67 - Thriving During the Holidays With Your Neurodivergent Kid 04/11/24

In this comprehensive episode of the Every Brain is Different Podcast, Samantha and Lauren discuss strategies to help families navigate the holiday season with neurodivergent and anxious children. They provide practical tips such as utilizing sensory-friendly hours at events and stores, preparing familiar and safe foods, designating sensory-safe spaces, and planning social interactions to reduce stress and anxiety. The discussion emphasizes understanding and managing children's needs over societal judgments while fostering a flexible and enjoyable holiday experience.

00:00 Introduction to Thriving During the Holidays

00:34 Sensory Friendly Activities for the Holidays

04:07 Creating Safe Foods for Your Kids

08:05 Designating a Safe Sensory Space

10:51 Creating a Safe Environment for Learning

11:36 Handling Judgment from Others

13:26 Managing Social Interactions

15:09 Preparing for Gift Exchanges

16:39 Communicating with Family Members

18:43 Flexible Holiday Traditions

20:09 Recap and Final Thoughts

22:22 Parenting Program Introduction

TRANSCRIPTION

Welcome to the Every Brand is Different podcast. It is Lauren and I here with you today and we are talking about thriving during the holidays with your neurodivergent child because I know that the holidays can be very overwhelming for children and their parents and so we are hopefully going to give you some tips to help you navigate the overwhelm and have a good time and make some memories.

Absolutely. Yeah. Um, the first thing I want to talk about was doing things during sensory friendly hours. So, a lot of places nowadays, like for Santa visits or for just different things that you want to do, I can't think of anything else in my head right now that you'd want to do this for, but especially Santa visits, um, they have sensory friendly hours.

Where there's not as much going on. You make an appointment, you go in, you do the Santa visit. You don't have to wait in the long line and they like might dim the lights. They do a lot of different things to make it more sensory friendly. And so that is one thing that you can do. I think some stores also have like sensory friendly hours as well.

Um, just a little side note I mean outside of the holidays, that's a, that's a thing. And I know there's movie theaters that also do sensory friendly activities as well. They're friendly movies, I guess. Sensory friendly movies. So, uh, yes. Absolutely. Yeah. So they, if your kid wants to go shopping and they don't want to do like online shopping, then they definitely have like sensory friendly hours.

I know that Dr. Temple Grandin was talking about Walmart sensory friendly hours for shopping and other stores have that too. And then yes. The movie theaters have sensory friendly hours, so if there is. Um, movie that maybe you want to watch, they have a time where it's not quite as loud. The lights aren't turned off, they stay on and you are able to move about and you're not as looked down upon if you were to move about during a normal showing.

Um, yes. And then there are sensory friendly concerts that some bands put on, um, where. I know that you can go, you can even go up on stage and they will like show you their instruments and you can just walk around. You can make noise. It's not amplified. And so, yes, there's definitely lots of different options for sensory friendly things going on.

Yeah, it's just looking into it and trying to find it. Yeah, you just have to call ahead and, you know, people don't know that you want sensory friendly hours if you don't tell them. So you might call a business or something and just say, Hey, do you have sensory friendly hours? And if they say no, be like, well, maybe you should.

Maybe, maybe you can get those. Something to look into, something to consider. Um, because if there's enough demand for it, and it will bring people into stores. People will do it. Like they want you to come into their store. They want you to spend money. They want you to have a good time in their store. They don't want your child to have meltdowns.

They don't want you to have meltdowns. And so whatever they can do to like mitigate that response, I'm sure that they would be willing to do it. Yeah. And if they're not, if they're not going to support you in that, then you don't want to shop there anyway. So exactly. You don't want to support them anyway, they're not going to support you.

That is my wisdom of the day. But, um, the next thing that we want to talk about was to create safe foods for your kids. So I know in my family, at least like both sides of my family. We go to this large, you know, what's it called when you bring potluck? Um, we go to a large potluck. Everybody brings food and my kids don't like most of it So I make sure that there is food there that they're going to eat And I don't force them to eat, like, great, enormous, crazy, you know, salad or whatever.

Weird casserole. Um, I also, I think, Thanksgiving is probably not the time to be doing that. Forcing new foods. So, yes, definitely. So I know I get a lot of flack from people about this, that they're like, well, your kids need to eat their food. They need to eat their vegetables. They need to eat this. They need that.

I mean, kids are already overwhelmed at Thanksgiving at Christmas. They're already overwhelmed. They're in a huge, well, okay. In my family, we get together with my dad's extended family. My mom's extended family, my husband's extended family. And there's like so many people. It's wild, but, um, they're already stressed and this is not the time to be like, you will eat all your food and you will eat all your vegetables.

You will eat a balanced diet. No, give not some grace. Yeah. Yeah. And if you want to fight that battle, I mean, I guess that's up to you, but in my head, it's not worth it. Just give them their safe foods. Let them eat, let them enjoy it, and don't worry about them eating all the healthy stuff like one day out of the year, you know, or a couple days because it's different holidays.

But yeah, um, I know I've had family members who have been like, they're not eating all their food. And I'm like, I don't care. I don't care. They're not gonna like. This day is not going to determine their overall health. It's not going to determine their overall wellbeing. Like it's one day. And honestly, I do this at Sunday dinners because we go to my parents house almost every Sunday for Sunday dinner.

And my family will be like, well, they didn't eat any vegetables. And I'm like, I don't care if they're already stressed. They're around a lot of people right now. We're not going to deal with it. And if it's one meal out of the full week. Yeah, I don't care. I don't care. So that and why why make it uncomfortable for everyone to sit and watch when you know, these are supposed to be joyous times with family and like, you really want to sit and watch me have a losable battle with the Tommy.

Yeah, yeah, like a good time to me. Yeah. Or even like if your kid is 10 or Like, and it's up to you. These are just suggestions, but this is what I found works for me. Like my kids are already stressed when we go see family, they like seeing family, but it's just a stressful time. And so if I could cause them less stress by just letting them eat what's safe to them, totally worth it to me.

I agree. I love kids when I agree. Yeah. The next thing is designating a safe sensory room. Or just a space or anything like that. So if your kid gets overwhelmed with all the people or the, you know, just the changes in their routine, because holidays are definitely a change in their routine. Even if it's a good thing, even if they're excited about it.

The change in routine can cause anxiety, can cause overwhelm and make them behave like they're not having a good time or make them do things that they wouldn't typically do because they're overwhelmed and they're anxious about it. So when my son was, I don't know how old he was, he was like five. He will up until like a few years ago, he did not like being around a lot of cousins.

He had two cousins that he liked. And he liked being around them, but then all the other cousins came and they got around him and they overwhelmed him. And so I let him use my phone. I just gave him my phone and he could go off in the corner and just do his thing and just chill out and just be feel safe, you know?

And then my other cousins got mad at me because they're like, well, we don't let our kids use our phone. I'm like, I don't really care. Like my kid is in crisis right now. Like your kid is overwhelming him. Because they're all up in his face. And they weren't doing anything bad. They were just inviting him to play, but they were inviting him to play by being like, come play with us.

Come play with us. Come play with us. Like, why aren't you, why don't you want to come play? Why don't you want to do this? Why don't you want to do that? Just come with us. And that was very overwhelming to him. And he needed to go and be alone and do something that was regulating to a system before he had a meltdown.

I think too, with that as well, you know, cause I think there are parents out there who are like, um, well, they're never going to learn or blah, blah. They can't always have this. That's, you're true, that's right, but at the end of the day, like, that's not a teaching moment for kids like this because they're not learning and processing if they are so stressed out and full of anxiety and things like that.

So, that's a conversation you can have later with your child, like, hey, I know, you know, we're overwhelmed, blah, blah, blah. There will be some times where we might have to use coping skills and things like that, but in the moment, it's not necessarily. The time and also other people's opinions do not matter on your parenting.

If you are a parent, you parent what you need to parent. So, yes, definitely. I know I was talking to a parent and in music therapy, we do things that are uncomfortable to the child in a controlled environment where they already feel safe. They feel like less anxiety. And then we might do something to help them learn.

So when they're in a different environment and that thing happens, they're able to use the coping skills, but we're in a controlled environment. So if I see that they're getting too anxious or something isn't going right, and they need a break, we can take a break and then they can slowly learn those coping skills that they need.

But when you're in the moment and they're already overwhelmed and they're already almost ready to have a meltdown, that is not the time to be like, we're going to use your coping skills that you haven't quite mastered yet. To, so that I don't get judged for being a quote bad parent, you know? And that's the thing, it's like you're not necessarily doing it to help your kid, you're doing it to like, appease other people because you don't want that judgment.

Yeah. Let them be judgy, okay? They're not Good people. They're going to be that judgy, but I'm sure they're good people, but yeah. I know what you mean. Like, they just don't understand the needs of your child and that's okay. They don't need to. And so when I gave my son the phone a few years ago, his cousins kept following him around and I finally said, you need to leave him alone.

I understand you want to play. I understand you want to use the phone, but this is his time. And so then we went into like a quieter space in the house. And I told them, I'm like, here's what you can go do. He's going to take a break. And one time he took a break and he sat behind the couch and he sat under a bunch of like weighted.

They weren't weighted blankets, but there was a bunch of like coats that he just sat under. Cause he needed that weight. And everyone was like, why aren't you making him come out and play? Why aren't you making him do this? Why are you letting him sit behind the couch? Like he needs to get to know everybody.

I'm like, no, he doesn't. And I'm making my family sound awful. They are not really like, this is like two instances when. I just remember it very clearly that they were like, why are you letting him do that? And I was choosing to let him do that. And they were agreeing with it. Usually when I do things, they're just like, Oh, you do you, you know, but it is hard when you feel that judgment from other people, even if they're not like outwardly saying they judge you, like you feel like they're judging you.

And that's really hard for sure. Yeah, um, the next thing on our list is to pre plan social interactions. So you can prepare your child, you know, like we've been saying. Going to grandma's house might be very overwhelming, but you can prepare them. Maybe you get pictures of everyone that will be there and you're like, Oh, we're going to see this aunt and we're going to see this uncle and we're going to see this cousin and we're going to see grandma and we're going to see grandpa and we're going to see this person and that person, whatever, um, you can get pictures of everyone so that they know who's going to be there.

They know what to expect. And then if something, um, you know, if something does go. Not according to plan. That's okay. And because they're prepared for the other things, when something is out of whack and it doesn't happen the way that they think it's going to happen, they're better able to cope with it because they're prepared for the overall situation.

I mean, obviously they might still have a meltdown for something that's unexpected, but I think in my experience, they're more prepared to handle the unexpected things. when they're prepared for what is going to happen. So you can say, you know, we're going to grandma's house. We're going to see this aunt, this uncle, this cousin, whatever.

And then we're going to open presents. And when we open presents, you might not get what you want. You might get something unexpected and that's okay. Like it's okay. This is not something that you have to keep for your life. That's not something that you have to, you know, like you don't have to keep it and What happens in our family is one of my kids really is really like, not weird about presents, but if he doesn't get what he wants and someone else gets something that he wants, he will kind of have a meltdown.

And so you can tell them, you can prepare them and say, you know, you might not get something that you want. Your cousin might get something that you really want. And that's okay. And we're just going to have to, you know, move through it. And sometimes when that happens, the other cousin will be like, Oh, I don't want this.

Do you want it? Do you want to trade? Because he likes the thing that my kid has, you know, and so you can tell your kid, you know, you can ask if you can trade, but if they say no, that's their present and that's okay. And so that's a really hard thing for some kids to deal with. Um, so that's just something else that you can do.

You like to prepare them for the social interactions is just saying, you know, this is what we're going to do. Here are some things that might happen that you don't like, but here's what we're going to do. If that happens and you don't like it and it's okay to cry, like it's okay. But it's not okay to scream and it's not okay to yell and it's not okay to like say rude things, you know, but you can cry, whatever.

I think also with kind of planning for, for social interactions and I know just me personally and yes, and you know, like I don't like to be touched, I don't like to be like hugged and that's, you know, holidays, we're visiting grandma and grandpa and they want to hug the kids and I think having, if your kid is like sensitive to that, having conversations with family members and other people like, Hey, now you're gonna be super excited, but like, please ask them if you want to hug or, or things like that and just having some conversations with family members.

To, to help them be more successful, um, any of the interactions as well, you know, like, Hey, this is what I told him is tend to schedule, like, I know things happen, but can we stick to this? So there's not too many unknowns or things like that. And I don't know, I think that can be helpful to, to have conversations with the family members that aren't going to be there.

Um, like kind of going both ways a little bit can be helpful in my opinion. Yeah, that's a great point. I think we focus so much on preparing the child and you know, like prepping them and coaching them and all this stuff when really we need to be talking to the other people that are going to be there too.

Um, so, you know, like if your child does open a toy that they don't like and they start crying, uncle's not going to come over and be like, don't cry. Why are you being such a baby? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know? So you can tell that person like, Hey. He might cry. That's okay. That's okay in our house.

We're not going to tell him to stop. We're not going to tell him that he's a baby. We're not going to do any of that. And yeah, just talking to people and saying, you know, this is what I told him is going to happen. If we can stick to that, that'd be great. If not, just let me know. And I'll prepare him for something else.

You know, that I love that. Yes. Talk to other people. Yeah. Yeah. It needs to go a little bit, a little bit both ways so that there's kind of expectations on, on both sides so that both sides can be successful and enjoy whatever the holiday is. So, yeah, absolutely. And that leads into our final thing, which is flexible holiday traditions.

So, you know, if your family has a tradition that you do and your child just can't do it. Be flexible with that, and that's okay. Um, you know, you want to avoid overstimulation, you want to avoid meltdowns, and so maybe, you know, your family gets together for three hours at grandma's house, but your child can only be there for an hour.

That's okay. You know, he was there for an hour, or maybe he can only be with the family for an hour, and then he spends the next two hours in a bedroom by himself. Yeah. Decompressing. That's OK. Just. Be flexible with your traditions, be flexible with your kid, be flexible with yourself and just give everyone grace.

Yeah, I think, I mean the bottom line, I think if you want to enjoy your time during the holidays and with family to not be so stringent and let go of some expectations that you think you might have and just take it for what it is, prepare as best you can. But at the end of the day, whatever happens, it's going to happen and that's okay.

Um, and to just enjoy that time that you have together. Yeah, for sure. And so, just as a recap, the things we went over were, you know, Use sensory friendly hours, call the store ahead, you know, like call the venue, whatever. Um, you know, some people have sensory friendly rooms, like, uh, venues that you can use.

Um, so call them if they don't have them, maybe suggest that they get them. That'd be cool. The more awareness that people have. And then the next thing is create, you know, safe foods, bring your kids safe food. If you know that they're. Food is going to be there. Then that's great. You know, like whenever we go to family events, I know we're going to have roles and I know we're going to have meat.

So I know my kids will be fed. Like, I know those two things will be there. So I know that they will eat those two things and we can go from there. If they want to try new foods at school, if they don't, that's fine too. And then the third thing is designate a sensory area that your child can go to if they need to decompress, if they need to get away from people, like that's okay.

Um, and then the fourth thing is pre planned social interactions. Prepare your child, prepare your family for the interactions, let everyone know the expectations. And then if things don't go according to plan, you know, have some coping skills ready so you can help your child. Cope as needed and also so you can help your family cope as needed if they don't like what you're doing Well, you can just tell them to grow up, but here's your coping skill Yeah, I'll be like use your coping skills because something unexpected happened that you didn't think would happen There you go Yeah, then the last thing is be flexible be flexible with your holiday traditions be flexible with your kid be flexible with yourself Be flexible with your family give everyone grace It'll be okay.

So, we hope that you have a wonderful holiday season. Right now, we are opening up the doors for our parenting program to help get you through the holiday season. So if, you know, you need some extra help, if you want to come get some ideas, uh, The program consists of a go at your own pace, like, videos.

There's eight modules. They talk about different positive parenting strategies, they talk about self care strategies, they talk about the reasons behind your child's behavior, the characteristics of neurodivergent people and different things like that. And then it also includes a three month membership in our Neurodivergent Parenting Program.

And that just includes twice a month we meet, and you can come and, you know, ask questions. You can get some positive parenting strategies from me, um, anyone else that's there. And then just get the extra support that you need. We have a group for the in between times when we're not having a call that you can post things in and get answers to your questions right away.

So if you're interested in that, you can go to EveryBrandIsDifferent. com We'll love it! And yeah, we'll see you all next week!