89 - The Dopamine Menu: Practical Strategies for ADHD and Autistic Kids (and Parents!)

Connect with Samantha Foote!

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Transcript:

Samantha Foote: [00:00:00] Welcome to Every Brand is Different, the podcast where we celebrate the unique world of neurodiversity. We are your hosts, Samantha Foote, a neurodivergent board certified music therapist and mom to three kids of ADHD and autism, and Lauren Ross, an ally to the neurodivergent community with over 10 years of experience supporting children and adults with autism.

This podcast is for parents like you. Navigating the world of neurodiversity with love and compassion. Together we'll create a world where every brain is valued and celebrated. We're excited to embark on this enlightening journey with you.

Welcome to the every brand is different podcast. Lauren and I are here with Brianna McCallum, and she is a multi-passionate entrepreneur, investor and healer specializing in integrative wellness as an empowerment life coach, Reiki master, organic tea blender, and spiritual development coach.

She helps clients achieve balance through a holistic Trinity model; mental, physical and spiritual [00:01:00] wellness. She focuses on empowering neurodivergence and their caregivers with trauma informed coaching, guiding them through diagnoses and challenges to foster personal growth and supportive relationships.

We're so excited to have you on the show. Thanks for coming.

Briana McCallum: No problem. Thanks for having me.

Samantha Foote: And can you tell us a little bit more about how you're involved in the neurodivergent community?

Briana McCallum: I can; do you want personal or professional first?

Samantha Foote: Whatever you want.

Briana McCallum: Okay. I'll start with the professional side first.

So I work with a company called Kula. It's findyourkula.com is the website. And the Kula community is specifically made by neurodivergence and for neurodivergence. There's a group of life coaches that all got certified together and went through what us neurodivergent folks do, and we're overwhelmed with information and have to be on social platforms and have constant pressures and task demand avoidance coming up and integrating with neurotypicals.

And we decided, you know [00:02:00] what? We'd love to have a growth platform and support platform that helps do a lot of the things that were brought to us, but that is more neuro spicy friendly. We prefer spicy in that group. Yeah. And Maddie Richardson and Erica Shoup created the foundation for the Kula community.

And then a group of us as the founding members gave it a test drive and we do workshops and webinars and have meetings weekly and journaling and do a lot of education and just help support people through the diagnoses. So that's the big one professionally.

Samantha Foote: We actually interviewed Erika on the podcast last year.

So she told us all about the community. So that's amazing that you work with her. I love that.

Briana McCallum: She's a beautiful human.

Samantha Foote: Yeah, I love her energy. I just love everything about her.

Briana McCallum: she's great. I've really enjoyed working with them. But that's been [00:03:00] my biggest professional work.

And a lot of that it's free work. We're just, we're out there just trying to create a safe space for people to really learn and grow. And then in my coaching business, I've had quite a few paying clients that come in specifically because they're just overwhelmed by it all. Because no matter what your brand of NeuroSpicy is, it can be overwhelming. The world is just not really set up for us as a whole. And so something that I'm very gifted in is turning symptoms into superpowers. So helping people tap into what's considered a symptom or a dysfunction by society and utilizing it as the superpower that it is because our brains and our bodies just work differently.

It may be dysfunctional according to societal standards. However, we work at a hyper pace. We're at hyper speed all the time, and it's why we process differently. And when we're able to tap into those symptoms or those superpowers, and we're able to utilize 'em for the best interest of us, our family, our work [00:04:00] environment, whatever it is, it completely changes our mindset and our dynamic and our habits. I'm also a mindset coach. So that's a big piece of it is if you look at yourself as broken, you will function as if you were broken. If you think you are a burden, you will constantly be burdensome to others. However, if you recognize that you are gifted and you are special and you are beautiful and you are talented and you can utilize your unique talents to succeed and support and help others and yourself, that's the pathway you're going to find.

Samantha Foote: Yes, it's all about mindset. My mom was telling me she works at a school and she has some kids come in and they say, I can't do that. I have autism or I can't do that because I have ADHD, or they say, my mom told me I can't do this because of my autism or whatever. And I'm just like, No.

So for a long time, my mom was like, don't get your kids diagnosed. She was against getting a diagnosis because she worked with these kids who said, I can't do that because I have this [00:05:00] diagnosis, where then other kids would come in and they'll be like, I can do this because I have ADHD; this is my superpower.

And so it is definitely just all about mindset. And if you do get a diagnosis, you can go one of those two ways. Like you can embrace it and be like, yes, this is who I am. This is how my brain functions. This is how I'm going to contribute to society with my quote unquote superpowers.

So what would you say to people who maybe have that mindset of, I can't do this because I have this diagnosis?

Briana McCallum: The simple answer is, you change what you think, you change what you see. And, the expanded answer on that is, whatever we tell our brain, it's like our engine. If we press the gas on the car, it's going to rev up the engine.

So it goes faster. If we hit the brake, it's going to slow it down. It's the same way that our brain works. It's a muscle. So if you're constantly feeding that fuel to your brain of, I can't, I'm not good enough, [00:06:00] I'm incapable, I'm unable. I am like identifying with the symptom. I am overwhelmed. Your brain's job is to show you proof of that because you've given it a command.

This is what I am. This is what I need to see. This is what I can't do. So your brain says, okay, let's make that a reality. That's what we do. The best thing you can do is flip that script. You just rewrite the narrative. You start saying, I can do this. If that's too much at first, totally fine. If it was too much for me at first, say, I am learning to be better at this.

Or, I am practicing this thing. So instead of it being, I'm really bad at staying focused, it's I'm practicing focusing and being more productive, or I am constantly improving at focusing and being productive and also self compassion and empathy. That's a huge part of it because everybody needs that.

When you've gone your whole life, number one, being told, because a lot of that does come from caregivers and well meaning leaders [00:07:00] of these children, they're imprinting those self limiting beliefs in their minds. When you've gone your whole life doing that, it atrophies that part of your brain that tells you the opposite.

So you have to rebuild it. As, like I said I like the comparison of a muscle. The brain is a muscle. Whatever you work, the bigger that muscle is going to get. Start saying I can, start saying I'm improving just change the narrative and I also started adding working with Caregivers of neurodivergence as well for exactly what she brought up that my mom told me that I can't do this because they don't obviously no parent is gonna intentionally hurt their child, but what they don't realize is they're limiting that child.

They're starting them out on the wrong foot because now they are going to struggle not realizing that they never had to do that. One of the best things you can do is recognize that child is neurodivergent and give them the tools that they need to succeed same with an adult but don't put them in a box.

Don't isolate them. They you still we still have to [00:08:00] interact with the outside world, but we have to find our guardrails. It's just okay. This is way too freaking much the wind's blowing and my sensory overload is going nuts and there's all these noises and there's all these people around and I can feel all these energies and my thoughts are going a thousand miles a minute and I'm hungry right now and all that happens all at once if you teach a child to be aware instead of saying, Oh you're autistic or you're ADHD, so it's just too much for you. You can't be in this.

What are you thinking? What are you feeling? What do you need? Identify and redirect: super simple. So that way we're constantly preparing. Okay. I know I need my noise canceling earbuds with me. That needs to be around.

I know I need to have my worry stone in my pocket so I can focus on that instead of all the things going around. I know I have to be in this crowd. So let me take that route that goes around the crowd a little bit, or let me take some breaks.

Samantha Foote: Yes, I love how you talked about getting accommodations for what you might struggle with.

So I like the worry stone that you talked about, like having something that you focus on so you're not focusing on the other things. It [00:09:00] reminds me of that show. What's it called with the autistic doctor? I love that show. Anyway, Freddie Highmore plays the doctor, anyway, the doctor, he is autistic. He is super autistic.

I guess you could say, I don't know. He's autistic. He has a really traumatic past and his brother gave him play blade, like a scalpel. He's a surgeon. And so whenever he is having issues or he's like worrying about something or he's overwhelmed with something, he just grabs that scalpel and he just touches it and just feels it like rubs it back and forth.

Hey everyone, Samantha here and I'm thrilled to invite you to join me for something special. The Parenting Power Hour. This is your chance, parents of neurodivergent kids, to bring your questions directly to me and fellow parents in the room. We're here to help you develop actionable plans that really [00:10:00] work so you can finally stop the meltdowns and find peace in your home.

As a mom to three kids with ADHD and autism, I've seen and been through the challenges too, so trust me, we'll find solutions together that fit your family. Don't miss out on the Parenting Power Hour. It's a free, online, monthly gathering every second Thursday of the month from 12:45 - 1:45 Mountain Standard Time. Visit everybrainisdifferent.com to reserve your spot today.

I don't think a lot of people think about that, that if you are having anxiety or you're overwhelmed or something is just too overstimulating for you, if you can just have an object that you can just hold and feel it. And feel the smooth, or if it's rough, or just think about different things with that object, like for him, his brother passed away, and so he thought of his brother, and what his brother would say in that moment, because his brother was the one that always calmed him down when he got overwhelmed, [00:11:00] and when he grabbed onto that scalpel, that's what he thought about.

I just don't think a lot of people think about having an object like that and how powerful it can actually be. So that just, it just reminded me when you said that. Are there other things that you would say to parents who are raising neurodivergent kids to help them find accommodations for the things that they struggle with or anything like that?

Briana McCallum: Absolutely. There are so many resources out there. Educating yourself is the best thing you can do. So whatever your child's diagnosis is, read up on it, or audiobooks. You can play anything while you're driving, or walking, or doing the dishes, whatever, and just really educate yourself on whatever that is. For me, my child has ADHD with anxiety.

So ADHD 2.0 is one of my favorite books. Also in the Kula community, all DHT, AUD, all the HD is one that we reference a lot there as well. We have a pretty big [00:12:00] book list there. But anything you can get your hands on just to really learn as much as possible about what to look out for, because there are things with neurodivergent kids that may not seem like it's a symptom, so to speak, but you don't recognize it until later on in life or now it's become an issue or it's become an obstacle. So the more knowledge you have, the easier it is to go, Ooh, actually, this may be autism related, or this may be anxiety related. This may be ADD related. And then you can really, as a parent, start seeing those precursors to, okay, my child has started.

She has little ticks when she's starting to anxious before the meltdown ever happens. And it'll be sucking her thumb or messing with her ear or messing with my ear for comfort of just seeking sensory things or sometimes when it's more the ADHD than the anxiety, it's high sensory seeking like she wants super stimulation, just everything all the time, nonstop, which for my ADD, it's, we're polar opposites.

I'm like, oh, this is too [00:13:00] much. She's like I love it. But I also know that's a sign that when she's getting zoomy, is she has some energy that she needs to get out, but there's also some stuff going on up here. Which is, it's good for her to move her body, so we know, alright, we're gonna stay away from sugar today, which you should anyways, and caffeine, like definitely keep those minimal or out of the mix. And let's really fuel our body and let's have some mindfulness. Let's make sure we go climb a tree or play in nature, get our hands in the dirt, build something, go to the park and just really spending time together.

That's another thing is you can't spend enough time with your kid because that's really how you learn them the best. And that's how you teach them and model to them what tools they can use to practice them together and sometimes. You're not going to be able to often. You're not gonna be able to do it in the moment. You need to do it outside of those meltdown times.

So you practice them and it becomes a skill that's already familiar and we use cognitive play based therapy in our house a lot. So [00:14:00] we'll act out a scenario and we'll play it out and then we'll utilize those coping skills in that play scenario. So then when it comes to an actual meltdown or overwhelm moment, she's already got that tool.

And if it's going well, I can say something to trigger it or, hey, let's try this and it'll work. If it's not, she may just still have the meltdown and go take some space, but she'll still end up doing it because it's already like a seed that we've planted and watered over time.

Samantha Foote: Yes, practicing when you're not in the moment of crisis is so important, because if you're like, okay, we're going to do this, and your child has never even heard of that before, and they're in a crisis, they're not going to hear what you're saying.

They're not going to do what you're asking them to do, because they're in crisis. They don't know what's going on and then I noticed a lot of people tend to just talk a lot when there's a crisis or when your child is [00:15:00] escalated. I can guarantee your children cannot hear you.

They cannot process what you were saying to them when they are that escalated and so if you do practice like the emotional regulation strategies before. Or the anxiety strategies or whatever, then they're able to use those strategies because you're like you said before your brain is a muscle like your brain will be like, Oh, yeah, this is what we do.

And so then they can calm down maybe a little bit easier.

Briana McCallum: Absolutely. And we have a dopamine menu as well because for most neurodivergents, we don't produce as much dopamine just normally we have to do a little bit more. So what we've done there's a few different ones, but we have a dopamine menu.

That's got the wholesome Dopamine things that are really good for you. And then we've got more like the side items that are just fidgets and things like that. And then we've got the junk food and the dessert that's like a treat or some kind of quick fix and then we've got I can't remember [00:16:00] what the last one in but there's another one that's more like the big dopamine hit of where we're going to go out and do a special meal, or we're going to go on a trip, we're going to do something like that, but I found that to be helpful as well, because sometimes I can redirect her in those overwhelm moments where she's just like mad and throwing a fit, and I like to really, not mockingly, obviously, but make a big deal of it.

I hate this, man, I hate it too, this is dumb. I wish it was whatever, and then sometimes we'll get to the point where we're acting out what we wish it was and it's so impossible where there's now unicorns and dragons and all kinds of stuff that it's absolutely ridiculous and we're laughing. But I also use those moments to add to that dopamine menu of, okay this is something that she's thinking about in those moments. Even if we're going into imagination and dragons and unicorns, sometimes just having an escape moment is needed. Adults do it. We get on our phones. We get on social media. Kids need that too. And my eight year old will straight up say, I am overwhelmed. It's been a long day. I am stressed out. I just want to veg out on [00:17:00] my game. And that's all I want to do. I want to snuggle with you. And I want to veg. And I want pizza for dinner. Okay let's do that. As long as homework gets done, that's fine. But I now know that those are her things. That's on her dopamine menu, and it's helpful.

And then movement. I can't stress movement enough. Cause you'll notice a lot of kids, like that's where they throw tantrums. They're throwing their bodies around. They're moving a lot. Then that somatic response, it's normal. We need to move that energy out of our bodies. And I would highly recommend studying the vagus nerve as well, because if we have vagal nerve stimulation, it bypasses our dysregulation and enables us to calm down almost instantly.

Difficult to get children to do it, but if you can start teaching it, it's very helpful. So there's a punching bag that hangs in my kid's room, and on her door I have punching bags. A lot of neurodivergent kids, when they get super overwhelmed, they can get a little physical, because they're having trouble expressing it.

So I just keep those there. If she's really stressed out, nothing else works. Hand her cute little unicorn punching gloves, [00:18:00] pull out the mitts, and start hitting. And company over and everything, I don't care what's going on, we're about to hit some stuff. And I, yeah, I had a brand new person over to my house, she said That was solid parenting.

Really? Cause it felt super awkward. Thank you.

Samantha Foote: No, if you're giving your kid what they need, like in the moment, like kids don't care if people are over, they don't care what's going on. Like when they get overstimulated, they need interventions to help them calm down. And that is solid parenting. That's amazing.

Thank you so much. You've shared great resources and fantastic strategies to use. I love the dopamine menu. I've never heard of that before, put in that way. And so just, you can even ask your kids what helps you, what gives you joy? What does this? And then be curious and just look and see what they ask for.

Your daughter said, I want this. Those are all definitely things that are on her dopamine menu that make her feel better. So I love that. I'm going to do that with my kids [00:19:00] because they throw fits and I don't know what to do sometimes so we're gonna do that. That's amazing.

Where can people find you online?

Briana McCallum: So my website is LMHTE like the drink LMHTEA.org And if you go to my holistic health and wellness coaching that's where you'll find an area to book me. You can book a free consult with me anytime; I'm always willing to give 30 minutes of my time just to help out and give some advice.

Anybody can do that once a month. Can't do it non stop because obviously got other things I gotta do. But, if you just need some advice, feel free to book a consult on me. I'm also on YouTube, getting that channel built up. I'm on LinkedIn, Instagram, and Facebook. I'm not huge on social media, but you can peruse through some of the stuff I've put up.

And yeah I love coaching. I love helping people. I love supporting and empowering folks. So even if you don't want to book a whole session with me and you just want to chat. I'm down. I enjoy it.

Samantha Foote: [00:20:00] Awesome. That's very generous of you to do it once a month. Usually people are like, you can do it one time and then you have to pay me.

So I love it. So our last question is what do you do for fun?

Briana McCallum: Oh, that's a long list. Music. I love, love music. Listening to music, making music. I play piano and I'm a writer. And I also play with a local symphony and every now and again I'll jam with bands.

Not when it's cold like it is now, but I do gardening. I like getting my hands in the dirt. When I'm feeling emotionally dysregulated, especially if it's overwhelmed to the extent that it's like multiple days it's impacting me. Getting out and creating a new little garden bed or planting some flowers is one of my favorite things to do because then every time it reblooms I can think about getting through that time and that's become a bit of a pattern for me. And the yard's gotten really nice because of it.

I also like to cook for other people, not so much for me. Love cooking for other people.

I'm into martial arts. I've become a bit of a gym rat, like hanging out [00:21:00] at the gym. It's a cool place to be. It feels good to keep my body moving.

And then just playing. I'm a giant kid. I'm that mom that I'm out on the playground with the kids. I am sometimes just as disruptive as the children.

Samantha Foote: That's amazing. Yeah. I love how all the things you do for fun are very healthy things to do. So that's awesome. So thank you so much for coming on the show. We really appreciate your time and if people want to hang out with you, just book a consultation.

Thank you.

Briana McCallum: Look forward to connecting. Thank you so much for having me.

Samantha Foote: Yeah. Lauren, what did you think? What were the highlights?

Lauren Ross: Oh my gosh. So many. I love her. Like you said, I'm super excited about this dopamine menu. Like we all have the things that we know that help us and get that but to have a term or like a thing like a dopamine menu like I legitimately want to make a shrimp menu but like I want to get real greedy.[00:22:00]

Yeah. I think that's amazing. My favorite reminder she's, she mentioned it a few times and then just even herself she's just a big kid. I still play. I think play is so forgotten as adults, and it can be good for us, but also for your kids. That's where we can get a lot of teaching done is through play.

So do not forget to just go out and play with your kids, play in the dirt, get outside, find a tree. Don't forget those like little things because they can have such huge impact on later, and they are such good teaching moments, especially when you can integrate those coping skills, like we say, and repeatedly say we can't teach those in the moment in a crisis, we have to do it before, so we can remind them of it when they are in that crisis. And I really love that.

And then again, a reminder to parents don't set up your kids to fail just because they have the diagnosis it is not, they can't do it's what they can do and, or [00:23:00] what, adaptations they might need to do that. And so I, again, I appreciate that reminder every time it happens because I think it is really important and that's how we can shape that mindset of I can do this, or I will be able to learn, or I can try. I think that's really important.

Samantha Foote: Yeah, for sure. Just, I think it's okay for parents to be realistic with their kid.

And say, this might be hard for you, but we're gonna find a way to do it if you really want to do it. But say, going back to that show that I was talking about, which is The Good Doctor, by the way, that is the name of it. And it came to me.

Lauren Ross: I knew you were talking about it, but I was like, I don't, it's Doctor.

Samantha Foote: Yeah, it's The Good Doctor. Anyway, in the show, he's like I want to be a surgeon. But his communication differences are so severe and the way he works is so different than the neurotypical [00:24:00] peers that everyone's, you're not going to do that. You're not going to survive residency. You're not going to survive this, but he has accommodations in place and he tells people I'm autistic.This might seem a little different to you than your normal interactions with other people. And then he has a mentor that's really helping him through. And I know it's all fictional, but I think it's very good. It's a lot of real life applications. It has a lot of real life applications. If you want to do something, find a mentor, find, tell people up front, Hey, I'm autistic and, or I have ADHD.

And so these are some of the things that I do that you might not be familiar with.

Lauren Ross: And I think with kids too, and we've had a few people mention this and I can't remember names. I'm sorry. If your kid has an interest in truck driving or whatever, cause I know a lot of kids like just like big trucks and tractors, find them someone, a truck driver that's [00:25:00] willing to show them and mentor them or whatever, or even if it's just to get them to see and look and experience, even if it's just like one time.

Samantha Foote: Yeah, exactly. Awesome. So if people are interested in learning more about Brianna, which I, at the beginning of the episode when I paused at her name, it was because I was like, is it Brianna? Is it Brianna? I don't know what I'm talking about right now.

Lauren Ross: I was more concerned about her last name.

Samantha Foote: Yeah. Just message her. She is fantastic. She was involved and she's one of the panelists for the Neurodiversity and Harmony Summit last fall, and she was amazing. So yeah, definitely check her out. Check out the Kula community.

Samantha Foote: yeah, and let us know what you want to hear about on the podcast.

Let us know what. What you're struggling with, if we can answer the question or [00:26:00] if we can get someone to come in and answer the question, we are always looking for new ideas and what everyone wants to hear about. Thank you for listening.

Lauren Ross: Thank you for listening to today's episode. We hope this discussion on neurodiversity has provided you with support, understanding and inspiration. If you're looking for more support, Or you can go to everybrainisdifferent.com and download the ultimate guide to parenting your neurodivergent child.