80 - How to Set Boundaries Without the Meltdowns

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TRANSCRIPT

 This podcast is for parents like you, navigating the world of neurodiversity with love and compassion. I'm a neurodivergent mother of three amazing neurodivergent children and a board certified music therapist. Our mission is to create a supportive space where you feel understood, connected, and inspired.

With practical tips, strategies, and resources, we'll help you and your child thrive in your unique way. Join us as we dive deep into the diverse world of neurodivergent individuals, exploring topics like ADHD. Autism, dyslexia, sensory processing challenges, and more. We'll cover it all to empower, educate, and uplift both neurodivergent individuals and those who walk alongside them.

Together, we'll create a world where every brain is valued and celebrated. We're excited to embark on this enlightening journey with you. We are your hosts, Samantha Foote and Lauren Ross, and this is the Every Brain is Different podcast.

Welcome to the Every Brain is Different podcast. It is Lauren and I with you today. We are going to get started talking about boundaries more. We talked about it in January. We said we continue talking about it because I made the outline way too long for January's episode. So we're continuing in February.

Boundaries are important. You know what someone was talking to me about? They were like. Is this, I was talking to them about the episode in January, and she said she was having a hard time with Boundaries with her son, who is old enough to listen to the podcast and understand what's going on. If your kid is having trouble with Boundaries, you might want to listen to these episodes with your kid.

And then they will be able to understand boundaries more and understand what they are and why you're doing what you're doing instead of just being like, well, you don't know what you're talking about. So I will report back after they listen to the episode together and see what happens. Cause she was just like, my son is really pushing boundaries.

And I'm like, and I just thought of this right now. Like maybe he doesn't understand what boundaries are. Maybe he's viewing them as punishments, which they're not, and we're going to talk about. But yeah, so today might be part of it. Yeah, exactly. Or that they're just rules, like boundaries are just rules, which we talked about that in the previous episode, that they're not rules.

There's a difference between the two. And so today we're going to talk about strategies for setting up effective boundaries and boundaries versus punishment. What's the difference? How are they the same? Well, they're not the same, but we're going to talk about the differences. Yeah, maybe a little bit. I don't know.

We'll see what happens. Okay, what are some strategies for setting effective boundaries? The first thing, and I always say this, lead with empathy. Lead with kindness. Kindness. and firmness, but err on the side of kindness. You, you can acknowledge your child's unique needs and triggers, like you know your child, you know what they need, do some detective work if you don't know their triggers, and then really validate their feelings.

You can say, I know it's hard to stop playing when you're so focused, but this is You know, the boundary that I have, we need to stop playing the game or whatever you're playing. And yeah, and just lead with that and validate their feelings. I think with empathy, it's just taking a pause and really evaluating what emotion they are.

And then also, if you have to like, Hey, I know that you're really happy playing this game, blah, blah, blah. Acknowledge the now emotion and then acknowledge what that emotion might be if it's something they have to stop. And really just validating those for sure. Yeah, I've noticed, I have been working really hard to validate my kids emotions.

And it actually does help the situation. I know that a lot of parents might think, well, oh, I'm just giving in to my kid when I say, Hey, You're sad or whatever, and you can validate their emotion and then still hold the boundary. Yeah. So it's not just, Oh, you're sad. So I'm going to let you keep playing. No, I can see you're disappointed, but this is what I told you was going to happen and make sure you're setting up those expectations prior to when they do stuff.

So they're not surprised. For example, if you let your kid play the Xbox for 10 minutes, then. Tell them that before they start playing say we only have time for you to play for 10 minutes and then when Obviously, they're gonna be upset when you say it's time to put the Xbox away And so you can say I told you this before I understand you're disappointed But we need to hold to what we said was going to happen and the next strategy that we have So we have five strategies in case you're wondering The next one is use clear and consistent communication.

So once again, going back to that, what we just said, like in the Xbox situation, you can use a visual schedule. You can use social stories for kids. You can use whatever works for them. So that they understand this is what's happening. I've noticed that, especially with my kids and the kids that I work with, as long as you're clear in what you're expecting out of them, they're going to do what you ask them to do.

It's when you're not clear that they're like, Oh, what's the expectation here? If they understand why you're doing what you're doing, and what they're expected to do, it usually goes better. Clear and specific. Short and sweet. Yeah. Avoid Abstract or vague terms because they will whip those around so fast into what they think it means and you can say something and they'll be like, Oh yeah, I totally understand that.

And it's not at all what you, you were meaning. So when I say like, I will do that in one minute. My son will set a timer for one minute when really it's like a figure of speech like, Oh, give me a minute. Like you're not doing an exact minute. But when that timer goes off, he's like, Mom, it's been a minute.

And I have to honor that because I said, I will do that in a minute. And so now I say a few minutes,

don't do that. I think it's really important to like all scenarios, be prepared to honor what you're saying. Yeah. Don't say it. Yeah, if you, like, do a yes or no situation, be prepared to honor the no. Don't ask, do you want to clean your room? Because if they say no, you're going to have to honor that, but you can say, Do you want to clean your room before dinner or after dinner?

And that's something you can live with. So yes, use clear and consistent communication. The next one is focus on collaboration. You can involve your child in creating boundaries. For example, what would help you remember to take a break when they're upset? So you have the boundary that When you're upset, the kid is not allowed to destroy the house or destroy whatever, or break something.

They need to take a break. But you don't want to be the one reminding them to take a break because that sometimes just makes the kid angrier because they're like you're getting in my space and then we talk too much and it's just a whole thing. So you can ask them, what do we need to do to help you take a break?

What could remind you to do that? And then you can do that when you see that they're getting escalated or something. It's, it's always so important to let them have a voice and things that are affecting them and to collaborate with them. It also gives them a sense of control, which is huge, even if it's just an illusion, an illusion of control.

It's, it's just so important and empowering for them that they are a part of. Yeah, I think a lot of times parents forget what it's like to be a kid and have to live by someone else's schedule and someone else's everything and you're just expected to go along with it. So this is for like neurotypical kids too.

If you're just. If you never know what's going to happen, and you're just expected to go along with things. Yes, I have my weekly schedule in my brain, and I have my kids weekly schedule in my brain. They have no concept of, well, they do have a concept of days of the week, but they don't know when the days are.

Like, they, they don't know that a week from now we're going to do the same thing that we always do. And so, if you can involve them in that, that Yes, it takes away their, when you involve them, it helps and empowers them, just like you said. Okay. The next one is pick your battles. We say this, especially when you're raising a kid with pathological demand avoidance or pervasive drive for autonomy, which is what the PDA ers want it to be called, prioritize boundaries that affect safety or well being first.

And then flexibility is okay. If it's not a safety issue, if it's not a well being issue, you can have flexibility. And even within that, you can have flexibility. For example, my son, obviously he has to shower. Does he have to shower on Sunday mornings? For some reason, he hates showering on Sunday mornings.

But I always forget to have him shower on Saturday night. That's on me. That's a you problem, Sam. He has barely, very clearly stated, I do not want to shower on Sunday mornings. I don't know what it is. It's something about wearing church clothes. He doesn't like putting on church clothes after he gets out of the shower.

I don't know why, but he has very clearly stated that. So, if I forget to remind him to shower on Saturday night, that is on me, and he is not having to shower on Sunday morning because he has very clearly told me, I do not want to shower. And I'm not going to pick that battle. I'm not going to be like, But I forgot, or we got home late, or whatever.

No. That's not even up for discussion. And I think especially, he doesn't have this problem any other day. Like he's not defiant to taking a shower. She's specifically for reasons known to him, Sunday is not there. Sunday morning is not day to shower and that's okay. Yeah. And that's a battle that I do not have to pick.

Like there, there are so many other days of the week that he can shower and he'll shower Sunday night. He just won't shower Sunday morning. So that's, that's just something like. We can have flexibility. Where, do I have flexibility in letting him run into the street? Absolutely not. That is a hard pass. And I I heard this term non negotiables and negotiable, and you can tell your kids, this is my list of non negotiables.

We are not talking about any of these things. This is why I have it the way I have it, and it's not up for discussion. It's up for discussion for you to understand why I'm doing what I'm doing, but it's not up for discussion that this is going to happen. Looking both ways before you cross the street. Not up for discussion because I don't want you to die.

And, or cutting your food up into manageable chunks so you don't choke or something like that. I know a lot of kids have the sensory thing where they have to, they don't realize their mouth is full until it's like completely full. But that's a choking hazard, so how can we work on that? But yeah, danger.

and well being, like safety, safety issues and well being issues. Prioritize those first, and then you can work on the other ones. It's fine. You don't have to throw everything at them at the same time. And as they get older, they can handle more boundaries too. Like you're not going to tell your two year old, leave me alone.

Don't touch me. I can't handle you right now. They're probably not, but you can, but they're not going to understand. You can, but you're just going to get frustrated. Where if you have a 10 year old, they are more. able to be like, okay, I'm not going to be in your space right now. They're able to handle that.

So just think of your child's age, think of their development, where they're at, what they can handle, and you know what they can handle. And if you don't know, ask me, and I will help you figure it out. Send me a message. It's fine. Yes. Pick your battles. The next one is model the behavior you want to see.

For example, With my son. He has a boundary. I do not shower on Sunday mornings. I respect that. I'm going to respect that. I am showing him that I can respect his boundaries and he can respect my boundaries. I don't know what it would prove to show your kids I'm not gonna respect your boundaries, but I want you to respect my boundaries.

That is authoritarian parenting and we don't role like that in here. They're also going to lose trust in you. Yeah, exactly. They're like, why, or it's just going to cause more issues because I know my son, he would be like, well, why do I have to do what you say but you don't have to do what I ask when there's not a reason for you not to do what I ask.

So, yeah, just model the behavior you want to see. And if there's a reason why you can't respect their boundaries, Tell them, tell them, this is why. Use clear and consistent communication, clear and concise communication. That's what I meant to say. And just let them know why. Be like, this isn't going to work because of this reason.

And they'll, they're much more likely to be like, oh, okay, I didn't know that. And once they get the reason, then they'll be a little more able to handle it. So, strategies for setting effective boundaries. Start with empathy. Use clear and consistent communication, focus on collaboration, pick your battles, and model the behavior you want to see.

And report back and let us know how it goes. The next thing we're going to talk about is boundaries versus punishments. And I love this saying, it says, Boundaries are proactive, punishments are reactive. And this is what I've seen, like, whenever someone does a punishment, it's not like, Oh, I'm going to think about what I'm going to do.

And then I'm going to do it when the punishment has no, it's not a consequence, it is literally a punishment. If you spank your kid, that is just a reaction that you're doing. You're reacting to what they did to you. So boundaries are for teaching rather than controlling. For example, if your kid is.

Throwing toys. You can take the toys away and say if you throw your toy, I'll take it for now because it's not safe. That's a boundary. If you just take all the toys away and you say you're never going to see your toys again because you're being naughty, that's a punishment. You're reacting in the moment.

But if you tell them why and you already have that expectation, we don't throw toys, you say I'm just going to take it until we can be safe because my boundary is you need to be safe with your toys. Yes. The next thing is how to handle pushback. This one is really, really hard because I know when my kid gets escalated and pushes back on my boundaries, even if they're just asking why, why, why, all that, there comes a time when you, you don't want them to ask why.

You just want them to do what you're asking them to do. And it's really hard for me when my kids continually ask why. But why is not a bad thing. If they're asking why, they're just trying to understand, and that's okay. And when they are pushing against your boundaries, the first thing to do, lead with empathy, lead with kindness, stay calm and neutral, and regulate your emotions first.

So do whatever you need to do to regulate your emotions. And then reiterate the boundary. I understand you're upset, but I'm taking your toy. because you're being unsafe. I will give it back to you when you are being safe. And just reiterate the boundary. And then you can offer choices. So if your kid is being unsafe with the toy, do you need to take a break?

Do you want to scream into a pillow? Do you want to run around the house outside? I'm just thinking of things that my kids have done when they are upset. Um, and just lead with that kindness and kindness. Empower your child to solve their problem and then just reiterate the boundary until they're able to come back to where they need to be.

I think with that, if you are taking away something because they did that, just, you can't just say no, you have to tell them what they can do. So again, I am taking this away because you are being safe. In the meantime, give them those, those options. Do you want to run outside? Do you need to scream into the pillow?

Whatever it is. But it is important to give them those alternatives. Yes. Because then they're just going to keep finding things to be naughty with or whatever. So tell them what they can do, not what they can't do. Yes. Because if you tell them what they can't do, that's the only thing that's going to be in their brain.

It's like when they say, don't think of a pink elephant. Well, now you're just going to think of a pink elephant. So tell them what they can do. Give them ideas. And then they will just transition in that activity. Usually they'll get distracted and go into the new activity, unless you're my kids, and then you're just stubborn and yeah, this is not 100%.

Yeah, yeah, definitely strategies. To try, and you may be successful in some areas and maybe not others. And that's okay. And you might have to like really work with your kid. So if my kid is having a meltdown and I'm like, you need to go do this, but I don't go with him to do it. He's not going to do it.

He's just going to continue to have the meltdown and he's going to continue to cry. But if I go up to him and say, I understand you're upset, let's go play a game. Because he really likes games or let's go do whatever. Let's go get all your stuffed animals. He likes to get all his stuffed animals and then sit on the couch with them like covering him while I hold him and so that's a great thing to do but you're gonna have to Spend time with your kid to help them.

I'm not saying you don't spend time with your kid, but like, you can't just be like, go do this and then you don't just brush them aside. Yeah. Yeah. And if you are looking for ways to deescalate your child, there's a really fun game. It's by Diane Alber and it's like. The spot, like angry spot or something, and it's just a game that they have a book that talks about how the angry spot wants to calm down and they use a peaceful spot to help them and then they, they like have this big raging fire behind the spot and then as they go throughout the book then they're able to calm down because they're using peaceful spot and the peaceful spot helps them calm down.

But the game is You have the red angry spot and you pass it back and forth or around a circle if you have a group and then Whoever it lands on, the person next to them gets to draw a card, and every card is something that you can do to calm down. So you can take deep breaths. They have yoga positions you can do.

They have different things for you to look at, like art that you can look at. They have different things for you to draw. So it just teaches your kid all these different things that they can do to calm down. My clients and my kids Love that game. It's for like ages 4 to 12, I would say, or 4 to really like 4 to 9.

But you might get away with using it with the older kids. Some of the older kids are like, this is dumb and I'm not doing this. Some of them really like it. And that's fine. That's fine. It just depends on what your kid likes. But if you're looking for a way to teach those skills, that's a really good way that I found where it's a game.

But you're really teaching those skills too. So then at the end of the game, I'd be like, okay, so what skill or what thing that we did today, will you use this week to calm down? We did this, we did this, we did this. Which one do you want to focus on? Which one do you want to use? And they'll be like, Oh, I'm going to use drawing or I'm going to use doing star breathing or whatever.

So if you're looking for a fun game and no. She did not sponsor this. I just really, really like the game. I wish she would sponsor this. That'd be cool. But, so, boundaries for parents. So, when your kid has escalated, You can set limits on your availability and energy so you can say I'm here to help you But I need to step away for a couple minutes for my own regulation and that's okay You can say that as long as your child is being safe You can say no to external pressures or societal expectations Like we talked about in the last episode or in the last solo episode it's really hard, but you just have to learn to do it and The last recommendation to learn how to do that is to seek support.

You can have your partner, if you have a parenting partner, a friend, a therapist, a coach. You can contact me because I do consultations. And you can also go on Facebook groups. I know in Idaho, the Idaho Autism Mom page is Phenomenal. So just find support. You can say, and if it's a Facebook page, you can say, what do you do when you get these judgments from other people?

Give me some ideas of how I can handle it. But just find some support. Find someone that you can rely on. Find a group. Find your people because that is so important. Some key reminders from last episode and this episode are boundaries are a form of love and respect, and it's okay to adjust and learn as you go.

You don't have to be perfect at it the first time. You can be flexible, you can change your boundaries. If something isn't working, you can change it. And I would just like to invite you to think about one boundary that you can start working on today. I recommend that maybe you do something around self regulation so that you can feel like your best self.

And if setting boundaries feels like a constant battle or you're craving more peace and connection in your home, then you won't want to miss our virtual Neurodiversity and Harmony Summit coming up on March 7th. We are actually having someone Come and talk specifically about Boundaries. The Summit is free.

There is a VIP upgrade if you want that. That just gets you access to more trainings that we're doing not live. They're just in the vault and you can watch them whenever. It also gets you the recordings from the Summit. But the summit is free. You can come. You can hear all the speakers. You can go inside the breakout rooms.

Get your questions answered. All of that. If boundaries. are hard for you, then come check out the summit at everybrainisdifferent. com. I hope, well we hope, that you all have a great week. Thanks, guys. Thank you for listening to this episode. We hope the discussion on neurodiversity has provided you with support, understanding, and inspiration.

If you found our podcast valuable, please share it with others who may benefit from our insights and leave us a rating and review on Apple Podcasts. Hit the follow button and let's keep exploring the fascinating world of neurodiversity. Click the link in our show notes to visit our website for a free download of three tips for a stronger relationship with your child.