118- Part 1 of Parenting Sensory Seekers & Avoiders Under One Roof

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Welcome to Every Brain is Different, the podcast where we celebrate the unique world of neurodiversity. We are your hosts, Samantha Foote, a neurodivergent, Board Certified Music Therapist and mom to three kids of ADHD and autism. And Lauren Ross, an ally to the neurodivergent community with over 10 years of experience supporting children and adults with autism.

This podcast is for parents like you. Navigating the world of neurodiversity with love and compassion. Together we'll create a world where every brain is valued and celebrated. We're excited to embark on this enlightening journey with you.

Transcript:

Samantha Foote: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Every Brain Is Different podcast. It is Lauren and Samantha here with you today. And today we are going to be talking about what to do when you have multiple kids, but they have differing sensory needs. So for example, in my house, I have a kid who is very sensory avoidant. He avoids a lot of things. He doesn't like sensory input that much. And then I have another kid who is all over the place just sensory seeking. Like we went to the movies one time and he was touching everything. He was licking things. He was just touching everything and running around. And I was like, “what are you doing?” And so I finally had to say like, “That's gross. Like you understand, you could get sick and people have to clean up after [00:01:00] you.” So that's just an example of-

Lauren Ross: The differing needs.

Samantha Foote: The differing needs. Like my one kid was there just standing, chilling and the other one was running all around, touching everything, lick things, trying to do a somersault, I don't know. It was crazy.

But um, so yeah. So what do you do when you have those differing needs? And that's what prompted this podcast episode was, it came to a head the other day and my son was just like, “would you please stop moving? Would you please be quiet?” And my other son was just like, tornado.

Lauren Ross: Yeah.

Samantha Foote: So, here are some things that we have five tips today and then we're gonna do another episode with the other five tips.

But, the first thing is just to understand individual sensory profiles. So, you've recognized [00:02:00] that your children have differing needs, which is awesome. And to illustrate what a sensory seeker is, that's someone who craves sensory input. Like they're touching things, they're moving, they like loud sounds. They like all the input. They like to be squeezed. They're like, they're just constantly on the move. And then the sensory avoider may be overwhelmed by sensory stimuli like, they prefer quiet areas. They like soft textures. They don't like to be squeezed.

Lauren Ross: No touching.

Samantha Foote: Yeah, they don't like to be touched. Like when I was younger, I, I am definitely a sensory avoider. I did not like swinging. I did not like merry-go-rounds. I basically, I hated the playground, I hated it. And I didn't like people touching me. I didn't like hugs, I didn't like back rubs, were the worst when people would come up and they just like, [00:03:00] you know how people come up and just like start giving you a back rub? I'm like, Ugh, get away from me. So I have learned to like massages though, but when I was younger, no thank you.

Lauren Ross: I still can't do it.

Samantha Foote: Yeah.

Lauren Ross: No massages for me.

Samantha Foote: Well, I, my muscles became so tight that I had stroke symptoms and so I-

Lauren Ross: So you had to.

Samantha Foote: I had to get a massage or else I was always going to the ER for like stroke symptoms, so, and then I started getting a monthly massage and I don't go to the ER anymore for stroke symptoms. It's weird. But yeah.

Lauren Ross: Get your massages people.

Samantha Foote: Yeah, yeah. Get a massage if you're really, really stressed out. Just do it. Anyway. That's not what we're here talking about today.

The second thing to do, like once you recognize what each kid has and what their needs are, create individual sensory spaces for them. So in my [00:04:00] house we have a designated cupboard. This sounds really weird, but there's a cupboard under our, under our counter in our kitchen that my kids have always used when they need to be alone. And so they would go in there and just sit there in the dark and shut the cupboard and just sit there in silence for a while. But as my son has gotten older, we actually gave him his own room just so that he could chill and be with his things, listen to his music, be in silence if he needs to be in silence. And that helped his behavior so much. I did not-

Lauren Ross: It’s a game changer for him.

Samantha Foote: Yeah, yeah. I didn't realize how overwhelmed he was by his siblings until we gave him his own room and his behavior like dramatically improved. Like he had a better attitude. He [00:05:00] wasn't angry all the time because he was able to chill out-

Lauren Ross: An escape.

Samantha Foote: Yeah. He was able to escape and so. We do that for him. And then for my other son, we have like this huge playground that he can just go play on. Like it's a play structure that someone gave us. It has a slide, it has swings, it has monkey bars, and he can just go out there and get all the energy out that he needs to get out and get all the input. And then I also we have dance parties with him and then, just provide different things for a sensory seeker. Um, he really likes chewing on things, so we get him like chewy things, you know, for that input. And we just give him, you don't have to get like, necessarily sensory toys. You definitely can. But just providing those opportunities for him to experience different things. So [00:06:00] the sensory toys, like those tend to be really expensive. The ones that are specific, like they specifically say “this is a sensory toy”, and so I tend to get things that are kind of the same but not, not-

Lauren Ross: Not branded as sensory.

Samantha Foote: Not branded as sensory because I don't know why it can be the exact same thing, but if it says sensory or therapy on it, it's like automatically twice as much.

Lauren Ross: Yeah. Ridiculous.

Samantha Foote: Which is really frustrating. Yeah. So you can, you can look at like Google sensory toys and Google therapy toys and then go find the non therapy brand of it 'cause I guarantee you there's one out there. I mean, some things you can't get away from, like we have like these body socks that they [00:07:00] really don't sell anywhere else except for in the, in the therapy world, you know? Actually we got those from Harkla and they were not that expensive, so that was awesome. I do recommend checking out Harkla. This isn't sponsored or anything, but they have really decent prices for therapy, things like that, and sensory toys, and just sensory items. So when my son, and it's good for the sensory secret and avoider, the body sock thing because my sensory avoider can just put it over his head, put his body in it and just sit there. Without all the sensory overwhelm, and he can just sit there. Where my sensory seeker can like, you push out on it and it pushes back.

Lauren Ross: There’s that pressure and resistance.

Samantha Foote: It offers resistance. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. So creating individual sensory spaces, once you know what your kid needs, is I would say one of the [00:08:00] most important things that you could do.

Lauren Ross: Would you say that your kids like have like different timings. So I'm gonna use my boyfriend for example. He is very much a sensory seeker in the morning. And then after work he’s like, “don't touch me. Lights off. Like I don't want to, like no noise, like nothing.” Do you feel like that's the same with like your kids? Like do they ever go opposite or?

Samantha Foote: I would say they never really go opposite. I mean, my sensory avoider definitely gets excited about things and runs around and does that, but he's never out of control, excited and needs like deep pressure to calm down, you know? And then my sensory seeker, he definitely has his quiet times. Like in the morning he's not running around, he's not being crazy, but he is never is just content. Just to [00:09:00] sit.

Lauren Ross: Yeah.

Samantha Foote: Without some type of input coming in.

Lauren Ross: Yeah.

Samantha Foote: But I am like your boyfriend though. Like now that I'm getting older, I will have times where I'm like, “don't touch me, don't talk to me, don't do any of those things.” And then I have other times where I'm like, “oh, I love hugs. I want that deep pressure. I want, you know, like all the physical contact or I need to be doing some heavy work or something to calm my body down.” But, yeah, so that's interesting. I wonder if your boyfriend was like that when he was a kid or if he just got like that as an adult.

Lauren Ross: I, I, I should ask him because I know, like right now it's like. He works in the evenings and like once he is done, he's like, I'm done people-ing.

Samantha Foote: Yeah. Yeah.

Lauren Ross: “Even with people I love, like, I'm done people-ing”, uh, versus the morning he is like, refreshed. He hasn't had all of that input yet, like the day brings. But, uh, I'll have to ask him if he like [00:10:00] was the same way as a kid or not.

Samantha Foote: Yeah. Yeah. That'd be interesting.

The next thing is to establish predictable routines. So structured daily routines minimize sensory surprises, so predictability helps all children feel more secure. And to do that, you obviously like stick to routine, but also use visual schedules or timers to prepare them for transitions or activities.

This is really hard for me because, I am just like, “let's just go where the day takes us” and I get bored with routines. And so this is going back to that ADHD versus autism thing. If you have both, you might really crave that routine, but then the ADHD part comes out where you're like, “but I need spontaneity. I need new things.” You know? And so I think [00:11:00] just if your kids have a loose schedule. So they're not, you don't wanna make it so they only do things and they're very strict in what they do and they don't allow for things, you know, like spontaneity to come into it. But if they know that when they get up, they're gonna have a few minutes to, you know, like just wake up. And then the mornings are gonna be slow and then, you know, eat breakfast and you just have your routine. That allows for when something does come up that they're not gonna be so stringent that they won't be able to, that thing.

Lauren Ross: Like the, have the routine, but like the details of it can be like not as prevalent.

Samantha Foote: Yeah. Yeah. And I think when school is in session, it's definitely easier for my house to have a routine. And so like [00:12:00] I know that before school, my sensory avoider is going to come out, he's gonna be more talkative because he hasn't been around people all day yet. But then after school, I know that I need to give him time to be by himself, to go in his room, do what he needs to do. Like he gets so mad when we have to go somewhere after school if he doesn't get his time to calm down. And so that's a routine that I can build in that's predictable for him that he knows. That he's gonna have time when he gets home to decompress, to do the things that he needs to do to get back into regulation.

So that's what I'm talking about. Like don't make super stringent routines to the point where something comes up and your kids freak out when they need to do something different, but just have like a loose routine where they know that they're gonna have this time, that they need to do the things that they need to do.[00:13:00]

Samantha Foote: Hey everyone. Samantha here, and I'm thrilled to invite you to join me for something special, the Parenting Power Hour. This is your chance, parents of neurodivergent kids to bring your questions directly to me and fellow parents in the room. We're here to help you develop actionable plans that really work so you can finally stop the meltdowns and find peace in your home. As a mom to three kids with ADHD and autism, I've seen and been through the challenges too, so trust me, we'll find solutions together that fit your family. Don't miss out on the Parenting Power [00:31:00] Hour. It's a free online monthly gathering every second Thursday of the month from 12:45 to 1:45 Mountain Standard Time. Visit every brain is different.com to reserve your spot today.

Samantha Foote: The next one is use sensory breaks. So in corporate sensory breaks throughout the day. If, and you can do this for your kid's school too, like I know there are lots of kids with IEPs that say my kid gets to go out and swing for 10 minutes once an hour or every three hours or whatever, you know, whatever they need to do. Or my son, when he needed a break, he was able just to walk up and down the halls when he got overwhelmed in the classroom, they let him go, leave the classroom and just walk up and down the halls until he was ready to come back. You know, you can get like squeeze balls or fidget toys or anything like that that you can use in the classroom and incorporate those things at home too. So you could even put it in their visual schedule. Okay, we're gonna read for 20 minutes, and then my sensory seeker is going to get to go play on the monkey bars for however long or he's gonna have a break.” And you don't have to call him sensory breaks if you [00:14:00] don't want to. You can just say, “okay, we're gonna get a break. You can go do whatever you need to do.” You don't have to be like, “we're gonna have a sensory break and you're gonna work on your proprioceptive skills.” Like-

Lauren Ross: You don’t have to be formal.

Samantha Foote: Yeah. Yeah. And so you can just put it on, you know, if they have a visual schedule, just say “break”. If you wanna call it a sensory break, that's cool too.

Lauren Ross: Yeah. Or “you time”.

Samantha Foote: Or “you time”. Yeah. So, definitely if you have a really busy day and you have a sensory avoider who gets really overwhelmed by stimuli and all that, have a built-in part of your day where they just get to go relax and chill and be by themselves for a little bit. One of my nephews was so good when he was around family, he would tell his mom, 'cause they had a big family, he would say, “I need to go be by myself.” And that was his break. He just went into a room by [00:15:00] himself and chilled for a little bit and then came out when he was ready. The last time we were at one of a, a family event, we were away from home. My sensory avoider said “I need to go home.” It was the last day that we were there and he was like, “I need to go home. I'm very overwhelmed. I just need to be by myself.” And he couldn't vocalize why he was overwhelmed, but I respected that and we went home early because he was just done. Like he was having physical symptoms of overwhelm. And so if your kid comes to you, especially if they come to you and say, “I need a break”-

Lauren Ross: Advocating for themselves.

Samantha Foote: Yeah, give them a break. Or if you can see that they're maybe doing things that are out of character for them or you can see that they're getting really overwhelmed. Sensory avoider or sensory seeker, [00:16:00] 'cause sensory seekers can get overwhelmed by not having that input. And so you can ask them, say, “do you need a break? Do you need a sensory break? Do you need to not be around people? Do you need to go run around outside? Do you need to go do the monkey bars? Do you need to do pushups? Do you need like that sensory stimuli?” But yeah, just if you notice that they're doing that, you could even say, “Hey, I'm gonna go do this.” And invite them to come with you to do the thing that you think that they need to do. So if they need to get away from people, just say, “Hey, I'm gonna go into this room. Do you wanna come in with me and just like, play a quiet game or listen to some music, or just sit in silence, like, do you wanna come sit with me?” Because kids don't always know what they need. They don't know what they want. Like they just know that they're not okay. Yeah.

The last one goes right along with [00:17:00] this, communication strategies. So adapt communication styles based on each child's need. So you can use clear concrete language for the sensory avoider while engaging the sensory seeker with active sensory rich language and activities. So just change your communication based on what the kid needs. If you know your sensory avoider needs you to be quieter and more calm, then do that. If you need to be super excited and like very over the top to get your sensory seekers attention and get them excited about something, then do that. It's okay.

Lauren Ross: I have a question for you.

Samantha Foote: Yeah.

Lauren Ross: How do you, how do you handle it or how do you communicate with your kiddos when they want to play with each other, but one is overwhelmed by the other, maybe underwhelmed [00:18:00] by the other? Have you had to have conversations with them to like compromise? Like how do you, when they wanna play with each other, but they're opposites, like how do you handle that?

Samantha Foote: I was just thinking about that.

Lauren Ross: Oh, good.

Samantha Foote: So my sensory avoider gets overwhelmed frequently by my sensory seeker, and I just tell the sensory seeker like, “Hey. You need to tone it down a little bit. Like we need to respect that he's being overwhelmed right now. I'm not telling you to stop, but just maybe don't do it so loud.” Because my sensory avoider Okay. My sensory seeker is always singing and the sensory avoider is, “Stop it. Stop talking, stop singing. I just want silence.” And so we got noise canceling headphones for my sensory avoider because [00:19:00] the sensory seeker should be allowed to sing. He's not like, well, he is bothering someone, but

Lauren Ross: Like at home, having fun.

Samantha Foote: He's taking up, yeah. You know, like he should be allowed to take up space and do what he needs to do. And so we got noise canceling headphones for my sensory avoider so that he can put them on when things are just too loud. But I do tell my sensory avoider, like, “you can't dictate to people what they do all the time. So, you just, we just need to find ways to help you cope with this because you don't get to dictate what people are doing if they're not doing something to you.” You know, if they're just taking up space in their environment, you don't get to tell them to stop. But we do tell my sensory seeker like, “Hey, maybe let's not do it so loud or so big or so [00:20:00] disruptive, you know? So is there a way that we can get your need met without singing at the top of your lungs? Like, maybe we just sing a little bit quieter.”

Lauren Ross: Or we sing in a different room.

Samantha Foote: Or, or, yeah, or, yeah. I was thinking like, this happens the most when we're in the car. And so they don't get to go to other rooms. But if we're at home, then I just tell 'em to go to separate rooms. That's, which is why we gave my sensory avoider his own room because we're gonna need a bigger house because the two that are sharing a room are a boy and a girl. So they're not gonna be able to share a room for very much longer.

Lauren Ross: Yeah.

Samantha Foote: But the sensory avoider like needs his own room.

Lauren Ross: Yeah. To keep the peace.

Samantha Foote: Yeah. To keep the peace. Like I cannot believe how dramatic it was-

Lauren Ross: The changes were.

Samantha Foote: The changes were when we gave him his own room. It was wild. [00:21:00] And so, I would think about that. Like if you're able to give a sensory avoider their own room or a sensory seeker, their own room, because then they can go in there and make all the noise they want and shut the door, you know?

Lauren Ross: Yeah.

Samantha Foote: We're gonna have to figure something out soon 'cause my kids, my younger kids, like never even go in their rooms. So it's not really an issue. Like they go in there, they house their clothes and toys there, they don't do anything else in that room. So it's not really a big deal right now. But, it's hard because you wanna give the sensory seeker his own room so that he can go in and do whatever he needs to do. And you wanna give the sensory avoider their own room, so that they can just chill. But if I were to have to make a decision, which I did, I would lean toward giving the sensory avoider their own room because that is the one place they can go that's gonna be [00:22:00] quiet. Like the sensory seeker can go outside or go like in the parents' room if they need to like be really loud or something, you know? But, I think it's more important for a sensory avoider to have their own space. I don't know. That's just my opinion though.

Lauren Ross: I mean, it makes sense and I think it also, if you don't have, like lots of people don't have, you know, the space or can separate it as much, you know, like getting those little, those little room tents and making it dark or having the fun little lights or whatever, and then noise canceling headphones. There's ways to make little spaces in your house to-

Samantha Foote: Yeah, I saw these teepees that were super cool. They were indoor teepees, and if you were to make a space like that just for a sensory avoider, I would just build that and then give them noise canceling [00:23:00] headphones, give them soft things to lay on, give them the things that bring them comfort and just create a separate space away from other people, just like you said. Because yeah, if you can't give them their own room, that's the next best thing.

So anyway, thank you all for listening this week. If you would like to talk about how you can help your children who are maybe sensory different than each other, we have our neurodivergent parenting community where you come and ask questions. You get Individual Voxer support from me, and so we can definitely talk about that. So I hope you'll have a great week and we will be back next time with five more tips on how to help when you have different sensory needs for your [00:24:00] children.

Thank you for listening to today's episode. We hope this discussion on neurodiversity has provided you with support, understanding and inspiration. If you're looking for more support, Or you can go to everybrainisdifferent.com and download the ultimate guide to parenting your neurodivergent child.