58 - Neurodivergent Sibling Relationships 02/09/24

While it's natural for parents to focus more on their neurodivergent children due to their unique needs, it's equally important to support their non-neurodivergent children and nurture sibling relationships. Join Samantha and Lauren as they explore how to manage neurodivergent sibling dynamics. By addressing the needs of all their children, parents can strengthen family bonds and ensure everyone feels supported and understood! Stay tuned!

Here's what to expect on the podcast:

• The unique challenges and opportunities faced by siblings of autistic and neurodivergent children.

• Why is it important for parents to validate the feelings of neurotypical siblings who might feel overlooked?

• Some practical ways for parents to acknowledge and address the emotions of neurotypical siblings.

• Establish family meetings to discuss issues and find solutions together.

• And much more!

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Register for Neurodiversity in Harmony: A Summit for Empowered Parenting: https://www.boisemusictherapycompany.com/register.

TRANSCRIPTION

Are you feeling overwhelmed by your child's unique needs? Wondering how to turn daily challenges into moments of growth? Discover answers at the Neurodiversity and Harmony, a Summit for Empowered Parenting, coming on September 13, 2024. Join us for a day filled with expert insights and real life stories from professionals and parents alike.

All dedicated to autism, ADHD, and other neurodivergent diagnoses. Learn about innovative, positive parenting strategies, and gain a deeper understanding of how to support your child's unique journey. Connect with a community that understands and shares your experiences. Whether you're seeking new strategies or some reassurance, this summit is your gateway to an empowered parenting approach.

Seats are limited, so don't miss out. Join our waitlist now to receive exclusive updates and registration details. Visit www. boisimusictherapycompany. com today to secure your spot. Embrace the journey of neurodiverse parenting with us. This podcast is for parents like you, navigating the world of neurodiversity with love and compassion.

I'm a neurodivergent mother of three amazing neurodivergent children and a board certified music therapist. Our mission is to create a supportive space where you feel understood, connected, and inspired. With practical tips, strategies, and resources, we'll help you and your child thrive in your unique way.

Join us as we dive deep into the diverse world of neurodivergent individuals exploring topics like ADHD, autism, dyslexia, sensory processing challenges, and more. We'll cover it all to empower, educate, and uplift both neurodivergent individuals and those who walk alongside them. Together we'll create a world where every brain is valued and celebrated.

We're excited to embark on this enlightening journey with you. We are your hosts, Samantha Fuh and Lauren Ross, and this is the Every Brain is Different podcast.

Welcome to the Every Brain is Different podcast. It is Lauren and I here today to talk to you about siblings of autistic and other neurodivergent individuals. So what should we understand about, you know, siblings of autistic and other neurodivergent? Kids, so that's what we're talking about today. So be excited.

I just, wow. I, okay. Let's start. Okay. So. It's been a day, guys. It's been a day and I just got some news that sads me freaking out, but it's okay. We'll roll with it. So, growing up with an autistic sibling comes with unique challenges and opportunities. Um, these siblings may need additional support to navigate their feelings and the family dynamic.

So, um, siblings might feel overlooked, confused, or burdened by responsibilities that are placed on them. And, um, Positive sibling relationships can provide lifelong benefits for both children. So what we're really talking about today is helping siblings understand, cope, and thrive in a neurodiverse family.

Which I think it's interesting because I feel like if you have one neurodivergent kid in your family, there might be more. I've just noticed that it's kind of genetic. And so, but they could be different. Like I have a family that one kid has autism and one kid has ADHD and they don't understand each other and the kid with autism has higher needs.

Then the kid with ADHD, and so the kid with ADHD, you know, feels left out, feels like he's not as important, feels like his parents give more time to the kid with autism because he has more therapies. So, yeah, so our goal is just to help you know what to do with siblings who may be feeling that. Yeah, and I think it's important to remember again, like, these are children, we're kids, they don't, They're not, they're not tiny adults, they're, they're kids, so they do have those feeling left out or that the other person's giving the attention, you know, maybe mom and dad don't love me as much.

Um, they don't necessarily understand the grand picture and so it's important to not, not forget, not, don't forget about them and their needs. Yeah. And this can come out as siblings. Having, you know, maladaptive behavior. They might be doing things, you know, going back to those reasons for behavior. They might be doing things because they want a connection with you.

They want your attention. So helping them have positive interactions with you and positive interactions with their, you know, diagnosed sibling can really go a long way. And it might be that they're just angry towards their sibling, or it could be that they're sad, or it could be that they just retreat and be alone because they think that they're not important.

I don't know. All the, like, it could come out in a variety of ways. So, if your kid seems to be having a hard time, maybe this could be one of the things, or a contributing factor. Yeah, and I, and it's important to have this topic because, Some of the stuff in these feelings will lead into adulthood, like I've read so many posts from other people who have siblings with diagnoses and just how it kind of shaped who they are and some resentment and other things that they have.

And so, um, it's really important to have these discussions, especially, you know, when they're young. So, yeah. And then. So that's one of the things that I was going to say, um, for, you know, like, some strategies that you can use is just use age appropriate explanations. And so you can start off, like, really simple when they're smaller and then just add on to it.

As they get older and can understand more. You can use books, you can use videos, you can use social stories. Um, there's a lot of different resources out there to explain autism in a relatable way to help siblings understand what exactly it is. Um, another thing that you can do is create a space that feels safe for your child to ask questions and express their feelings about their diagnosed sibling.

Um, so make it a place where nothing is right or wrong, like validate their feelings. So if they say, I am so mad. That, that my sibling gets more attention than I do or, and they might say something that you don't think is true, but it's true for them. So take what they're saying as facts, their personal facts.

I really like what my husband told me. It was years ago, but I was being gaslit by someone and I was like, am I crazy or like are my feelings not valid or am I not feeling the right thing? Like should I be feeling something different? And he was just like, your feelings are your feelings. They might, they're not right or wrong, but they need to be validated because that's how you're feeling.

Like you might be being, Irrational about the situation, which by the way, I wasn't in that situation, is like, you might be, you might be irrational, you might be dead on with what the situation is, that doesn't matter. What matters is the way you feel, and those are valid. So really validating your child's experience.

Can also help them feel understood and that might be all that all you need to do is just validate them and say I Understand that you were feeling so mad about this. How can we solve the problem? Yeah, I think that's important to validate because I think sometimes parents can Just well because your sibling has this and like they kind of like try to excuse the the siblings behaviors without Again, validating how the other child is feeling and where they're coming from They're just kind of getting into an excuse instead of actually focusing on What they're feeling and yeah, it's still that way Yeah, exactly.

Um, and with that, you can normalize emotions, so you can tell, you know, your son or daughter that it's okay to feel a wide range of emotions toward a person. They might be thinking, well, I'm mad at this person, and that makes me a bad person because I'm mad at them. Where it's okay not to like someone all the time.

It's okay to get mad at them. It's, if you have a long term relationship with anyone, you're going to have those different feelings no matter who they are. It's, it's validating those emotions, but like also, you know, setting the limits. on the actions that might come from those emotions, right? So yes, you're very clearly frustrated with your sibling.

You have every right you can be, but just because we are frustrated doesn't mean we're gonna like throw rocks at them. Yeah. So setting those clear boundaries as well as you're validating. Yeah. So use self regulation strategies that we've talked about. Like I teach this all the time in my program about how to emotionally regulate yourself so you can help your children stay emotionally regulated, and then they can make good choices.

And we talk about how, just like you said, it's okay to have feelings. And you have to think about what you're doing in response to those feelings, cause not all actions are appropriate in response to those feelings. Exactly. Yeah. And that's where, you know, you can teach about emotional regulation and what to do when you're mad, sad, whatever, when they're not feeling that way, so then when they feel that way, they know what to do, and it's not you trying to be like, okay, when we're mad, we go scream into a pillow, you know, or whatever, because when they're mad, They're not listening to you.

They're just not. Like, it's a whole brain thing. The lid has flipped. If you've heard that analogy, you know, where you have the hand, the hand is your brain and then it flips and everything is open and you just don't, you are not in your right mind anymore. You're just mad. So, um, yeah, that is not the time to teach emotional regulation.

That is the time to encourage what you've already taught them. Yeah. Yeah. So, yes, I like to do deep breaths with my kids. With one of them, it works really well. The other ones, they have different strategies. But with one of them, I'm like, okay, let's take deep breaths. And he's so funny because he'll be like, I'm like, no, we're taking deep breaths.

And he's like, I'm trying to take a deep breath. But then eventually we get to the deep breaths and then he calms down. So it's a whole process. So, yeah, that's the other thing, like, if your kid doesn't immediately do the, the strategy that you're working on, like, it might be a process to get to that strategy, but eventually they may be able to do it.

And you know your kid, you know what's going to work. Um, you can try different things, ask them what they want to do. Obviously, when they're calm, you know, ask them what they want to do when they're mad to feel better. Always get their input. Yeah, exactly. Um, the other things that we recommend are ensuring that siblings feel seen and valued.

So, spending one on one time with them. This is time that, you know, you as a parent If you're a mom, you go spend time with them, just you and your child. Or, you know, you and their dad can go spend time with just them and none of the other siblings or, you know, however many kids you have. No one else is there, just that child and a parent or guardian or whatever, parental figure.

And, um, you go and do something that they want to do and involve them in planning the activity. And just go do what they want to do.

Same for me. Um, yeah, it's very, um, I just solved all the world's problems. Um, the other one is to praise their efforts. So, you can praise siblings for their patience and understanding while validating their feelings. So, you can say, I understand that you were so frustrated in that situation. I loved how you chose to walk away.

Or, I loved how you chose to You know, go play with Legos or calmly react to what was going on. Um, just, you know, acknowledge their efforts. That goes a long way too. Another thing, um, a positive discipline strategy that we also talk about in the program is having family meetings. So you know, something can come up between siblings and you can say, we are going to table this until the family meeting and then we're going to talk about this at the family meeting and decide what the solution to this issue is.

Like if there is. An ongoing issue between the siblings that's always happening. You can say, okay, we're going to bring this up in the family meeting. And family meetings can be whatever you want them to be. So I recommend, or positive discipline recommends, that you don't make them more than 30 minutes.

Um, have anywhere between 10 to 30 minutes for a family meeting and have an agenda so people can add things to the agenda that they want to talk about. Anyone in the family can add something to the agenda and everyone works together to find solutions. So, it's not just the parents dictating to the kids, okay, we're going to do this because we said so.

And then at the end of the family meeting every week, just have fun. Do a fun activity to Practice being an awesome family, I guess. I don't know. I love this. I, but I never really heard of like family meetings before into like quite recently, like in the last couple of years. And I actually know a couple of people who do these or like any, anyone at any time can declare a family meeting and then they'll, you know, make a time.

And it's been helpful, um, to, you know, talk about grievances and find both solutions. And so I, I love this concept of the family. Yeah, I really like it because it gives people a time to cool off before they talk about the issue. And so then you bring it up in the family meeting when everyone is feeling relatively calm, so that you can come up with a solution.

So, okay, the next time, I don't know, something that happened this morning, the next time your brother takes your phone, What's going to be the consequence for the brother that takes your phone without asking? Or what's going to happen? What are you going to do to get your phone back? And then talk about that.

And then if things don't work, so say, you know, we're going to try this for a week. If that does, if what you guys came up with doesn't work, you can come up with a new solution at the next family meeting, but just make sure you're trying things and then if they're not working, bring them up again and continue to problem solve until you get a solution that works for everyone.

Yeah. I love it. Um, the next one is fostering compassion and connection. So you can promote empathy. Um, help siblings understand their autistic siblings experience and challenges, so you can say, you know, What do you think your brother is going through when this happens, or when he's having a hard time with this, or whatever.

Um, just practicing that empathy. And having them understand what the other sibling is going through, and you can do that with the diagnosed sibling also. You know, you can say, how do you think your sister feels when we're spending all this time doing something with you, and they're left out. Um, so you can kind of like, I don't, I don't want you to make the diagnosed sibling feel guilty for their needs, but also help them understand that the other sibling might be feeling left out.

Yeah. Because no one should ever feel guilty for having this, getting the support that they need, but they do need to understand the other person's point of view. And I read, I read this thing. That was so interesting. It was about cognitive empathy, and then there's emotional empathy, and emotional empathy can be described as feeling, experiencing another person's emotions, such as, I see my friend is crying and sad, so I begin to feel sadness.

Cognitive empathy can be described as identifying, understanding how another person is thinking and feeling. For example, I know that my friend is probably crying because her pet passed away and she is missing them. So this is what's interesting. Studies show that autistic individuals may have a surplus of emotional empathy, um, even empathetic hyperarousal.

So this means they feel what another person feels, possibly very strongly, But what they have less of is cognitive empathy, or identifying and understanding what the emotion is and why it's occurring. So they feel what the person is feeling, but they don't know why. And so, that makes it so that they're feeling it, they're not understanding what they're feeling, and they're not understanding why they're feeling it, so that causes them to stress.

So they might be seeing, you know, their sibling be sad that they're left out of something. And then they feel that sadness, but they don't know what that sadness is, they can't label it. And they Don't know why it's happening. And so that causes them to be distressed. Just sounds like a cycle. Yeah, yeah So then you know they might react Poorly to that and then that causes the other sibling to react poorly and it just goes on and on and on so if you can teach your child how to have cognitive empathy and emotional empathy and Teach them, you know This is what this means, and you can do that by doing an, by taking your internal dialogue and putting it out, so saying it out loud.

So you can say, Oh, I stubbed my toe. I feel so mad because I stubbed my toe and it hurts. Or My babysitter just canceled. I feel so frustrated that they canceled because now I can't go do what I needed to do. So you're saying what you're feeling and why you're feeling it and they're seeing your facial expressions, your body language, so they can understand what it looks like.

And that's one way that you can kind of teach, um, how to have that cognitive and emotional empathy. Yes. So the next thing we're going to talk about is Um, encouraging teamwork. So create opportunities for siblings to work together on tasks or play, which fosters a sense of teamwork and connection. Um, a lot of times neurodivergent play doesn't look like neurotypical play, and so it might be hard for them to like play together, but just encourage them to find a way to play together, but don't.

Criticize their play, I guess. You know, a lot of people are like, well, this is the right way to play. This isn't the right way to play. Um, you just have to encourage them to find a way to play together and not judge how they're playing. I mean, there's no wrong or right way, as long as nobody's hurting it.

Yeah, yeah. Like, they're making up their own rules, or their own version of let it be. Yeah, exactly. So, here are some things that you can do for play strategies. Um, if they're together, you can comment or narrate about what you're seeing them do. So you can be like, oh, if they have a box of balls and they dump them out, they're like, oh, the balls are falling out.

Or you can, um, if they're playing games together, make it clear what the rules are. And if either sibling is having a hard time understanding the rules, Maybe you need to make the rules more simple, or maybe you can get, like, um, visuals so that they understand the rules better. Um, and go easy on sharing.

Don't make it so they have to share with each other. Just, um, try playing alongside them and showing them how to share, or I don't make my kids share with people. If they're playing with something and someone comes up and they're like, I want that, be like, that's great for you. You know, like they were playing with it and I don't make my kids share with each other.

If it's a toy that they both want. all the time, then we might set up like a system of playing with it. Like, oh, they get it for five minutes. You get it for five minutes. But if like my daughter, let's say goes and gets a toy and starts playing with it. And my son has not played with that toy in six months and he all of a sudden wants it.

I'm not going to make them share. Maybe that's a hot take. I don't know. I'm for it. I, I think. I mean, I don't, I don't think it's right to like, just immediately like take it away or demand you have to share right now. Um, I'm, I'm for like, it's something, if it's like shared, it's not their personal way, like, okay, well, I'm going to give you a timeframe and we're going to switch.

Like, I, I think that is fine, but you parent how you want a parent and do not feel bad about it, guys. Yeah. Yeah. If you have different rules, I just say. Make the rules clear. Yeah, exactly. That will help all the children. So, they can't say, Well, this is the rule when you didn't make the rule, but they can say, you know, come up to you and say he's breaking the rule.

We had this clear rule, and he's breaking it. Then you can be like, okay, well, you are breaking the rule. That's our family rule. You know, make the family rules up in the book. Family meetings, and you can have them like on your wall or visually, however you want to display them, um, or however you want people to remember them, but yeah, just make it clear like what the expectation is.

I think it should be across the board. I know sometimes when I was younger, like, my brother had, uh, we had more rules than they did, and that I think can cause, you know, issues and resentment. And so I think when you can make them across the board for everyone, it doesn't matter. Um, that's gonna work better as well.

Yeah, and if you do have to make exceptions, make that clear. So Explain it. Yeah, so my four year old does not, I do not have the same expectations for her that I do my nine year old. And my nine year old gets really mad because he's like, well she doesn't have to do that. I'm like, well, because she's five years younger than you, so, and make it clear why you have the difference in expectations.

Mm hmm. Um, the next one is nurturing siblings individual growth. So encourage pursuing interests. Um, you know, have them explore their own hobbies and passions separate from their role as a sibling. So if they really want to go join the football team, if they really want to do chess club, I don't know, whatever they want to do, like do your best to encourage them to have their own interests and their own things that they do instead of having everything revolve around their sibling.

And then, you know, with that, you can provide them with a support network so you can connect siblings. with peers who have similar experiences. Um, I know they have like sibling support groups for kids who have a diagnosed sibling. Um, you can get them into counseling if needed. There's a lot of different, uh, resources for siblings who may be feeling, you know, pressured or they just need a little extra help in that role that they have.

Um, the next one is to build a strong and supportive family environment. So one way that we talked about this was having family meetings. And then another thing is to celebrate differences, um, emphasize the strengths and unique qualities of each child, creating a culture of acceptance. You know, like my kids are a little, um, the, the older one would say.

You know, you're really good at creating things and I'm really good at math. And so they, and the younger one would be like, yeah, I'm super creative and you are really good at math. Um, so just, you know, celebrating those differences and just celebrating each child for who they are. Yeah. Um, another way that you can build a strong and supportive family environment is family rituals.

So, you know, family traditions and. included in that are like any tradition you want. So we have a tradition, we just did this yesterday, of going to a water park in our area at the end of summer and we go just as a family and then we do that once a summer. At the very end, actually when they go back to school, we go after school because it's cheaper and no one's there.

But that's our tradition! And then, you know, at Christmas, we might have different traditions, or in the fall, like, in the fall, we go to a pumpkin patch with my best friend from high school. And we go with her family every year, and that's a tradition that we do. Like, they don't have to be like holiday traditions or whatever.

They can just be, you know, when I was growing up, we'd watch a movie every Sunday afternoon. That was our tradition. Whatever. Just make small traditions. Yeah, and again, the big part of that is making sure we're including everybody in the family. Yeah, so I have a funny story about that. You want to include everyone in planning?

So my sisters and I have this tradition of going to Zupas For lunch and then going shopping for each other Christmas shopping every December and we had been doing this for years and my youngest sister when we went to Zupa, she was like, can we please stop going here? I do not like this place. She was like, I don't like the food here.

And I'm like, Why didn't you tell us that like five years ago? And she said, I was just hoping that we wouldn't come back here every year, but we always come back here. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, well, it was just tradition. That's why we did it. She's like, can we just stop please? So yeah, ask people. What they want to do, include them in their tradition, include them in the planning because you never know if someone's just like hoping you don't do that anymore or maybe they don't want to be part of that tradition anymore.

Um, yeah, it's just different things. So just include people because they might not want to participate because of something you're doing. Um, but if that, you know, we just went to a different restaurant, it's no big deal. It's fine. And then some traditions, you know, depending on how they started, like we might age out of them and so they might have to change and adapt and that's okay.

Yeah, yeah. So. For example, me and my sisters used to go shopping all the time, you know, for each other for Christmas, and we'd go do it together. Because that started because they were too young to get me a gift by themselves, and so I would take them all shopping and we'd pick out gifts for each other.

Well now, most of them are married. And so we go shopping for them. So now we just draw names and we still go out to lunch in December, but we don't go shopping after. So that's just a changing tradition that we do. Yeah. But yeah, um, and the next thing that we have is having an open dialogue. So this goes back, you know, to creating a safe space for your kids to talk to you, having the family meetings, just maintain an ongoing dialogue about everyone's feelings and experiences to ensure that no one feels isolated.

So you can ask How they're doing, and you know, especially kids, they might not know how they're feeling. And so you can say, you know, you look frustrated or you look happy. Is it because of this? Is it because of this? Like, this morning my son was frustrated and I played 20 questions with him to figure out what was wrong.

I, he did not say one word. He just shook his head yes or no. And I had to ask him different questions to find out what was wrong with him. Eventually, I figured it out and I was very proud of myself. But sometimes kids can either be so upset that they, they're just not going to talk about it or they might not know.

What is wrong, why they're feeling this way. Or they might think like one of my kids, he didn't tell me what was wrong because he thought he was going to get in trouble. And so just maintaining that open dialogue can help you, can help them feel safe coming to you. Know that they're not going to get in trouble.

Know that it's okay to talk to you about what's going on. Yeah. And then the last thing that we have is encouragement. So a loving and supportive family environment helps all children, including siblings of neurodivergent kids to thrive. So. You know, just encourage your kids, like we said before, praise their efforts in trying to understand each other, trying to, um, work with each other, and express their needs.

Yeah, so those are our tips if you have, you know, maybe there's a sibling in your family that's having a hard time with your diagnosed child. I think the biggest takeaway from this episode that I would say is have the open dialogue, creating the safe space and educating them on what their sibling is diagnosed with.

Um, I agree. One final thing that I want to add, um, based on personal experience, um, is especially, um, for me when I became like a teenager and I understood more, um, kind of this burden of responsibility of, that I was like, I, when my parents get older, like who's going to take care of my brother? Like, what if something happens to them?

Does that just automatically fall on me? Cause I'm a sibling or like if something happens to my parents, like my sibling is actually not going to be helpful. So it's going to be, you know, all on me. Um, and so having conversations like that when, when they're older, um, your expectations for them when they're older, I really appreciate that.

You know, my dad recently was like, Hey, you know, I have a question. You can absolutely say no. He's like, but will you be co guardian of your brother? He's like, so that way, you know, in case something happens to me, it's already set and whatever, and he's like, I understand if you don't want, you know, that responsibility, it's totally fine.

Um, I think having those conversations as, as children get older, because it was something that like, I dwelled on it a lot as a, as a teenager, like, like, Oh, can I do this? Cause I have to like, worry about my brother. Can I move super far away or do I have to stay in state? Because this is where my brother is.

Um, and that can be really overwhelming and again, can, you know, potentially cause resent, especially if parents are just assuming that, you know, Oh, they're siblings, they'll take care of each other. Maybe they don't want to, and so they'll, as, as children get older, you know, having those conversations and being open and having that dialogue, um, is really important.

So, yeah, and respect it. If you do ask your child to be their sibling's caregiver, when, if something happens to you, respect it. If they say no. With no judgment and not guilt tripping them, not saying, Oh, but they're your, you know, they're your sibling. You need to take care of them like they're, they're not responsible for their sibling.

Their life doesn't have to stop. Yeah. No, it's, it's great and wonderful if they, they want to do that and stuff, but we can't, we can't judge, judge them if they don't want to, or think poorly on them for not, you know, they're not responsible. wanting to disrupt their life, um, to, to take care of a sibling.

Like there, there's other options out there, so. For sure. Well, we hope you found this episode. Helpful, helpful. I just got distracted. Someone just texted me. So we hope that you found this episode helpful and if you have any questions about it, let us know if you are interested in attending our summit.

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