76 - Navigating Boundaries While Raising Neurodivergent Kids

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Website: www.everybrainisdifferent.com

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TRANSCRIPT

This podcast is for parents like you, navigating the world of neurodiversity with love and compassion. I'm a neurodivergent mother of three amazing neurodivergent children and a board certified music therapist. Our mission is to create a supportive space where you feel understood, connected, and inspired.

With practical tips, strategies, and resources, we'll help you and your child thrive in your unique way. Join us as we dive deep into the diverse world of neurodivergent individuals exploring topics like ADHD, autism, dyslexia, sensory processing challenges, and more. We'll cover it all to empower, educate, and uplift both neurodivergent individuals and those who walk alongside them.

Together, we'll create a world where every brain is valued and celebrated. We're excited to embark on this enlightening journey with you. We are your hosts, Samantha Futt and Lauren Ross, and this is the Every Brain is Different podcast.

Welcome to the Every Brain is Different podcast and Happy New Year, I hope. Your Christmas and New Year's and everything was fantastic. I just have a funny story. My husband gave me a mandolin slicer. And I was like, What in the world? Because I hate sharp objects. I hate them. And he was like, Oh, I thought you said you wanted a mandolin.

And I'm like, No, I wanted a mandolin like, INSTRUMENT! And he said, Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I misunderstood and then he hands me this huge box for the next present that he gave me and I was like what in the world is this and I open it and inside the big box is a little box Well a smaller box. It was shaped like a guitar and I was like This is my mandolin and it was, he was playing a trick on me.

It was so funny. So he does stuff like that all the time and it just cracks me up. But that was like the highlight of my Christmas because actually I do like the mandolin slicer. It's just a weird present to give me on Christmas, like me personally, it would be a weird present to give me personally on Christmas because of my OCD.

So yes. What I asked him for advice and he told me about the mandolins. I was like, I wonder, I was like, she must have asked for that and he's given her the other one as a joke. And I'm glad that it was indeed. Yeah. Yeah. He was like, I was trying to find other things that were also called a mandolin, but I couldn't find anything.

So it cracked me up. But yes. So today We are talking about boundaries while raising your neurodivergent kids. And when I first started thinking about this, I was thinking about boundaries with other people. So boundaries with extended family. And we can definitely talk about that at a later time. But then I was looking at stuff and it kept coming up with boundaries related to your neurodivergent kid and how to have boundaries with your kid.

And I was like, Ooh, that is something that I need help with. So we're going to talk about it. The first thing we're going to talk about is what are boundaries and why are they important? People think boundaries are often rules, but they're, they're two different things. Boundaries are emotional, physical, and behavioral limits.

And rules are specific directives or guidelines that dictate expected behaviors or actions. Rules are kind of for everybody. And they're enforced throughout your whole household. So the purpose of rules is to establish order and structure, often focusing on external compliance. So they're generally inflexible and they apply equally to everyone involved.

They're usually enforced by a person in authority, so a parent or a teacher. You have classroom rules, you have house rules, and consequences are typically predetermined and apply if the rule is broken. So some rules in our house is at seven o'clock. We take our medication and get ready for bed. That is a rule that we have.

If we're out and about, then that rule is flexible. But in your house, you might have no screens after 8 PM or you have to finish your homework before playing outside, which I don't agree with that rule at all. If your kids, I don't know why I just said that, because if your kids come home from school and they have been in school all day long.

And then you say, you can't go play outside till you get your homework done. That is just asking for a sensory overwhelm meltdown. So let your kids go play outside, give them a break. Don't make that a rule in your house. I don't know why I just said that, but don't do that. Let them play outside and then have a break.

Get some food, get a snack, and then do their homework. I agree. Yeah, for sure. So that was a terrible example. But a rule might be. You have to read 20 minutes every day before you go to sleep, or something, like you have to read 20 minutes during the day. That might be a rule in your house. It doesn't matter when it happens, but you have to read for 20 minutes.

A boundary is more personal. So boundaries are like things that you place on other people for yourself. So, it protects your emotional, physical, or mental well being. And the point of a boundary is to foster mutual respect and ensure healthy relationships, focusing on individual needs and autonomy. So, some characteristics of boundaries include flexible and often, um, dependent on the context or individual.

So, I won't have the same boundaries that Lauren has. Obviously, we're two different people. More about communicating needs rather than dictating behavior. It's not about someone complying with the rule. It's not about someone complying with what you want them to do. It's more about this is what you'll put up with.

This is what you will expect. Yeah. And it's enforced by the person setting the boundary, not as an external rule. So this isn't a rule that's enforced. It's just For everyone in the house. This is a boundary between yourself and another person. And some examples of this that I've done is I've told my kids, I need 10 minutes to be alone.

Please don't interrupt me. I need 10 minutes just to be alone because I am getting overwhelmed. Or if you throw that toy at me, I will take the toy because it's harm It may harm me. It may harm you. It's a safety concern. So that's a boundary. You're putting it in place to protect your emotional, mental, and physical well being.

The differences between rules and boundaries, like we've said before, just to reiterate, is rules are compliance and external behavior based. We really want the compliance. They're not, they're not really flexible. They're typically rigid and universal. Classrooms have classroom rules, like no talking when the teacher's talking, because if everyone was talking while the teacher was talking, that's chaos.

But it's universally applied, so it doesn't matter who talks. You're going to get a consequence based on That rule that you break. Yeah, that you've broken. Yeah, for sure. Uh, and, boundaries are context dependent and adaptable. You might not have a rule that every day you come home and you need ten minutes to decompress.

That might not be a rule in your house, but on days that you need to do that, the boundary that you set in place is you tell your kids, I need ten minutes to decompress. Please don't come in and knock on the door and bother me. Well, I'm just having alone time for a few minutes. And then, yeah, the point of rules is just to maintain order and consistency.

And once again, to the point of boundaries is to protect your emotional and mental and physical well being. And it also protects the relationship. You have the boundaries. If you have a boundary in place, you're not going to feel. Like, someone is taking advantage of you, you're not going to feel those kind of negative feelings toward that person because you have the boundaries in place and you can protect that relationship.

So just a little bit more, rules are often applied to groups like families or classrooms, and boundaries are more personal and reflect individual needs. For example, for neurodivergent kids, blending rules with boundaries can be crucial. So, for example, the rule might be dinner is at 6 p. m. every night.

That's the rule. But you can tell your kid, if you're not hungry at 6 p. m. because they might not be, let me know and we can save your plate. That's the flexibility of the boundary. They still have to eat dinner, but they don't have to eat it right at 6 p. m. Yeah, I think that's really great to have. This is the rule.

But also, again, because we all respond to things and maybe we're not hungry at six or whenever to have that flexibility with the boundaries, understand you may not be hungry at six. So we'll save your plate but like that is dinner and that's what you're going to be eating. Yeah, yeah. It's that flexibility part with the two combined.

Yeah, so I think especially with neurodivergent kids, we have to be flexible because every kid has a unique sensory, emotional, or behavioral profile. They have different needs for those different things. And my nephew, if you don't feed him dinner every night at 5 PM, he loses, he loses it. Because he goes by the clock, dinner is at 5 p.

m. every night. And so that is what he needs. But, like, my kids, for example, they don't care what time it is. When they're hungry, they want food. And if they're not hungry, they're not going to eat. And they're more intuitive, I guess. They just eat when they are hungry, and they don't eat when they're not hungry.

But there's a lot of people, my cousin too, if it's noon, We are eating lunch. It does not matter if you're hungry. We are eating lunch at noon. And just to be flexible with that because they, a lot of neurodivergent kids create rules in their mind that this is what has to happen. And it gives them that feeling of safety and protection when those are followed.

And so just being aware of that and being flexible with that. And then if They want to eat dinner at 5 p. m. every night, and you're not going to be able to eat dinner at 5 p. m.? Tell them that in advance, so they're not having a meltdown because dinner is not served at 5, but maybe you're going to grandma's house at 6, and so you can tell them in advance, Hey, this is happening.

I know this isn't what you expected, but We're going to go to grandma's house, so we need to be a little bit flexible and help them with that. So maybe be a little bit more prepared and say, you know, we typically eat at five, but we're going to grandma's, but here's the fruit snack to hold you over until we get there.

Or give them a little something, something. Oh, yeah, for sure. Don't just make them starve until then. That's a good point. Thank you. But yeah, the benefits of clear boundaries, like we've said, it builds trust between two people because they know the boundary, they know what's to be expected, and it supports independence and self regulation.

If you show your kid boundaries for yourself, then they will be able to do boundaries for themselves. If they start getting wound up, like, they're going to have a meltdown. My nephew was so good at this when he was a kid. He's like in his 20s now. I don't know what he does now for it, but he would tell his mom, I need to be alone.

I can't be around my brother and sister right now. I need to go be alone. And that was because His parents taught him that his boundaries would be respected, and if your kid comes up with boundaries, respect them, if at all possible. If it's, I need to be alone and we're in the middle of a store right now and you're five years old, well, you're not going to be able to be alone right then.

But get them to a place where they can be alone to respect their boundaries. I think with boundaries too is that it's very empowering. It's a way to kind of share the power with your child as well, and I think that's really key. Important to, to have that, that feeling of empowerment and that you have a voice and a say, and that it will be respected is really big.

Um, and so I love encouraging your child to set boundaries for themselves and following through with them and having you as a parent, respecting them as well. I just think it's really empowering and that's needed sometimes. Yeah, for sure. And teaching them to advocate for themselves. I know a lot of people with disabilities, they are not taken seriously.

They, when they advocate for themselves, they are put down and be like, Oh, we don't need to do that, or you don't know what you're talking about. And I'm talking more about adults when they get older. Um, I've heard of things, they're in a group home, and they say, I need this, and they're like, The people that are helping them are like, no, you don't need that.

You don't know what you're talking about. They're a person too. They know what they need, so respect them. I heard this, did you tell me this story? I don't know where I heard this story from, but this woman. They wrote it down every time she swore in her own home and I'm like, she should be able to swear in her own home.

That's ridiculous, but they had to document it every time she swore and so she would swear at the most inconvenient times because she wanted them to be inconvenienced and have to document it at the worst time possible. So then they asked her, they're like, are you doing this on purpose? And she said, yes.

Absolutely. At this point. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She was absolutely doing it on purpose because they weren't respecting her boundary. They were in her home. She was swearing in her home. It wasn't like out in public. And I mean, people swear in public all the time. I don't know why it's such a big deal. If a person with a disability is swearing, they're like, Oh, you can't do that.

Why? She's an adult. We don't wanna encourage it, but also we're not punishing them for it either. Yeah. Yeah. They're an adult. That's their home. Swear away. . Yeah, yeah, exactly. That was her boundary. I should be able to swear in my own home, and they had a huge problem with that. Then she just made it. Their life's difficult because they wouldn't let her

Well, compliance. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It just made me laugh. But also it brings up an important point that adults. And kids need to feel that autonomy. They need to feel like they're in charge of themselves and not like everyone is just able to walk all over them because they have a disability, some things that some common challenges that parents face when they are.

Enforcing a boundary, and I totally understand this, is the fear of triggering a meltdown or shutdown, and this is the number one reason why I don't enforce my boundaries at times, because I don't want my kid to have a meltdown, I don't want them to just shut down and not do anything, and That is one of the main reasons why I don't enforce my boundaries.

Why it happens, though, is that neurodivergent brains process information differently, and unexpected limits can feel like an attack on their autonomy or safety. Transitions or sudden changes tied to boundaries can trigger these responses, so if they're not used to your boundary, Then they might, it might trigger a meltdown or a shutdown, but the way that we can address that is to be proactive and use communication.

So at the beginning of the day, you go off to work and you can tell your kids, when I come home, I'm going to need 10 minutes to decompress. And just tell them in advance so that they're not expecting you to be available as soon as you walk in the door. And if you are available when you first walk in the door, that's great.

That's awesome. But there's also the expectation that you've set in place that you're going to take a break. Another way to do it is create predictability. Like we've said before, is to create visual schedules, social stories, or routines to make boundaries easier to process. A boundary that you might have is.

When you're crossing the road, your child has to hold your hand or stay near you. It's flexible. They can choose either one, but for their safety, they have to hold your hand or be near you. So you can read social stories about that. You can create a visual, like, schedule, like, we're going to get out of the car, and then we're going to cross the street, and when we cross the street, you're going to hold my hand or stay close to me.

Or you can practice it. Like, I've done songs with kids. I made up this song with a kid and it was like, when we go in the parking lot, we hold hands and stop. When we go in the parking lot, we hold hands and stop. And then we look both ways. And so I practice that with him in the center. I sing the song with him in the center.

And then we actually walked outside and practice that. And so that's another way. That you can help establish your boundaries is just by practicing them when it's not in the heat of the moment, not when you're actually crossing the street, but you need to practice it. So I was just kind of to add on to that, especially for if you're afraid of triggering a meltdown or a shutdown, especially in a public place, practicing those boundaries in a safer place or in the home and addressing issues as it happens so that when it does.

Thanks. In a more out in the wild sort of an effort. It's not, like you as a parent will be as fearful as addressing that boundary. Modeling and practicing in like a safe space and then modeling and practicing in the actual space that these things might come up with can be. helpful. Yeah, for sure. That's what I do a lot with my clients is we practice, practice, practice.

So when they're out in the wild, that they can just be able to do it because they practice it so much. And then if, if your child does have a meltdown or shutdown, just practice co regulation. You can stay calm, stay grounded when a meltdown happens and validate their feelings without compromising the boundary.

So you can say, I see you're really upset. It's hard to stop something fun. Let's take a deep breath together. For example, if you told them to shut off the Xbox or something like that. I know you're upset. I can see that. It's time to shut it off. So you're not giving in to, you're not excluding the boundary.

You're holding the boundary, but you're also validating their feelings that it's hard for them. And you understand that. Yeah, we talk about that. Validate the emotion, the feeling without validating sometimes the action or that might come with those. Specifically like negative feelings. And so you're still addressing it, but respecting and having that empathy of how they're genuinely feeling in that moment.

So it's, it's good. It's important to do that. Yeah, for sure. I know when I validate my kids feelings, it kind of like shocks them back into coming back to reality. I like to say, so when they're having a meltdown. They're not in their right mind. And so if I say, I know you're upset, I understand you're upset.

Just that validation kind of brings them back. And I'll be like, yes, I am. Yeah, exactly. I mean, it doesn't do it all the time, but if I more than off more than not, it does. And so that's one way to help them come back and help them co regulate with you validating their emotions. The next reason why you might have a hard time with boundaries is because boundaries are constantly being tested.

And this is totally normal for kids. Even neurotypical kids test boundaries all the time. And so it's just a part of growing up and trying to gain your independence is pushing those boundaries. But with neurodivergent kids, they have a difficult time with impulse control, executive functioning, or understanding abstract concepts, which can make Boundaries harder.

If you say I need a few minutes, I'm on the phone. Please don't talk to me. Hold on a minute. I know when I need to talk to someone, I feel like I'm going to explode if I don't say it. And if you are a young child. And you have to tell your mom something right then, that might be hard. They have to learn that they can't just talk whenever they want to, but having that understanding that they're pushing the boundary because they feel like they're going to explode if they don't get it out.

They might forget what they're saying. And so just having that understanding I think goes a long way. They might also be seeking connection or clarity, especially if boundaries aren't clear or consistent. So if you have a boundary that, like, you do sometimes, but not all the time, they might be like, Well, is this when we're enforcing the boundary?

Or is this okay that I don't do what she's asking me to do? Or it's just not clear for them. And so that might be a reason why they're testing the boundaries, is because they don't know if the boundary is actually going to be enforced. So the way we can address that is to stay consistent, um, repeatedly and calmly reinforce the same boundary, and don't confuse your kids with inconsistency.

So for an example is, I know you want more screen time, but the tablet goes off at 7 p. m. Like, that's just what we're doing. So that's more of a rule than a boundary. But it's the same concept, just stay consistent. If you have a rule that things go off at 7pm, then don't let them go past 7pm. And I think with that, that's the rule, but the boundary aspect of it is, okay, the tablets have to go off, but we can still read for a little bit, or we can do this for a little bit.

That's kind of. The boundary aspect of that rule. So it's not yes, these are going off, but there are other these other things can happen. Yeah, or maybe you have a movie night. Yeah, for sure. Maybe you're having a movie night that night. Maybe you're doing other things, but the tablets go off at 7 p. m. Nice work bringing that into it.

And the next thing to address. Pushing boundaries is looking for unmet needs. So boundary pushing can be a signal that your child is hungry, tired, overstimulated, or just seeking connection with you. So if you have a boundary that your kids can't ask for snacks an hour before. Maybe that needs to be a little flexible because they're starving, and then they're gonna get angry, and so you can give them a snack or something like that.

Just having flexibility. If they didn't eat lunch that day, or they didn't eat a big lunch that day, or whatever, or they were playing and they forgot to eat before that hour, just look for unmet needs so it doesn't cause a meltdown or a shutdown or anything like that. And you can still hold the boundary without Completely being inflexible and so without giving in to yeah, so maybe you say, well, you can't have the candy cane that you want an hour before dinner, but you can have an apple or you can have a cucumber or whatever and then use natural consequences if they break the boundaries.

If you have a boundary in place that. You take the toy if they're throwing it, but they throw it and they break a pot. Well, then it's their job to clean it up, and maybe it's their job to replace the pot. Maybe they have to do chores or earn money somehow to replace the pot that they broke. It helps them understand their actions rather than just saying, you broke the pot, you go stick your nose in the corner for 30 minutes.

That would be a long time, don't you? But helping them understand, like, you broke the pot, so now we have to clean it up and we have to replace the pot, so this is what we're going to do to replace it. And adding that you broke it by doing, you made the choice to throw this at it. Yeah. The consequence was this happening.

And now for you, you have to clean it up. You may have to buy a new one. Really explaining. And the natural consequences of those actions, even in explaining beforehand and then, or whether it's a positive or a negative consequence is always going to be helpful, especially in making good choices. Yeah, for sure.

thing that we're going to talk about, like, why boundaries might be hard to enforce is dealing with societal judgment and pressure. This is another one that just really, really gets me, especially, like, family pressure. So I'm super flexible with my boundaries, um, well not super flexible, but I can be flexible with my boundaries until I'm around certain family members or certain friends and they're like, why are you letting your kid do that?

And I'm like, well. And I have to justify to them. Why I'm doing it and you shouldn't have to justify your parenting to anybody and for example on Christmas on Christmas Eve we had clam chowder and Potato soup to eat my kids aren't gonna eat that no way are they going to eat that? I'm not yeah and So, I had, I let them have bacon that was for the potato soup, and I let them have cheese that was for the potato soup, and I let them have rolls.

And some people were like, why are you letting them have the toppings for the soup and not eating the soup? That's ridiculous. They should have to try the soup to have the toppings. I'm like, no, they're not going to eat that, and they don't have to. They've tried it in the past. They clearly don't like it.

I'm not going to ruin Christmas Eve to make them try food. Yeah. And so the boundary, the boundary that we have in place though is that our kids will try food that we put in front of them. They don't have to eat it all. They just have to try it. But I relax that on holidays because I don't want there to be like a huge meltdown or a huge just problem.

On a holiday when kids are already overstimulated, this is why I relax it because kids are already overstimulated. They're not doing their routines. They're already kind of on the edge of a breakdown because of schedules are wonky. They're not in school. They've everything is unpredictable. And so I relax that boundary of making them eat their food so it doesn't push them over the edge into complete chaos.

It's not that I'm scared of a meltdown or whatever, but I just want to protect their mental and emotional well being because they've already experienced so many different things than they normally experience that day and it's so chaotic around family members and everything that I just don't make them eat it.

But on a typical day, when they are well regulated, Then they have to try their food. So, you can have a go to response to address this. Prepare phrases to deflect judgmental comments. So you can say, thanks for your concern. We're handling it in a way that works for us. But you can't thank them. I don't think People are coming from a malicious place most of the time.

I think they are truly trying to be, like, helping. But you can, so you can say thanks for the concern. And even if they're not, even if they are being malicious, if you say thanks for the concern, it's not, it's going to make them feel like maybe they had a point. But you just don't, and it won't cause, like, more arguments or them trying to defend themselves.

And I don't know, in the moment, it might not feel good to say that, and you can start an argument if you want to, but I like to protect the peace. That is my boundary. I protect the peace. Even if I don't agree with them, I say, thank you for your concern. This is how we're handling it. This is what works for my family.

Because if you try to argue with them, then they're just going to argue their point back, and No one's got time for that. You're never going to win. Yeah, for sure. And then find a support network, surround yourself with people who understand and respect your journey. So you can go talk to them and be like, Hey, this happened over Christmas break.

And I just need to talk about it. How could I, you could get ideas for how you can, you can address it next time. Without talking to people who don't understand what you're going through. And then the next thing is just practice self compassion. Acknowledge that you're doing your best in a tough situation, and that societal opinions don't define your success as apparent.

So it doesn't matter what society thinks of you. Unless you're like abusing your kids, then you should probably, but those people don't care what society thinks of them.

like you're, you're just gone. If you're doing that, don't do that. It's, I think it's something to think about. Am I really going to affect the relationship with my child just to make this stranger or this other person who's not in my life? Like, just to appease them. Yeah. A lot of the time, hopefully is when you know, hopefully the relationship with your child is more important than some, somebody's opinion that.

Then your relationship with great aunt Ida, that you see, that you see on holidays. Yeah, like she can have that opinion all she wants, but I know that this is what works for me and my child and it also helps our relationship in the long run. And I think that is more, more important than what grandma thinks about this particular situation this one time.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. So just, I know it's hard because especially if you're a neurodivergent parent, I have ADHD. I have the rejection sensitivity dysphoria. I already think that people don't like me. I already think that people think I'm doing a bad job and that is just heightened. I already feel like people are judging me even when they're not and so I totally understand Wanting to appease them, but also, like you said, your relationship with your child is way more important than your relationship with people that you see every so often, or twice a year.

I just Protect the peace, protect your own peace. Yeah, protect your own peace, and just know, give yourself compassion, and I know you're doing your best, you know you're doing your best. Perfect. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. So, that is our podcast for today. We are going to be talking more about boundaries in February, and if setting boundaries feels like a constant battle or you're craving more peace and connection in your home, You won't want to miss our virtual summit on March 7th.

You can sign up for the waitlist now. Registration starts in February. This event is packed with insights from top professionals and real parents who have been in your shoes. So I think it's very important that we have people who are neurodivergent themselves. Who care for neurodivergent people, because those are the people that I trust the most to educate me about neurodivergence.

But during the summit, it's nine 30 to one 30 on March 7th, it's virtual, it's free. Um, you'll walk away with practical strategies to navigate challenging behaviors with confidence, create. calmer, more positive home environment, and strengthen your bond with your neurodivergent child. You can find more information about that at everybrainisdifferent.

com. And once again, it's free. Um, there is like a VIP upgrade if you want access to the recording after the summit, but you will be able to enter the summit for free, talk to the professionals, go into the Q& A rooms with them. Lauren is going to be one of our presenters. I'm super excited. I'm going to be a presenter.

Obviously, because it's my summit. Yeah, so if you're interested in that, go to everybraindisdifferent. com. And yeah, we hope you have a great January and beginning of the month. And we will be back next week with another interview. Happy New Year! Thank you for listening to this episode. We hope the discussion on neurodiversity has provided you with some insight.

Support, understanding, and inspiration. If you found our podcast valuable, please share it with others who may benefit from our insights and leave us a rating and review on Apple Podcasts. Hit the follow button and let's keep exploring the fascinating world of neurodiversity. Click the link in our show notes to visit our website for a free download of three tips for a stronger relationship with your child.