132- Tools for Moms in Burnout Part 2- Delegation and Ownership

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Welcome to Every Brain is Different, the podcast where we celebrate the unique world of neurodiversity. We are your hosts, Samantha Foote, a neurodivergent, Board Certified Music Therapist and mom to three kids of ADHD and autism. And Lauren Ross, an ally to the neurodivergent community with over 10 years of experience supporting children and adults with autism.

This podcast is for parents like you. Navigating the world of neurodiversity with love and compassion. Together we'll create a world where every brain is valued and celebrated. We're excited to embark on this enlightening journey with you.

Transcript:

Samantha Foote: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Every Brain Is Different podcast. It is Samantha and Lauren here with another episode.

We are continuing our conversation about moms and mental load. Last week we talked about evaluating where your body is and is it whispering, talking or shouting? And then we also talked about how to get back to baseline based on your evaluation. So [00:01:00] today we are talking about how to shift responsibilities to your family or others to reduce the mental load that you might be experiencing. And people love to say, “let me know how I can help.” And it sounds kind and sometimes doing yourself feels easier than explaining how to do it. And so when people say, “let me know how I can help”, you're like, “oh, thank you so much.” But you're not gonna tell them how to do it. You know?

Lauren Ross: I feel like that's a big block in asking, I think across the board with, with families and relationships is asking for that help in the sense that, you know in your head how you want it done and you don't trust the other person to do it that way and so you kind of gotta let that go. You're not gonna show or maybe show and explain one time and then you can like, let it go easier. But I think that's a, a big block.

Samantha Foote: Yeah. Yeah. So for example, I knew someone that she has a certain way she loads her [00:02:00] dishwasher and she gets so overwhelmed by the dishes. But then when somebody else loads the dishwasher, other than her, it drives her crazy because they didn't load it correctly. And so that's a good point to bring up. If you want help, you have to accept that people are gonna do it differently than you. It doesn't mean that it's bad, and it doesn't mean it's wrong. It's just different than you might do it. And so that is something that we have to overcome when we're asking for help. For sure when we're delegating, that is one thing that I've had to learn. When I give things over to my husband and I say, okay, this morning I said “I have to go to work. You get the kids ready.” I guarantee you my kids are not gonna show up to school how I would present them at school, but it's gonna be okay. Like my daughter's hair might not be done [00:03:00] exactly how I want it, but, does she look presentable? Absolutely. And so I just have to let that go if I'm going to delegate that to him. And so that's really hard to do though.

Do you have any suggestions on how to do that? Because-

Lauren Ross: Take a deep breath. Trust the process. I tell, uh, I get really frustrated with my boyfriend with how he does things 'cause it's not how I would do, it doesn't make sense to me. But obviously every brain is different and so sometimes I just have to tell myself to trust the process. The end game is gonna be the same, like what you want in the end. Like in the grand scheme of things is gonna happen. You just have to trust their process.

Samantha Foote: Yeah, yeah. So-

Lauren Ross: It can be hard, but.

Samantha Foote: Yeah, that's like I went and got my makeup done for a photo shoot the other day. She does not allow people to look in the mirror while she's doing the makeup because people don't trust the [00:04:00] process and they're like, “you're not, you're not doing it right. I don't look okay. I look weird.” And she's like, “you just have to trust the process.” And so you just have to trust the, if you delegate something to someone, their process is gonna look different, but the end result is going to be okay, and it might not look exactly how you want it to look. But, as long as it's like appropriate and gets the job done, it's gonna be okay.

Lauren Ross: Well, and then even if you do have to tweak or change things, you're doing minimal stuff instead of the heavy load that someone else did for you.

Samantha Foote: Yeah. Yeah.

Lauren Ross: Like it might be pretty minor and, oh, I don't like this one thing.

Samantha Foote: Yeah, yeah. For sure.

So we are gonna go through four steps of how you can learn to delegate things if you're feeling overwhelmed with all the things that you have to do so you don't go into burnout. Because burnout once again, is not a personal failure. It just means that you [00:05:00] don't have the resources to deal with the things that are put on your plate. So we are lessening that plate for you during this process.

So here are the four steps to move from delegation to ownership. So step one is “name the lanes”. So grab a piece of paper and divide it into four columns. So for the most part, moms who are raising neurodivergent kids have about four different things that they're dealing with. The first one is medical and therapy appointments, and then school and activities, home operations and emotional labor.

Emotional labor includes birthday gifts, thank you messages, remembering that the green shirt is the only shirt your kid will wear on Tuesdays, or remembering that, hey, your daughter has share on Tuesdays, so she has to take uh something to share every week. Um, if that's on your plate and that makes you go over the edge with burnout, then,[00:06:00] give that to somebody else.

And then list tasks in each lane and if the list makes you cry because there's a lot on it and you feel overwhelmed just making the list, don't worry. That's normal. We can get through it. Remember, trust the process. But I feel like emotional labor especially, that's a lot of the stuff that we don't think about. “Hey, my kid has eaten pancakes every day for three months, and now all of a sudden he's not eating pancakes anymore. He wants waffles every morning.” That's something that you have to remember and something that you have to do something about. And so if thinking about breakfast every day makes you just crazy or just puts you over the edge. That is an easy one that maybe a partner can do, and you just say, “Hey, you've got breakfast every morning.” If they're home when you're making breakfast, let them take it over. [00:07:00] That is an easy thing that they can do for the most part. I mean, you have home situations, but in my house at least, if my husband's home, I ask him to make breakfast.

So yeah, so. The next step once you list out everything that you do and make sure you list out everything, even if it's completely overwhelming to you. But this take, maybe do it over a week and every time you do something, write it down. Every time you think about something, write it down, because that is part of the mental labor that you are doing is, it's not just everything you do in a day. It's everything you do in a week or a month. Take some time making this list and make sure you write everything down, and if it completely overwhelms you, just remember, that's normal. It's okay. We're going to delegate things and have people take ownership of the things so you don't have to deal with them anymore.

So the next step is to assign owners, not helpers. This is where you are assigning someone to [00:08:00] be the owner of that job. You're not just assigning someone to be- help you with that job. So, for each lane, pick one owner. So for example, I del- no, I did not delegate. I told my husband he was in charge of all the family direct services stuff, our family. I said, “you're taking that over. I'm dealing with all this other stuff. Like I deal with their medical appointments, I deal with their therapy, like all that stuff. You're gonna deal with the FDS stuff. So here is the support broker's email. You two, work it out. Here's when their plans renew, you work it out” and give them all the information that they need. And then I said, “it's yours now. I'm not dealing with this anymore. I don't want the support broker emailing me. I want you two to handle it.” So that's an example of completely giving ownership of something to someone else. I'm not telling him like, “oh, will you do this? Will you do that?” As part of the [00:09:00] process, I am handing the complete process over to him. That does not mean that he can't ask me for help, but that just means that it's taking up space in his brain, so it's not taking up space in my brain anymore, being like, “oh yeah, the kids plan renew in January, so I have to talk to the support broker in November, and then we have to do this, this, and this, and oh yeah, my husband can do that.” No, he takes complete ownership of it. I have nothing to do with it anymore unless he asks for help.

And if you have a partner, split the lanes that are on your sheet. So, you do medical appointments and home operations, and they do school and activities and emotional labor. I don't know. You can divide it however you want, but just if you're like a stay-at-home mom, this might be different because your partner is working outside the home and stay-at-home Moms typically take on more of a role of [00:10:00] doing these things, but if you're both working full-time, just divide it. 50/50 or like I am giving you permission to divide at 50/50 if you're waiting for that permission. It's definitely your situation so you do what works for you. But if you're not dividing at 50/50 because you're afraid that that's asking too much, it's not asking too much. If you're both working full-time, if you're both doing things like that, then just divide it 50/50. Now I could see like, if I was a stay at home mom, I would be more comfortable taking on maybe three of the four things, but that doesn't mean that your partner doesn't have to do anything. Just because your partner is working and you're like the stay-at-home mom, does not mean that your partner gets out of doing anything. You can still assign them one of the areas. Yes, I'm telling you to [00:11:00] do that. Unless, unless your partner's working like a hundred hours a week, then maybe don't put that on them. But I'm just saying if they're working 40 hours a week, they can handle it. I have a lot of opinions on this and we're just gonna move on.

If you do not have a parenting partner, is there someone in your life that you could offload one of the things, one of the lists to someone else. Is there someone that you can offload that to? So is there someone, maybe you have a friend that your kids go to school together? Is there someone that you could offload the school and activities thing so you know that they are in charge of picking your kid up from every activity or, I don't know, like just find someone that maybe you can offload a couple things to so that you don't have all of that on you. And then paid help is an option. So if you have the resources for that, pay [00:12:00] someone to help you. There is no shame. And if I could pay for it, I would have a housekeeper and a house cleaner because that is what my heart desires, but I don't have the resources for that. But yeah, if you could offload like household things, definitely do it. That's just, one of the things.

And ownership doesn't mean that that person has that thing forever. Maybe you rotate monthly. Maybe you and your partner are like, okay, I'll do the household and the emotional labor this month and next month you're gonna do it, and then you just rotate. It's just whatever works for you, just give them full ownership. You can be flexible with your plan, but when they are in charge of that, like they are in charge of it. I recommend, you're gonna give, if you're gonna do that, make your partner in charge of school in August and May

Lauren Ross: I see you.

Samantha Foote: Those are the worst months for school.

Lauren Ross: Like [00:13:00] I'll take it, but you only have to do two months.

Samantha Foote: Yeah, yeah.

Lauren Ross: These are the two months.

Samantha Foote: Yeah, yeah, exactly. No, don't do that. That's just mean. But especially May like, this May, the last end of school year almost killed me. There was so many activities in the middle of the day and I was like, how do parents do this, that don't have a flexible work schedule? Like my husband could not come to half the things because when he's scheduled to work, he has to work and the school doesn't tell you what's going on until the last second. And I'm like, “How, how are we supposed to do this?” And so he missed some things that he really wanted to go to, and if we would've known in advance, we could have done them. But that is a rant for a different day.

Anyway, step three is to define done, for example, school and activities is done when forms are submitted, fees are paid, bags are packed the night [00:14:00] before, and the weekly schedule is sent to the family text thread every Sunday by 6:00 PM. So if you have, ya know, a lot going on for school that week, or just everyone has a lot going on in school for the week, but just define what done means to you and ask your partner or the person taking it over, “is this feasible for you to do? This is what I expect. Can you do that?” And if they say no, then. Talk about expectations. “Can you not expect as much or can they rise to the occasion?” You know, it just, it's all dependent on your situation, but just make sure you have clear end points to prevent questions like, “did you pack the clarinet? Did you pack the lunch? Did you do this?” So, 'cause you're still thinking about it, that person doesn't have ownership if you're still asking those questions.

Lauren Ross: Yeah. For all of these steps is that you do have to communicate and communicate clearly. [00:15:00]

Samantha Foote: Yeah, especially- Okay. If your kids are neurodivergent, I can almost guarantee you that you or your partner are neurodivergent, so be very clear because things can get misconstrued and you can say things that you think are clear. I'm not talking because this happened in my house lately or anything, but you can say things that you think are very clear and your partner takes it a completely different way. So maybe say things in a couple different ways. Ask questions to make sure they understand what you're saying and then make sure you're on the same page because things can get miscommunicated very easily. Yeah.

And then the fourth step is to make it visible. So put a simple checklist on the fridge or a shared notes app, not so you're micromanaging because you are setting this task free from your head. But visibility lets the [00:16:00] owner track progress without asking you for a reminder.

So those four steps, once again, are name the lanes. So medical and therapy, school and activities, home operations and emotional labor, and then assign owners, not helpers. You're not delegating things. You're giving ownership of that lane or that task to somebody else. Define done, clearly define what done means and then make it visible so that the person can have that reminder to do those things, and you are not the one reminding them now.

Lauren Ross: Love it.

Samantha Foote: This is for a partner or a friend or hired help, but let's talk about how kids can also share the load of responsibilities in the home and how they can do that in age and developmentally appropriate ways. So remember, the goal is contribution, not perfection. And also remember that neurodivergent kids may need more scaffolding, more [00:17:00] visual support, and more time to master a task. And that is okay. We are not expecting them to be amazing at it the first time they do it. So if you ask your kid to go clean the bathroom, for example, and you tell them, go wipe off the counters and they miss some spots, that's okay. Totally fine. If they don't do it 100%, like you're not asking them to clean the bathroom so you don't have to go clean the bathroom. You're asking them to clean the bathroom so they can learn to contribute to the household and so that they can learn how to take care of their own house someday. And they can only do that by starting with the small things. But definitely don't expect perfection the first time or the second, or the third or the fourth. And if they need more help, that's okay. Just remember age and a developmentally appropriate things because a kid can be 10 [00:18:00] years old, but developmentally they might be seven years old. So it's really hard for that kid to do things that you would expect a 10-year-old to do who's also developmentally a 10-year-old.

But here are some ideas just by general stage that you might do. So, for little kids like under like preschool age, younger than that, they can put toys in a basket before bed. And they can carry napkins to the table. They can match socks, they can use a two step picture card for toothbrushing, any of those things. So just really simple things like one step directions. They can do that. And then my daughter even, and my sons, they helped me fold clothes when they were that age. They obviously did not do a great job, but they would stand by me and pretend to fold the towels and then we would put them away. And then later when they weren't looking, I'd go back and refold them [00:19:00] so that they were the right way. But especially if your kid is doing something and they don't do it exactly right, but they did their best. Praise them for what they did, and don't just say, “oh yeah, you didn't do that right, let's redo it.” Because then they're not gonna do it again. 'cause they're gonna think I can't do anything right. And then the next time you go to do it, show them how to do it the right way. And just be like, “just as a reminder, this is how you do this.” And if they don't do it the right way, a hundred percent the right way, don't redo it in front of them. Just say, “oh you, you worked so hard on that. Thank you.” And then maybe go back and do it again when they're not around. Because I know like my mom was really good at that, about just, I thought I was the best house cleaner ever when I was 10 years old. And then I was talking to her about it and she was like, “yeah, you did your best.” And I was like, “cool.”

Lauren Ross: Thanks mom.

Samantha Foote: But yeah, but it made me believe that I like- and I [00:20:00] got better. 'cause she showed me how to do it every time, but she didn't redo things right as I was standing there, and I think that's important.

Lauren Ross: Yeah.

Samantha Foote: But yeah, so for elementary age kids, they can pack their backpack using a picture checklist. They can lay out their clothes for the next day. They can load the dishwasher with a, this rack is yours, visual. So for example, you might say this rack, you put the, like on the top rack, you put the cups and bowls on the top rack and on the bottom rack you put the pans and the plates, and then they put the silverware where the silverware goes. So as long as they have that picture schedule, they can load the dishwasher for you or they can easily unload the dishwasher, even if it's just. Getting things out and putting them on the counter. They can take all the dishes out and put them on the counter for you.

And then tweens and teens, they can run a weekly laundry cycle, start to finish. So have them sort it, have them [00:21:00] put it in, have them dry it, have them fold it, put it away. They can do one cycle a week, it's not gonna hurt them. And then plan one family meal a week with a simple recipe card. When I was younger, we had these recipe cards that were just- they had a bunch of different recipes, like all, and it was one recipe per card, and then it was divided into things that was like appetizers or main dishes or whatever. Like it was a bunch of different things. And I planned dinner every single night when I was a teenager, when I was home, if I wasn't doing school stuff. And I just used those cards and my mom helped me make a grocery list. We went to the grocery store together. She taught me how to buy everything. But I used those cards and now I have those cards. So I'm excited for my kids to use them because my mom gave them to me last year. She was like, “you take these. I don't want them anymore.” and-

Lauren Ross: I think they’re really yours.

Samantha Foote: Yeah, she was like, “they're yours. I've never used them. They're [00:22:00] yours. I got them for you.” But yeah, so they can plan a weekly family meal, manage their own sports bag, or music bag or whatever, and then place school forms in a parent inbox by a set time and follow up if it's not signed. So they're not like coming to you all the time being like, “sign this, sign this, sign this, sign this.” If you just have a box for them to put it in, they can put it in there and then they can be responsible for checking up to make sure that those forms are signed.

Once again, you know your child. If any of this is too hard for them, then work on it. But those are just generally some things that kids those ages can do.

And then give each child one job they own. Don't make it so that they're doing laundry every week. They're planning meals every week. They're managing their own sports bag, like all the time. That might be too much for them, but just give them one thing that is their own job, and once again, have them [00:23:00] take ownership of it so you don't have to think about it. Obviously, give them the tools that they need to be successful.

Lauren Ross: Mm-hmm.

Samantha Foote: But give them ownership of it, and then write the definition for done. Write it down so they can see it. For example, backpack ready means water bottle filled, homework inside, headphones in the front pocket, backpack at the door before 8:00 PM. So those are just some things that you can do.

So let's add some scripts you can use because words are hard. Especially when you're tired. So if you're talking to a parenting partner about this, you can say, “I am carrying the mental load for medical and therapy. I need you to own school and activities for the next two months. Ownership means you plan, schedule, pack, and update the calendar by Sunday at 6:00 PM. If a decision comes up, make the best call. I trust you. If you want my input, send me two clear [00:24:00] options and a deadline.” So it's not just open-ended questions like, what do you think about this? There's two clear options and so that is a really good, this is what it means to be done. This is what it means when you need help. This is how you can ask me for help, and just be very clear about that.

And then to a helpful friend, if they say, “is there anything I can do?” You can say, “thank you for offering. Here are three tasks. I'm ready to offload completely. Grocery shopping on Thursdays, ride to occupational therapy on Tuesdays, or running the birthday gift calendar for the cousins. Pick one to own for the next six weeks.” and then just let them pick one.

And then to kids. You can say, “everyone in this family helps the family run. You get to choose your job. Do you want to be lunchbox captain or laundry sorter? Here is what done looks like and here is a picture card to help.”

And then to yourself, you can say, I am allowed to be a person. Rest is a- rest is a task worth [00:25:00] doing.

So those are just things that you can say, examples of things you can say to everyone that is offering to help you and to yourself to remember that rest is important. It's a necessary thing to do.

Lauren Ross: Especially if you wanna avoid burnout.

Samantha Foote: Yeah. Yeah. And if you do experience burnout, remember, burnout is not a personal failure. It's just you do not have enough resources to do all the things that are asked of you.

Lauren Ross: Yeah.

Samantha Foote: So, I hope this was helpful today. Let us know how it goes when you put these things into practice, and then next week we'll be talking about what to do when ownership is messy and interruptions pile up anyway. It's gonna happen, and if you do this system, it's not gonna be perfect, of course, but our goal is to help you get to a place where you don't feel so burned out with your mental load.[00:26:00]

So, yeah, have a great week and we'll see you next week.

Thank you for listening to today's episode. We hope this discussion on neurodiversity has provided you with support, understanding and inspiration. If you're looking for more support, Or you can go to everybrainisdifferent.com and download the ultimate guide to parenting your neurodivergent child.