized and it was, it was sort of a confidence builder. And then when we started really doing some travel and I started meeting these ski guides who did this for a living. You know what I realized is anybody who's a ski guide or snowboard [00:20:00] guide, they were all a little different. They were all kind of quirky. Thinking they might not have had the experience he had of being restrained and, and having this label and medication, all those things. But they carved out this weird career from, from, from a kid who probably didn't like school or a kid who didn't thrive in school. So I was meeting these people who were sort of like him and thinking, “Maybe he can do this professionally.” And so that really fed into a lot of the international travel we did and some of the cool places we went to, like Chile and Antarctica and some of the crazy places. I, I, I was, I was putting him in a position where he could see those guides at work and think this, this could be what you do for a living.
He then in the summers started to rock climb and he became really a really, really good rock climber. And that was something he did on his own. I mean, I, I was at that point a little old to start that, so I, I didn't, I did it a little, but it's really hard. And so he just really got good at that and he started to, to take certification courses in that. And in a way, he bypassed the skiing. It's a little easier to get certified in rock climbing. So he's a professional rock climbing guide at this point, in Acadia, [00:21:00] Maine.
And we, we found a, a college even that had a degree in outdoor education. At the time it was, it's now Vermont State University. It was Northern Vermont University when he was there and, you know, we, we had no hopes of him really going to college. It it, what was so important to us when he was little and why he probably fed into a lot of the mistakes we made with some of these experts became something that I, I realized it didn't really matter for what he was gonna do for a living. He did not need a college degree, but we found this program and thought, okay, he could spend four years away from home. Not too far, independent, taking some general ed classes, but a lot of it was really geared around the outdoors and he, and he liked it and COVID kind of impacted it a little and unfortunately a couple of the years. But he did finish and graduate and it was, it was. The tractor pull at the end. It was, he did not Ryan's the kinda of kid who could write a blog post and spend five hours on it, if, about the intricacies of some run he did in Mount Washington. But ask him to write three paragraphs on why Thomas Jefferson's [00:22:00] our greatest president. And he literally can't do it. And so-
Samantha Foote: Yeah.
Robert Delena: I just look at him and say, j”ust put anything down on favor, do it just, you just graduate.” So he, he finally did finish and, and I was proud of him 'cause I knew it wasn't his favorite part of the experience, but he did do it. And that was, that was big. I mean, there was a time when he was little where he wouldn't do anything he didn't want to do, and, and so a lot of school is doing things you really don't want to do. And so he got to that point where I think he understood the balance of the reward of the degree and, and finishing versus the work of having to get there. And so that was a good experience.
He's, from a skiing standpoint, he's, he's getting some certifications. He's getting closer to being able to take people and guide them. I like what he'll do with that. It's hard to say. I mean, a lot of these guides we know, they work on these, these travel companies that go to crazy places and are, hel, they're heli skiing guides in Alaska. It's seasonal. It, it can be month to month or even week to week, and then they try to flip the summer. Ryan will probably rock guide in the summer, so he'll do something outdoors. He'll, he'll, he'll eek out [00:23:00] at a living.
I think somehow he, he does some, he does a lot of YouTube content. If you look him up on YouTube, it's just his name, Ryan Delena, and these. It's starting to get sponsored here and there from some of the companies, and he gets a little revenue out of that, which is, which is fun. It's hard. I mean, it's making a living as an, an influencer or podcast, right. You guys know. It's, it's so fickle and it's, I, I see some of the comments and I just, and I want to find the person and track them down. That's, it's, it's, it gets personal and there, people are mean, and, but he's, he, he seems to handle it. I mean, he's, he's, uh, a nice reputation and. I'm in the back country up here. I mean, we, whenever we go somewhere he is, he is pretty easily recognized and, and, and it's fun to hear people shout out his name and, and walk away from that. And they're excited to meet him. And, and he's, he's just humble. He is pretty humble and he doesn't, he's not phased by it. I don't, I don't know if it really, it really impacts him at all, really. And I, I think “God, if. If people are excited to see me somewhere and I, I, I don't know, that would carry me through the day”, but I have to try to get him every once in a while to sign some [00:24:00] books and he grumbles and I'm saying, “people want your autograph. This is kind of a cool thing. Can you just sit there and sign your name 20 times?” He's just, but he's, he's different. He's, it's, he's not, that's not what motivated him. And that's, yeah, that's a good thing. I wish, I wish, I wish I had more of that and I'm so susceptible to what people think all the time and, and I know that colors are everything I do sometimes and he just doesn't care. And it's, it's, I used to say that was a superpower, right? It's, I don’t know how freeing it is to grab two things outta the closet, not care if they match. You walk out the door and your hair is all over the place and, and it's, it's a part of his charm. He just, it just never mattered to him what people thought of him. And, and I think that's, that's kind of a, I don't know, kind of a cool thing. I wish, I wish we, more of us had that, had that disability quote unquote.
Samantha Foote: Yeah. Yeah. That's awesome. I love that he's doing what he loves now and that you guys wrote this book together. Where can people find your book?
Robert Delena: So it's everywhere.
I mean, it's on- oh here, I’ll show you a copy. It's, it's on Without Retraint. It's on Amazon. It's on [00:25:00] Audible, if you like the audiobook, if you like, the audio book's pretty good. We didn't, we didn't read it, which was, Ryan was un unhappy about. But the publisher, there's two professionals who did it and they did a really nice job with it. There's two voices. 'cause the way we wrote the book, it's, we, we wrote separately. So there's, there's my portion, his portion, and in the beginning it's a lot more me because he's, he's very young. And then in the end it becomes more his voice. And it was something I played with. And, and, and originally when we did it and, and it got more refined, I thought we would disagree on more things and it would be interesting to just kind of talk about the same thing. But we, I found ourselves repeating it. So it's really, it kind of goes chronologically, but when it's more important for his take to matter, it's more his voice and it works. So that's how the audio book is structured. So Amazon's probably the best place, but at any place, books are sold. You can find it. It's, it's a pretty easy, quick read, I think. And it's, I don't know, it's, I like to think it gives people hope. It's, it looks a lot like a book about an outdoor adventurer. I like to always tell people, especially parents who are with kids that are struggling, “The skiing is kind [00:26:00] of a metaphor. I mean, it's important and there's a lot of it in the book and the travel, but it's really about this sort of bad parenting and, and some of the bad doctoring and bad teaching that, that led to a really damaged kid and skiing was this way out”, but it, it could have been something else. I mean, I, I would've kept trying to find that thing, I think, and we had a lot of failed attempts before we got to skiing, and I, I, I think we just happened to land on something that we really kind of suited his personality and that was, that was a lucky break.
And I think most parents will know. It's, sometimes you think you have it and then it's gone. And there would, there were times like that with skiing. I kept thinking one of these times, we're gonna go and he's gonna just have a bad time or something's gonna happen and it's gonna be gone and it's, it's, and it was so stressful 'cause the weather played such a bad factor. We would travel places and if the conditions weren't good and it's, oh, this was a bad trip, and, but he, he kept, he kept at, at, which was good. So, so yeah, it's, it's a good story. I think [00:27:00] people enjoy it.
Samantha Foote: Good. Good. Yeah. And then people can find you online @robertdelena.com. Is there any other places, you mentioned YouTube?
Robert Delena: Yeah, Ryan, I'd say is between the two of us. I mean, we're obviously all, both on social media. I mean, I, I, I had a lot of, I will say for me, Facebook, Instagram, if you find me, I get a lot of messages from parents and it's, it's, it's, it's pretty daunting when somebody reaches out, out of the blue, gives you a two paragraph description of their kid and how, how terrible things are going for them and asks for advice. And I, and it it, I mean I love getting those emails 'cause it means the book impacted them in such a way that they trust me. But it's, it's, it's, it's a lot of pressure. 'cause I, I know that every, these kids are so different and everybody's so different and I try to give the best possible best. I always tell people I feel like I can tell people what not to do, but I can't always tell them what to do.
But so to, so Robert Delena, I'm on Instagram, I'm on on Facebook. Ryan's the much better follower for entertainment purposes. YouTube, he's, he's a [00:28:00] really good follow. He lives in a van right now, so there's a lot of van life content and he travels around and does some cool stuff, but his Instagram is like extreme_ryan_ and his Instagram is, is a pretty good feed as well. And he responds to everything too. I mean, he gets a lot of people that reach out to him. A lot of, mostly people asking questions about where to ski or how to get there, and he's, he's an encyclopedic, his, his knowledge of the area, especially in New England, is beyond reproach. I would trust him with any advice he gives you on. On when to go and how to go and, and, and, and how to, how to be safe more importantly. But, but there's also just a pure entertainment value of seeing him do what he does. He, he's, he's a pretty good follow and he's, and he is. He connects with the camera. He's, he is, he is not self-conscious. So he's, he's very good on camera and he's, I don't know. I feel like he's, he's compelling. I think people like his stuff.
Samantha Foote: Cool. Yeah. I will go follow, and I hope that our listeners go follow.
Our last question [00:29:00] is, what do you do for fun?
Robert Delena: Hmm. That is a good question. So I would say skiing has become my hobby and, and what's, one of the nice developments for me, I think is I'm 56, so you know, my, as a male and, and I'll, I'll speak for the man here that, you know, we tend to have friends that we kind of carry through life. Like my friends from high school are still my friends that I still, and, but through skiing I met this kind of like a new group of friends that, that it kind of started through one ski guide in Big Sky who's kind of instrumental in the book. And Ben Brusso, who's become a great friend and Ben had d-different people he skied with that, that he connected us with. And I've done some travel with these guys. And now that's my crew. That's I'm I'm, I just got back from Big Sky. Ryan didn't go and, and I'm, I'm skiing with these guys who are much better than me, but are really fun guys to ski with and, and just great people. And so I'd say that's my number one thing. I mean, we, I, I'll ski in the summer. We'll, I'll get down to Argentina or Chile with these guys. And we, we, we, I [00:30:00] did, did a Japan trip with these guys and so it's all, we're always sort of planning or plotting the next, the next trip. So I'd say that's my, my number one fun activity.
Samantha Foote: That's awesome. I love it. Well, thank you so much for coming on the show. We really appreciate your time.
Lauren Ross: Thank you.
Robert Delena: Definitely. Thank you for having me. And thank you for all you do. And I, like I said, I've listened to the episodes and that's compelling and I, I think you're making a difference. So keep it up, both of you.
Samantha Foote: Thank you. Thank you.
Hey everyone. Samantha here, and I'm thrilled to invite you to join me for something special, the Parenting Power Hour. This is your chance, parents and neurodivergent kids to bring your questions directly to me and fellow parents in the room. We're here to help you develop actionable plans that really work so you can finally stop the meltdowns and find peace in your home as a mom to three kids with ADHD and autism, I've seen and been through the challenges too, so trust me, we'll find solutions together that fit your family. Don't miss out on the Parenting Power [00:31:00] Hour. It's a free online monthly gathering every second Thursday of the month from 1245 to 1 45 Mountain Standard Time. Visit every brain is different.com to reserve your spot today.
Samantha Foote: Well, Lauren, what did you think?
Lauren Ross: I just appreciate the honesty of the mistakes that happened along the way as a parent. Like, no, no. Like I don't think parents want to admit that they like, harm their child in a way. And again, I think this goes back and we say this, a lot, you don't know what you don't know. And this is, so it was this oldest child and he's got a diagnosis. They don't know much. You have certain people telling you certain things, they're professionals and you're trusting them. I appreciate that he's saying that those schools weren't right for him because of this. But other people thrived. And I think that's a really good [00:32:00] reminder of every brain is different. Not every therapy is gonna work for your child. We have multiple guests on, not every suggestion and thing is going to work, and that's okay. Like you just keep chugging along until you find something. And I think bringing it all back, a reminder to really focus on their interests and strengths and build off of that and let that be the beginning of their growth journey. And so finding skiing for them and then look where that they probably did not have high hopes for his future and he got to travel around the world skiing down national mountains. That's amazing. And so a reminder like, don't discount your kids or, and, and really focus on, on the things that interest them and their strengths and you're gonna fail. That's okay. Give yourself grace. Nobody is [00:33:00] perfect. Admit to your mistakes and move on. So I, I appreciate the, the kind of honesty in all of that.
Samantha Foote: Yeah. I really appreciated how he was honest and said life was difficult. And I think people don't want to admit that they're having a difficult time in parenting.
Lauren Ross: Parenting is hard. Children are hard.
Samantha Foote: Yeah. Yeah.
Lauren Ross: There's no shame in that. And there's no shame in admitting that, that it's difficult and it's challenging and because it is, it's not easy peasy. If it was, everyone would do it.
Samantha Foote: Yeah.
Lauren Ross: People are like, no, thank you. That's so hard. And it's 'cause it is. And so. Um, no child is perfect and you're gonna have struggles.
Samantha Foote: Yeah, I appreciated how he kept looking for something to help his son though. And he didn't give up looking.
Lauren Ross: Yeah. It was very clear that like he loved his son and wanted to help and they, they went through trials and [00:34:00] errors and, and and things and so I love that.
And then the one other thing, um, and I think this is, uh, he mentioned that skiing, he was a risk taker and that skiing was like a “safe risk”. And I think that's just a good idea for parents out there who have those risk taking children is to maybe explore those more risky activities and a safe, like when he said rock climbing, I was like, well, that's another risky thing. So I just kind of picked up on that. So I think that might be something, if you have a, a child like that to explore those safer, riskier options if you haven't already.
Samantha Foote: Yeah. Rock climbing and, rock climbing and ski skiing or, yeah, so yeah.
Well, thank you all for listening this week. If you would like to get support in your own journey, we welcome you to come to the [00:35:00] Parenting Power Hour the second Thursday of the month from 12:45 to 1:45 PM Mountain Time, and I will be there. Hopefully other parents will be there. If you have any questions or just wanna get some support around something, we'd be happy to help you. So you can find information about that at everybrainisdifferent.com and we hope you have a good week.
Thank you for listening to today's episode. We hope this discussion on neurodiversity has provided you with support, understanding and inspiration. If you're looking for more support, Or you can go to everybrainisdifferent.com and download the ultimate guide to parenting your neurodivergent child.
