127- Back-to-School Tips for Neurodivergent Kids and Their Families

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Welcome to Every Brain is Different, the podcast where we celebrate the unique world of neurodiversity. We are your hosts, Samantha Foote, a neurodivergent, Board Certified Music Therapist and mom to three kids of ADHD and autism. And Lauren Ross, an ally to the neurodivergent community with over 10 years of experience supporting children and adults with autism.

This podcast is for parents like you. Navigating the world of neurodiversity with love and compassion. Together we'll create a world where every brain is valued and celebrated. We're excited to embark on this enlightening journey with you.

Transcript:

Samantha Foote: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Every Brain is Different Podcast. It is Samantha and Lauren with you today, and we are talking about going back to school. My kids started back to school yesterday, and it was a very exciting day for my kindergartner, not so exciting day for my older son, but we made it through, and that's cool.

Lauren Ross: Was it an [00:01:00] exciting day for you?

Samantha Foote: It was an exciting day for me, except I'm so sad because my daughter's in kindergarten, and I did not get to see her go on the bus for the first time, and I was very sad about that because the bus came 20 minutes early while I was in the shower. I was like, "Oh, I got loads of time. I'm fine." And then my husband came in. He's, "The kids are gone." And I was like, "The kids are what?" And yeah.

Lauren Ross: Just pretend, just pretend the next day was the first-

Samantha Foote: Well, today I walked her out to the bus, and I was like, got her on the bus and pretended like it was the first day of school. So, it's fine. Everything is fine.

But last week, her teacher sent out this thing that I thought was genius about how to get ready for the first day of school. So if you have not gone to school yet, you're not crazy. Like, my school district is going back to school, like, super early. I feel like when I was in school, we didn't go back to school till the end of August, [00:02:00] and now they're going back to school, like, way earlier, and I'm like, "What is happening?"

Lauren Ross: My thing with Idaho is the, why won't they do it after the fair?

Samantha Foote: I know!

Lauren Ross: It doesn’t make any sense at all.

Samantha Foote: I know! They have the state fair the, what, it's like the week of the 21st. And there's all these kids that are in the fair, but then they have school. I'm like, "Why don't you just wait till after the fair?" I don't understand that.

Lauren Ross: And it's such a big thing for that area. And so, like, it just, I feel like it used to be like that, but.

Samantha Foote: I remember when I was in sixth grade, I only remember this because I went to an NSYNC concert at the fair. They started school that week, but it's a lot different starting school on a Wednesday or Thursday, the week of the fair, rather than going the whole week and have already been in school for two or three weeks before the fair starts, so. [00:03:00] Yeah. I remember that, though, 'cause I thought I was so cool, 'cause I started middle school. And then I went to an NSYNC concert, and it was my first concert, and I was, thought I was so cool. I had my new school clothes. I was dying of heat because my mom buys me clothes for the fall and winter, but you start school when it's summer. I was wearing, like, this sweater thing... in the middle of summer at the fair outside. I'm like, "What am I doing?" But I thought I was legit.

But yeah, I think that schools should start in September after Labor Day and get done before Memorial Day. At the very least, start espec- okay, in Idaho, because Idaho weather is not that great in May, beginning of June, but it's fantastic in August.

Lauren Ross: Yeah.

Samantha Foote: And so why don't they-

Lauren Ross: It's probably the best

Samantha Foote: ... start later, and then I'm okay [00:04:00] with them getting out after Memorial Day. But everyone's, "No, we have to get out before Memorial Day." So, whatever.

Lauren Ross: I remember it used to go into the middle of June-

Samantha Foote: Yeah ...

Lauren Ross: back in the good old days.

Samantha Foote: Yeah. We sound old. We sound like old people.

Lauren Ross: I know. We are.

Samantha Foote: But I was not ready for my summer adventures to end with my family, but I think my kids were, and that is an- something important that I wanna talk about. Like, I had my summer of yes, and I did way too much with my children. They... I realized after we had done too much, I pulled it back. But it's important to watch your kids, and even if it means you don't get to do some things, I think your kids' nervous system is a little more important than missing out on an activity that you thought would be fun. And I'm saying this for my own benefit. I'm saying this to remind myself of [00:05:00] that, because I was like, "I don't wanna miss out on that," and I love going and doing things, but my kids' nervous systems were just not okay after, especially after those two weeks in July where we just did way too much stuff.

So next summer, I will be doing things differently, and during the school year, I will be doing things differently and not cramming so much in on every weekend.

I am the epitome, though, of FOMO. I've had it my whole life. I always, I have an intense fear of missing out, and not like a fear, like I'm always worried about missing out, and I'm always worried about not living life to the fullest and whatever. But I realize that living life to the fullest also means having a self-regulated nervous system, which my kids do not have if they don't get enough time at home. And they're going to school now, so they're out of the house more, so they need even more time at home, which is going to be very hard for me, [00:06:00] but- I can do it. I believe in myself. So if you needed to hear that, I don't know if you did, but it just came up for me, so maybe you needed to hear that, too. It's okay to stay home on a Saturday or a Sunday, or the whole weekend. It's okay to stay home for the whole weekend and not do anything to get-

Lauren Ross: You can get burned out from fun stuff, too.

Samantha Foote: Yeah, yeah. I am an extrovert, and I love going out, but I think my kids are introverts, and my husband definitely is. My husband didn't even wanna do anything on his birthday when we got home.

Lauren Ross: Yeah.

Samantha Foote: And he was like, "I just wanna be home." And I was like, "We are not the same." But that's okay. That's okay, and there's- You know, I can get a babysitter for my kids if they need to stay home. I can stay home with them. My husband can stay home with them. There's a lot of different options to get my needs fulfilled and also theirs, I have discovered, so. That is my goal going into the school year, and that is one of the things that you can [00:07:00] do to help your kids get ready for school.

That's what we're talking about today, is getting your kids ready for school, is planning out a schedule. Like, planning out a schedule that works for them. Don't jam-pack everything. Don't put them in a million activities if what they need is just to be home after school. Just being home is okay. Even if they get home and you're like, "Oh, they've been at school all day, I wanna make memories with them," like, you don't have to make memories every day. You can just let them come home, have screen time for a while, regulate, like decompress how they need to decompress, and honor what they need to do. So make a plan for that. How are you going to support your kids' nervous systems while they're in school?

Lauren Ross: Especially if you're going from a less indifferent structure, structure to more intense regulated.

Samantha Foote: Yeah. Especially if you have, if you had a pretty fluid summer and now all of a sudden they're in school, like definitely [00:08:00] still have structure, but give them more freedom in what they decide to do. And, like my son goes to his room and plays with Legos for hours and does not come out. That's what he needs to regulate his body. That's cool. Like, I need to respect that, and I need to not talk to him, and so forth. So, yeah.

The second thing is to build excitement about going to school. So you can do this leading up to school. You can talk about what they're gonna be doing at school, what their favorite thing is, what they're looking forward to. So, if they're really excited to see their friends again, 'cause maybe they haven't seen them over the summer, then talk about how exciting it is gonna, gonna be to see their friends. If they're not super into social stuff, talk about what they're gonna learn, talk about recess, talk about if they really like PE or they really like music. I know kids that are really into band, and so they're really excited to get back into [00:09:00] band because they didn't have that over the summer. So build up the excitement. Talk about the things that they're looking forward to.

If they say, "I don't like school. I don't wanna go to school. There's nothing to look forward to," there is something, at least one thing, that all kids like about school. There has to be at least one thing. If they're social, it's the friends. If they're not social, maybe it's going to the library, maybe it's band, maybe it's choir, maybe it's PE. There is something that all kids like about school. You know, just, it just depends on the kid, but talk it up, and then talk about things that they might not like, and talk about coping skills to get through those things, or what they're going to do.

For example, if they go to music class and it's too loud, what can we do in music class to make it less loud? Do you have noise-canceling headphones? Are you placed not near the speaker? Are you away from the loudest instruments, if you're in band? Stuff like that.

Lauren Ross: I [00:10:00] like that, going over, like, the coping skills that maybe we haven't had to use for the summer and just, like, reminding them of maybe situations that have happened in the past at school and, and how to over- overcome them, cope with them. So I think that's a really good idea.

Samantha Foote: Yeah. If they bring up, like, "Oh, I'm worried about this," like, my daughter was like, "What if I can't find the lunch room? What if I try to go in the school and the door is locked? What if I don't know where to go for recess? What if I don't know where to go to line up?" She was very worried about not knowing where things were, and I said, "Then you ask a teacher. Then you ask another student. Then you push the button that you have to do, like, if the door is locked, you push the button that alerts the teacher that you need to be let in," stuff like that. But yeah, if they're fearful of anything, go through their fears and tell them, make a plan of what they're gonna do when they have something come up that maybe they're a little bit afraid of or not that excited about.

Hey, everyone. [00:11:00] Samantha here, and I'm thrilled to invite you to join me for something special, the Parenting Power Hour. This is your chance, parents of neurodivergent kids, to bring your questions directly to me and fellow parents in the room. We're here to help you develop actionable plans that really work so you can finally stop the meltdowns and find peace in your home. As a mom to three kids with ADHD and autism, I've seen and been through the challenges too. So trust me, we'll find solutions together that fit your family. Don't miss out on the Parenting Power Hour. It's a free online monthly gathering every second Thursday of the month from 12:45 to 1:45 Mountain Standard Time. Visit everybrainisdifferent.com to reserve your spot today.

And then the next thing is have your child pick out their school supplies. So if they're getting a new backpack, none of my kids wanted a new backpack this year. I offered to buy them one, and they're like, "No."

Lauren Ross: That’s like the best part of school is when you got a new backpack. I’m a backpack person. So.

Samantha Foote: [00:12:00] Yeah, yeah. I look forward to picking out my backpack every year, and I asked all of them, and they're like, "No, we're good with the ones we have." And I'm like, "Okay."

Lauren Ross: It’s going to save you money.

Samantha Foote: But yeah. I know. I appreciate it. I'm not complaining. But I just thought it was so funny.

But yeah, pick out the school supplies that they're gonna use, and then talk about if the teacher is going to put them for communal use or if they get their own supplies, 'cause I know that varies by classroom. Like, in one classroom at my kids' school, the teacher wants all their supplies labeled. In another classroom, the only thing that they get to keep that's their own is their pencil box, and then all the other supplies are going into a big thing, and you're just taking them out as needed.

So make sure that they know what's going to happen with their supplies before they get to school, 'cause if they were planning on having their crayons that they picked out, you're gonna wanna prepare them that [00:13:00] they're not going to have those crayons.

Lauren Ross: That's such a, a good... I never would've thought about that, but that's legit, especially if you have children, like, their things are theirs. Um, I think that's really smart.

Samantha Foote: Yeah. Last year, I labeled all my kids' stuff, and then most of it went into communal stuff, and I did not realize that. And so they were very sad when their stuff went in with everybody else's. The teachers usually say that. Like, they'll send out a letter. Like, I got emails this year saying, "This is how our class runs. I want all your stuff labeled. I don't want your stuff labeled." And then I prepared my kids for what their teacher wanted. Or we also looked at the class lists of what supplies were needed, and I had to prepare my older kid that he wasn't gonna get as many supplies as my middle kid because his teacher didn't want those supplies in the classroom. Where my middle son, his teacher [00:14:00] wanted all the supplies in the classroom. So, just preparing them that things might look different than it's looked in the past because every year you might need different supplies depending on the grade you're in, and it's not gonna look like their siblings if their siblings are in different grades. That's something else you can do to prepare your kid.

Lauren Ross: It’s the little things.

Samantha Foote: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and then the next thing is if they're bringing a lunch to school every day, I would start having them practice eating their lunch, getting their lunch out of their lunchbox before they go to school so you can make sure that they can open everything, that they're going to eat everything, that they're not just gonna open it and then throw it away, 'cause my mom works at a school. She said it's super frustrating when parents pack stuff that their kids can't open themselves because she doesn't have enough time to go around opening everyone's stuff, and by the time she opens everything, [00:15:00] the kids don't have enough time to eat it. And so the kids don't get a lot of time to eat lunch. And so if you can have things that they can open themselves, then that helps so they don't take as much time waiting for someone to open something.

And then, what was the other thing? Oh, and then they're also practicing, "This is what we're gonna be eating for lunch. This is the expectations." I went to McDonald's a few weeks ago, and I was just sitting there eating with my kids, and I heard this mom say, "You need to practice eating lunch in 15 minutes because that's what's gonna happen when you go to school. They're going to time you, and you don't get more than 15 minutes." The kid looked at her and said, "That is not enough time. I need more time." And she said, "They don't give you more time, so we need to practice this." And she was practicing eating lunch in 15 minutes because that is what her school, that's what most schools, I feel like, give your kids. And you can debate whether that's enough [00:16:00] time or not, but that's what it is. That's what it is, and so you have to get your kid to be able to focus and concentrate to eat their lunch in that 15 minutes so they're not starving, uh, or causing issues or having a meltdown because, "I wasn't ready yet." So I would practice. If your kids have a hard time, I would practice eating lunch in 15 minutes, and really training them to focus and eat.

Lauren Ross: I love this. I recently watched multiple videos from educators specifically about lunch and kids not being able to open things or, like, sending things that, like, require microwave or blah blah, 'cause there's a limited amount of adults to be managing and making sure people get fed. So even if you have to repackage a few things, but practicing making sure they can open stuff and eating in a certain time frame, I think that's all really good advice.

Samantha Foote: Yeah, [00:17:00] and I think one thing to watch out for, my mom said Capri Suns or those pouch drinks, if your child cannot put the straw in, do not send it to school.

Lauren Ross: Yeah. That was one of the things-

Samantha Foote: Or practice doing them. That's one of the things that, like, I hear the most is do not send those to school unless you know your kid can reliably put the straw in. And I don't think parents think about that, 'cause they're just like, "Oh, my kid does well. They like those." And I'm not blaming parents. You just don't think about what you actually do for your kid. And so putting, just give them their lunchbox. They have to open their lunchbox, they have to open everything in it, and see if they can do it and eat it all in 15 minutes. That's a good trial run to do. And if they can't, then you have time to figure things out.

The next suggestion is to attend events before school starts. So my school had, like, cookies for [00:18:00] kindergartners, and then they had meet the teacher day, and they had, I think they had another event, too, where you could just come and see how the school, like, you can tour the school. You can get, drop off your school supplies so you're not carrying them all on the first day. You can meet your teacher so you're familiar with your teacher before school starts. Just attend those events, 'cause I think it really puts kids' minds at ease, especially kids who get anxiety, like not knowing what's gonna happen. You can say, "Okay, here's where you go in the morning before you go into class. Here's where you can play. Here's where you line up. Here's where you go inside. Here's where PE is. Here's where music is. Here's where lunch is."

I realized when my daughter was freaking out about not knowing where the lunchroom was, she didn't know that the lunchroom and the gym were the same thing, because we had been to the gym several times, but she didn't realize that they also served lunch [00:19:00] there. And so saying those kinds of things, like, "In this room, you are going to have lunch. You are also going to do gym. You are also gonna do, like, choir performances-

Lauren Ross: Assemblies

Samantha Foote: ... or band performances or assemblies in this room." And so just letting them know everything that happens in a multipurpose room can really help their fears and anxiety.

And then the last thing is just make sure that your child is where they're at to succeed in school. So going into kindergarten, can they write their name? Can they recognize their name? That was just a big thing that I hear all the time. And if they can't, don't stress it, but tell the teacher, like, "Oh, we're working on writing their name. This is where we're at." And just let them know where you're at, 'cause I know that kids are at all different levels. But if at all possible, I've heard this from many teachers, like, [00:20:00] before your kid goes into kindergarten, have them be able to write their name or at least their initials. So-

Lauren Ross: Like, a foundation of everything else-

Samantha Foote: Yeah, yeah

Lauren Ross: to come.

Samantha Foote: Yeah. And so there's other guidelines that they say your kid should know before going into school. I've just heard that one multiple times, like at least be able to write their name or their initials, and it will make everything a lot easier. But yeah.

But those are the suggestions that I have based on my experience and this handy-dandy document that my daughter's teacher sent us.

So it's build excitement about school, and then offer coping skills. Talk about coping skills for things that are stressful for your kid or that they're not quite sure about, they're anxious, whatever. And then have your child pick out their supplies. Also tell them if they're going to be able to use their own supplies or they're gonna have to, like, all the supplies are gonna go in a communal place.

Lauren Ross: You're gonna have to share.

Samantha Foote: You're gonna [00:21:00] have to share, yeah. Are they gonna use their own supplies or do they have to share? And then practice eating lunch. I know that's a really hard one for some kids. And then plan to attend any before school activities, so like cookies with the teacher, meeting the teacher, taking your stuff and dropping it off before school starts. And then help your child write their name or do other things that maybe are suggested before entering the grade that they're in.

Yeah. I hope everyone has an awesome back to school time, and that everything goes smoothly and your kids love school. If they don't, if you're experiencing issues, if you would like to talk about issues, if you wanna talk about parenting, you can join our parenting membership, where it's just a community of parents and me, and we come together and we talk about things. You can talk about things individually with me. You can come to the group things. [00:22:00] I have a course on there. But yeah, go to everybrainisdifferent.com to find more information about that, and let us know how the start to the school year goes.

Lauren Ross: Remember, you're not alone.

Samantha Foote: Yes, you're not alone. And I... Okay, one thing before we go.

I have been feeling like a failure as a mom lately because I've been very overstimulated by other things, and my kids have been super anxious for school starting, and so that's caused some behavioral issues. Because when you're anxious, you're generally defiant. It comes out as defiance, 'cause you're, like, in fight or flight, right? And so I have been like, "Nothing works. I'm a terrible mother. I don't know what I'm doing," all of that. And one of my friends told me very, something very important today. She said, she has grown kids, and she's like, "When I started feeling like that," because every parent will feel like that, things that were [00:23:00] working in your parenting journey at one point, your kid's gonna change, and you're gonna have to figure something else out. And so I think that's where I'm at in my parenting journey right now, is we're trying to figure some other things out. And she said, "Just love them. Just let your kids know that they are loved, that you're working on it, and just love them for who they are, and parent the child that you have." And that's what I'm trying to do. Like, my kids are not really the reason why I'm overstimulated right now, but because I'm overstimulated by other things, it's making my fuse shorter. And I just have to remember just to love my kids as they are, to love myself, and give myself grace. Also, if you needed to hear it, that's your daily reminder.

Lauren Ross: Well said.

Samantha Foote: Cause, I don't know, I have not been feeling like a spectacular parent lately. But just remember, every parent does that. You can be the most perfect parent on the planet, but you can still feel like that. You can still feel like you're a terrible parent. You might be the best parent ever, and you can still feel like a terrible parent.[00:24:00] It's just what happens, 'cause we're so hard on ourselves, especially when we have kids who are neurodivergent, and we're comparing ourselves to parents of kids who are neurotypical. Definitely kids who are neurotypical also present challenges. I just think it's harder, not harder, I think it's hard when you're comparing your parenting style and your kid to someone who has totally different way of thinking and doing things. You can't, it's like apples and oranges. You can't compare them. And just do you, love your kid, parent the kid you have, and be kind to yourself.

So I feel like I'm at a Post Malone, I'm being Post Malone right now. I went to his concert, and he was just so, like, giving motivational speeches-

Lauren Ross: Positive ...

Samantha Foote: all the time. And the more the concert went on, the longer the concert went on, the more motivational he would get. And I feel like that's how I am in this podcast today. But if anyone needed those words of [00:25:00] encouragement, there you go. Maybe it was just for me. But I hope you all have a great August, and back to school goes well.

So we will see you next week.

Thank you for listening to today's episode. We hope this discussion on neurodiversity has provided you with support, understanding and inspiration. If you're looking for more support, Or you can go to everybrainisdifferent.com and download the ultimate guide to parenting your neurodivergent child.