84 - Boosting Self-Esteem in Neurodivergent Children

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TRANSCRIPT

Samantha Foote: [00:00:00] This podcast is for parents like you, navigating the world of neurodiversity with love and compassion. I'm a neurodivergent mother of three amazing neurodivergent children and a board certified music therapist. Our mission is to create a supportive space where you feel understood, connected, and inspired.

With practical tips, strategies, and resources, we'll help you and your child thrive in your unique way. Join us as we dive deep into the diverse world of neurodivergent individuals, exploring topics like ADHD. Autism, dyslexia, sensory processing challenges, and more. We'll cover it all to empower, educate, and uplift both neurodivergent individuals and those who walk alongside them.

Together, we'll create a world where every brain is valued and celebrated. We're excited to embark on this enlightening journey with you. We are your hosts, Samantha Foote and Lauren Ross, and this is the Every Brain is Different podcast.

Welcome to the Every Brain is Different [00:01:00] podcast. It is Lauren and me with you today. And before we get started, I just wanted to send out a reminder that the Neurodiversity in Harmony Summit is coming up on Friday. It's a free summit. You can come. You can listen to the 12 panelists speak. You can listen to Katey Fortune, who is coming.

And I'm also a keynote speaker. And the ticket is free to come get in the breakout rooms and all that. And also, if you want to upgrade to a VIP ticket, you can do that and get the 20 minute presentations that all our panelists are doing as well as a recording of the summit. So if that is of interest to you go to everybrainisdifferent.com and you will find all the information there. But today we are focusing on the positive. We are talking about focusing on the positive with your child. And why is this important, Lauren? What do you think? 

Lauren Ross: Being, [00:02:00] well, I think being positive in general. Yes. Why? I think you're going to have a way easier time in life if we can focus on the positives.

Especially with your children. Especially when you're going through a hard time with your children. 

Samantha Foote: For real, and I think it's so interesting because The reason why we were doing this episode is because I came across some research again Like I've heard this research in the past, but I came across it again that children who are neurodivergent receive 60 times more negative feedback so out of every 10 interactions six of them are negative about their behavior.

So 60 percent of the time, they're receiving negative feedback about their behavior. 

Lauren Ross: Which is wild to me. 

Samantha Foote: It is wild. And that's why I think a lot of kids suffer from self esteem issues, they're anxious, like all that [00:03:00] stuff. 

Lauren Ross: Depression. 

Samantha Foote: Yeah, depression, because they feel like they're not good enough because they're getting all this feedback saying I'm not good enough.

You need to have better behavior. You need to do this. You need to do that. For example, my son, my eight year old, gets so distracted all the time because his attention is just going everywhere. And so now he's like, I'm sorry, I got distracted. I'm like, you don't have to apologize. It's okay. You got distracted.

I'm just reminding you what we were supposed to be doing. 

Lauren Ross: I think it's hard as humans to focus on the positive sometimes. Most reviews like you're leaving a review because you're upset about something or you know, yeah like that and I think it takes a lot of intent to be positive and to focus on the positives and like to point out the good things that someone is doing yeah, so and you have to be more mindful.

Yeah. Yeah, and I think sometimes like we don't you know we I don't think people realize [00:04:00] that six out of ten of those interactions like that they like didn't know they were, like, maybe hurting that child per say, but they're clearly, you know, seeing it based on, you know, the low self esteem, the anxiety, and all that stuff.

Samantha Foote: Yeah, my eight year old is the most, I can't even remember the word for it, like, introspective, I guess, or observant person. He'll notice when other people are being complimented and how he doesn't get complimented. Or how other people get positive feedback and he gets negative feedback. And he'll tell me examples.

So, the other day, he was wearing his church shoes. At a weird time. And I'm like, and he hates his church shoes. So I'm like, why are you wearing those? And he's like, because I want someone to tell me that I'm handsome. Because everybody tells, everybody tells my sister that she's so pretty, [00:05:00] but no one ever tells me that I'm handsome.

And I think I look handsome. And so, like I said, he is very hyperactive. He gets distracted easily. He is your stereotypical ADHD kid. And most of the time, people are telling him to be quiet. Calm down, stop moving, pay attention, and he doesn't get the positive feedback that his brother and sister get, who, they're a little bit more calm, you know, I mean, they still get more probably negative feedback than their neurotypical peers, but I feel like that kid gets so much negative feedback, and he remembers it, and it, he takes it to heart, so.

Yeah, I am working on giving him, like, more positive feedback, just so he can have that. Cause when he's at school, like, I'm not blaming his teachers, but he gets a lot of negative feedback because he's active and doing all the things, you know? 

Lauren Ross: And I think, I would say, I think [00:06:00] it doesn't have to be, like, grand.

They, they can be, like, small things, like, take the, take the wins, whatever they are, no matter how small it is, it's still They were doing good, or it was positive, let them know. 

Samantha Foote: Yeah, yeah. So we actually have some examples of positive things that you can focus on. So, small victories, like, you did a great job, you know, in your effort.

Don't praise the things that they do. Praise the effort. Like, you worked really hard on that. I see you working hard. So, I told my son, I see that you're trying really hard to remember what I asked you to do. You know? So, praise the effort. Don't encourage the effort, I should say. Don't praise the output, because then they'll be like, oh, I only get positive feedback if I accomplish something.

And then that's the next thing on my list was effort over outcome. So I'm just like saying things. Positive social [00:07:00] interactions. That's another thing. I know a lot of kids struggle with social interactions, so when my daughter goes to the park, she doesn't really play with kids. She doesn't really want to play with other kids or she does want to play with them, but she's very anxious about it. She doesn't quite know what to do and so when she makes the effort to go up to another kid and ask them to play with her.

I'll be like wow You did such a good job trying to play with that kid. You did such a good job, you know doing whatever praising the effort You know and if they're showing kindness or they're sharing or showing empathy, you can be like, Oh, you were so kind to that person. I really appreciate that you were kind to that person.

Maybe when other people weren't or whatever, just those different things. 

Lauren Ross: Yeah. Just being kind to your sister, even when she was mad. [00:08:00] Yeah. Yeah. 

Samantha Foote: I say that to my oldest son and he's like, I wasn't being kind. I was just doing what you're supposed to do. I'm like, okay, because it's like, he's too cool to be kind to his sister, you know,.

Lauren Ross: I think he's got the right idea that kind is just something that you're just supposed to do.

Samantha Foote: Yeah. Yeah. Like just be kind. This morning, this morning I was on a call, it was like a mastermind. And this woman said, I want to teach 8 billion people how to be kind and how to love 8 billion other people. And I'm like, so you just want to show people what they're supposed to be doing anyway. What is the deal?

Anyway, tangent. The other things. That you can focus on with positivity and positive feedback is managing emotions. So highlight moments when they successfully calm down or express their emotions, so I'm working with this girl and she's four years [00:09:00] old. When I first started working with her she would just freak out when something happened that she didn't like and she would start crying and yelling and just very angry. Well now she says I'm grumpy, and then she goes and hides under the table so that was the second thing that she did, but now she actually just says, I'm grumpy, and she waits for me to respond.

And I'm like, I appreciate you telling me that you are grumpy. What can we do about that? And then she'll tell me what to do. And so yeah, that's like if your kid has a hard time expressing their emotions or they have meltdowns all the time because they can't emotionally regulate when they do. That is a big deal.

Yeah. Praise it. Be like, I love how hard you worked calming yourself down. I loved that you made the effort of taking the time to breathe. Instead of hitting your brother, or whatever. [00:10:00] 

Lauren Ross: And again, like, you want to appraise the behaviors that you want to see more often. And so if you're not making comments on them, like, you're not going to see it.

Samantha Foote: Yeah, because especially if kids are looking for, like, a reaction from you or your attention, if you only pay attention to them when they're doing negative things, they're only going to do negative things. If you focus on the negative, then they're going to do the negative things to have your attention.

Lauren Ross: And they don't care if it's negative attention. Attention is attention, no matter which way it goes. 

Samantha Foote: Yeah, if they want your attention, they're gonna get it one way or the other, and they're gonna get it the easiest way possible. So if that's throwing something on the ground and breaking it, rather than managing their emotions, Guess what they're gonna do. 

Lauren Ross: Because you responded to the breaking and not that.

Samantha Foote: Manage their emotions and it's hard sometimes because you just kind of expect kids [00:11:00] to, you know, have positive social interactions, manage their emotions, all that. Like that's just kind of an expectation. And so you don't really think about it when they're just doing that. And so you don't think about it, maybe to encourage them to keep doing it.

But then if they break something, then you have to address it. Because you're like, that's the traditional parenting mindset, I feel like.

Lauren Ross: Yeah. I think it's flawed to have that mindset of like, you expect kids to do this. How do you expect them to do it? Like, this is a reward situation, but like, they expect me to do my job, because I'm getting paid for it.

If you want your kids to be good, on their end, they should get something out of it. So, maybe praise. Like, yes, eventually they learn that it's just like, the right thing to do, but, when they're young, you gotta sweeten the pot a little bit. [00:12:00] 

Samantha Foote: Yeah, yeah, for sure. And so I think when you become a parent, you're just like, oh, my kid will just naturally manage their emotions and know how to do that.

And then you have to learn that, oh, they don't do that. They have to be taught. I mean, adults can't even manage their emotions half the time, so why would you expect a kid? But I don't think when things are going well, I don't think parents are as inclined to really realize that things are going well because they're not stressed.

Yeah. And then when something goes wrong, they get stressed and they have to react. And they vocalize it. Yeah, and then they vocalize it and so then your kid is getting attention for that negative thing and it's a vicious cycle. 

Lauren Ross: So manage your emotions, guys. 

Samantha Foote: So manage it, yes, yes. Go, we have an upcoming episode with a hypnotherapist.

Her name is Kim Gucci. Go listen to that episode when it [00:13:00] comes out. It's going to come out in the next month or two. So I'm just telling you what's ahead. Listen to that episode because she has some good things. And that's what we teach in the Parenting with Confidence program too, to manage your emotions.

So that you can help your child manage their emotions so that you can focus on the positive and everything is better. Um, the next thing that you could focus on, like a positive thing to focus on is independence. So a lot of kids who go through therapy become prompt dependent where they don't do something until they're prompted to do it.

Because that's just how it works in therapy. Like you prompt them to do something, they do the thing, and then you reward them with positive reinforcement. And so a lot of kids get prompt dependent where they're not going to do anything until you like to tell them to do it or. They just think that they can't do it themselves, and so if you [00:14:00] have your kid do something independently and you see that, be like, Oh, thank you so much for throwing your garbage away.

Thank you so much for making your own waffles. Like my kid is learning how to make his own waffles right now, so I don't have to make them every second of the day when he wants them, but thank you so much for putting your plate in. The sync, you know, when they're doing those things independently, focus on that and then they're more likely to do them like we already said.

Yeah. Yeah. So the next thing to talk about is how to implement positive reinforcement and the first thing is to be specific. Mention specific things that you like seeing, like I just said, thank you for putting your plate away. Thank you for wiping the mud off your shoes before you came inside. Thank you for letting me go to the bathroom in peace.

Right? Instead of knocking on the door when you need something. Yeah. [00:15:00] Instead of just saying, good job, you know. You could say, you did a great job organizing your toys. Instead of just saying, good job. Well, why? Like, what did they do good, you know? Yeah. And then the next one is consistency is key. Like we always say, be consistent.

It just creates a pattern of success and encouragement. So when you create a pattern of, when you are consistent, focusing on the positive things, then your kid is probably gonna come to expect that and then they can just keep doing those things that you're focusing on. And then it also teaches your kid to focus on positive things.

So I know a lot of kids. Who just focus on the negative things, like I had a hard day because this happened and this happened and this happened and this happened. I was like, well, what happened that was good? And they were like, what? So if you can teach [00:16:00] your kid to be mindful about the positive things and you share the positive things, then they're more likely to focus on positive things too and not have as many meltdowns, not be so depressed about life, like all those different things.

Because I tell you, like. Some kids I'm like you are like eight years old. Why are you so depressed about life, because they only focus on the negative things, that's why. And so, if you only focus on the negative things, I'd probably be depressed, too. 

Lauren Ross: Right? And again, they probably learned that from somewhere.

Samantha Foote: Yeah, yeah. When you're focusing on the positive, focus on positive things in your life, too. Say something negative happened, but then say, But I'm choosing to focus on this because this is what happened after. Or this is a good thing that came out of this situation. Instead of just focusing on the negative, like, Oh, this happened today.

And my whole day was ruined because this happened. 

Lauren Ross: I think it's a [00:17:00] good, like, you know, when you're like sitting around, I don't know, many people do this anymore, but it's a new day where you're like, as you know, your day, when are like, what was it? Good. Thanks. I think sometimes. We are asking kids questions, but we're not sharing our own.

And so as a parent, this is a really good opportunity. Like, Oh, well, that's really awesome for you. For me today, this was a positive. That's a really good time to kind of model that, I think. 

Samantha Foote: Yeah. Cause once again, How are kids supposed to learn if we don't model it? So we have to model it. And then, you know, you can use visual support.

Like we've said before, visual support is key in helping neurodivergent children understand things. So you can use visual schedules to help reinforce positive behavior. And that also increases independence. So if they have a nighttime routine, give them a visual schedule. And then when they get done with that, be like, I love how you did that independently.

I didn't have to help you at all. So. You could say that, or like, I love how you did the first three things by yourself. [00:18:00] You're being awesome, you know, something like that. And then the last one is immediate reinforcement. So, don't, I mean, you can mention things that your kids did a few days ago, but it's more of an impact, it has more of an impact if you say it right after it happens.

So, if your kid unloads a dishwasher without you asking them to, be like, I loved how you unloaded the dishwasher. By yourself without me asking and then you can mention it like days later if you want to, but if you say it right after then they're in that mind frame, frame of mind to actually remember what they did and receive that positive feedback.

Lauren Ross: Yeah, like associating it with. 

Samantha Foote: Yeah. 

Lauren Ross: The thing they just did. 

Samantha Foote: Yeah, because I've actually mentioned things that my kids have done after they've done it like, but it's been a while and they're like, I didn't do that. And I said, yes, you did. No, I didn't. And then you have an argument about if they did something good or not.

It's [00:19:00] ridiculous. 

Lauren Ross: I feel like my boyfriend does, like, mention stuff. I was like, I love that you did this for me the other day. And he's like, what? 

Samantha Foote: Yeah, yeah. It's so funny. But yeah, my kids will have arguments with me about if they actually did something positive that I'm talking, like, I'm like telling someone else about something positive that they did.

And they're like, I didn't do that. And I'm like, yes, you did. And then I just say, fine, you didn't do it. We'll agree, like, that you didn't do it. You disagree. Yeah, yeah. So, these are just some tips for staying patient and reframing negative situations. So, if a negative thing happens and you want to focus on the positive, but it's hard when things happen, the first recommendation is to take a step back, breathe for a second, and realize how you can respond more thoughtfully rather than reacting out of [00:20:00] frustration.

So, how are you going to come at this situation in a positive way, you know, instead of just yelling or being frustrated? But if you are frustrated, the second step is to practice self compassion and realize that you're not perfect, no one's perfect. So, if you do, focus on the negative for a second. It is what it is, and you move on with life, and then you try to do better next time.

And then the next one is reframing the behavior. Instead of seeing challenging behavior as misbehavior, try to reframe it as a way to interpret your child's behavior as communication. So do they need something? Are they struggling with something? Are they feeling a feeling that's too big for them? Like we say, I think in every single episode of this podcast, behavior is communication.

So when they're doing something, just reframe the [00:21:00] behavior and. Look at it as communication. And then the next one is to break down expectations. So a lot of kids, especially, I feel like kids with ADHD, you ask them to do something and it's too much, it's too big for them. It's too big of a demand. So if you can break down your expectations into smaller steps for them, then, and then you can, you know, like.

Encourage their effort as they're going, then you can give them immediate feedback, a positive feedback, and you're giving them positive reinforcement on the small steps, and so that helps them keep going, rather than saying, oh, go clean your room, and they don't do it, and they're like, why aren't you cleaning your room?

What's wrong with you? I don't think, don't ever say that to a kid, what's wrong with you? And then, instead of saying that, and then them getting frustrated and getting no positive feedback, they're only getting negative feedback, you can say, Hey, go pick up the [00:22:00] Legos off your floor. And be like, Oh, you did such a great job picking up the Legos off your floor.

You really worked hard at that. And then, Okay, now we're going to make your bed. So go make your bed. And then, you worked really hard making your bed. I really appreciate you making your bed. And just, you know, go from there. And then, with that, comes looking for the small wins. So, when they do something small, even if you were expecting them to do something bigger, when they do something small, recognize that.

Be like, you worked so hard doing this. It's like my kids were doing their Valentine's Day cards this week. And, It was a lot for them to write everyone's name and then write their name. It was a very overwhelming task. And so, my son just took like 10 of the 27 things and wrote his name on it. I said I was expecting him to do the whole thing, but it was too overwhelming for him.

So he took 10, I did the rest, and I said, I [00:23:00] really appreciate your effort in writing your name on all these 10 cards. Thank you for helping me instead of just giving negative feedback like why didn't you do all your cards? What's wrong with you? Like I said, don't say that to people. So, but yeah, so that is my spiel on focusing on the positive this week.

Lauren Ross: Love it. 

Samantha Foote: Yeah. I challenge you as parents to focus on the positive. Even if your kid does something negative, try to focus on a positive thing that can come out of it and reframe the negative thing as behavioral communication and them communicating something that they can't verbalize. So, I always come back, it's probably because I sit right next to this wall, but we have a half wall, and I always think of when my son threw a squishmallow through [00:24:00] the opening and knocked over my planter.

And I was so frustrated in that moment, but then I'm like, what is his behavior communicating? It's communicating that he is overstimulated, he needs to move his body, he needs to maybe get outside and do some heavy work. Instead of just being like, what's wrong with you? Why did you break my plant, you know, he was just super excited at the moment and just got a little bit out of control.

And so if you can reframe it like that, then you'll be able to have a better connection with your kid, a better relationship, and they will have, like, better self esteem, less anxiety, all of that. So that is that. So thank you all for listening this week. We really appreciate it. If you want to come to the summit, go to everybrainisdifferent.com and yeah, I encourage you to also get a VIP ticket because the [00:25:00] training, you get 12 20 minute trainings and the recording of the summit. For 27 and the trainings are phenomenal. So, if that interests you, go get them. 

Lauren Ross: And there's a lot of great guests there. 

Samantha Foote: Yes. I'm super excited for the guests. So, have a good week and we'll see you in another episode.

Lauren Ross: Thank you for listening to this episode. We hope the discussion on neurodiversity has provided you with some insight. support, understanding, and inspiration. If you found our podcast valuable, please share it with others who may benefit from our insights and leave us a rating and review on Apple Podcasts.

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