100- 5 Lessons Learned Parenting Autistic & ADHD Kids in 100 Episodes

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Welcome to Every Brain is Different, the podcast where we celebrate the unique world of neurodiversity. We are your hosts, Samantha Foote, a neurodivergent, Board Certified Music Therapist and mom to three kids of ADHD and autism. And Lauren Ross, an ally to the neurodivergent community with over 10 years of experience supporting children and adults with autism.

This podcast is for parents like you. Navigating the world of neurodiversity with love and compassion. Together we'll create a world where every brain is valued and celebrated. We're excited to embark on this enlightening journey with you.

Transcript:

Samantha Foote: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Every Brain is Different, to our 100th episode.

I'm so excited, so-

Lauren Ross: Very exciting

Samantha Foote: Yes. I can't believe it's 100 episodes already.

Lauren Ross: I can't believe it.

Samantha Foote: It hasn't even been two years.

Lauren Ross: Yeah. I, when you first told me, like, we got our 100th episode coming up, I was like, "Wait, what?"

Samantha Foote: How is that possible? [00:01:00]

Lauren Ross: Yay us!

Samantha Foote: Yeah. Yeah. So thank you all for listening who have been, especially those who have been with us from the start. Thank you all for listening and giving us your feedback and all of that. I truly appreciate it. And today we were just gonna talk about five different things that have really stuck out to us after interviewing everyone that we've interviewed. We've had some amazing guests, and then just stuff that we've lived through the last year and a half that we've had the podcast.

The first thing that I've noticed is need for community. Everybody needs support. They need people who get them. Yeah, just getting the support that you need, whether you're getting support as a parent raising a neurodivergent kid, or a neurodivergent person yourself, which if you're raising a neurodivergent kid, you probably have some [00:02:00] neurodivergence in you somewhere.

Lauren Ross: Somehow, some way.

Samantha Foote: Just saying. Somehow. 'Cause I truly believe that it is very genetic. But yeah. That's why I started Every Brain is Different podcast actually, was for the community. Because when I was diagnosed with OCD, I- it was recommended to me to listen to a podcast and I was like, "Oh my gosh, these people get me. I'm not weird. They're experiencing all the same things that I am."

Lauren Ross: Right.

Samantha Foote: And so that's why I started Every Brain is Different, and why I asked Lauren to do it with me, because we just needed, I wanted some place for when you got a diagnosis or your kid got a diagnosis, you could come to and just know that you're not alone, this is what people are experiencing who are neurodivergent, and then getting the guests on here talking about their experience so you could hear other voices. And then that's why I started the Neurodivergent Parenting [00:03:00] community too, so that parents could come in there, they can talk to each other, they can talk to me, and just get answers to their questions.

Lauren Ross: Yeah. Community is so important, and I think- people don't like to ask for help. Like, I think we can all admit that. But I think one thing great about what we're doing with, like, the podcast is the- there's a way to get community if you're, like, nervous and introverted, like watching reels and listening to podcasts and, and getting information and support that way. It's just great in addition to actual interactions with people and, and stuff like that. And so there's just, there's so many sources and variety of “community” that, that can be helpful, and it's just such a good reminder that you don't have to go it alone, and that there are so many people out there who've probably experienced similar things that you and your family have gone through. [00:04:00] So.

Samantha Foote: Yeah. Yeah. And I especially like online communities because if you don't want to leave your house, you don't have to. But I also like in-person stuff for when you feel like leaving your house. But I like online, like the Idaho Autism Moms, I love that Facebook page, and I like that people can go on there and just say, "Hey, I'm having a hard day. This is what's going on." And there will be so many moms that comment on it and just say, "Yep, I totally understand," or, "That sucks, sorry you're having a hard day," and just, you're just around people that get it. And especially, I think it's especially important with the range of the spectrum of autism.

If you're diagnosed with level one, you might be, have completely different needs than people who are diagnosed with level three. And- You can find people with both in communities [00:05:00] and-

Lauren Ross: Yep ...

Samantha Foote: That get it. So yes, that is one thing that I've seen come through a lot in the podcast is need for community. And the second one is just trusting yourself and just doing it, just doing the parenting thing. There is so much information that can come at you. There's so many different opinions. There's so many different things that people say to do. Oh, you need horse therapy, you need music therapy, you need occupational therapy, and speech therapy, and all these things. But I truly believe that you know what is best for your kid- 'cause you're with your kid and you're listening to them. And so, and the parenting style, like what kind of parenting style your kid needs and what they're gonna respond to. And honestly, with my parenting style, like I use positive parenting strategies obviously, but, I also use [00:06:00] other things. Like sometimes I am more authoritarian than I am permissive, and sometimes I am permissive, like just in that moment. That's what my kid needs in the moment. But for the most part, I'm using the positive parenting strategies, but sometimes your kid needs like a stronger hand. Sometimes they just need you to let them do what they need to do. And that's not saying that, “oh, my parenting style is permissive or my parenting style is authoritarian.” I'm just using those different things from those different styles.

But yeah, everyone has an opinion on how to raise your kids. You just need to do it. And then be an advocate for your kid in how they respond. That's kind of like, the second and third ones go together in our list, but being an advocate for what your kid needs can only help them, because they see you sticking [00:07:00] up for them, and then they see other people listening to you, and so then they are taught how to be an advocate for themselves. And so the more you trust yourself that you're doing the right thing, the more you can trust yourself to be an advocate for what your kid needs.

So for example, last year my son, we've talked about this, he was having a super hard time in school, and I had to do a lot of advocacy for him. I had to go down to the school and say, "Hey, this is what he needs to be successful. He doesn't need a teacher who's going to have power struggles with him. He needs someone who's gonna do everything they can to avoid power struggles. And when he's having a bad day, just, you know, do these things. This is what works at home." And I had to really advocate for him. And so sometimes that's not easy, and sometimes you wonder if you're really doing the right thing, but I think that's just part of being a parent. If you're wondering if you're a good parent and you're doing [00:08:00] the right thing, you probably are. I would worry if you were like-

Lauren Ross: Exactly!

Samantha Foote: Yeah, I would worry if you were like, "Yep, I'm the most amazing parent ever, and I never do anything wrong." Um, I would be worried about you if you said that, so.

Lauren Ross: I love it.

Samantha Foote: Yeah. But especially if you're a parent and you have a neurodivergent kid, and you don't even know what the word neurodivergent means. That's rough. That's another reason why I started the Neurodivergent Parenting community, was just to educate people about what neurodivergence might mean in your home. Like- These are the common, these are the common communication differences. These are the common motor differences. These are the common sensory differences. Like, I talk about all of that in the community-

Samantha Foote: Just so that parents can know, hey, you might experience this, and that's okay.

Lauren Ross: Yeah, I wanted to, to tack on with, in addition to that, you always say you don't know what you don't know. And so being open and learning and- [00:09:00] and all of that i- is part of the, the doing it, the doing it and, and finding out more information. Yes. And then with all of that, again, and we talk about this a lot too, is giving yourself grace, 'cause you're not always gonna be perfect. You are- maybe gonna go down a wrong path, but that's okay, it happens, as long as you course correct, correct-

Samantha Foote: Yeah.

Lauren Ross: Eventually. But it happens, and that's okay. And to just, again, give yourself grace and, and trust that, you know, you're doing the right thing for your kid. And at the end of the day, that's all that matters. Other people's noise and opinion can bugger off.

Samantha Foote: For real.

Samantha Foote: Hey everyone, Samantha here, and I'm thrilled to invite you to join me for something special, the Parenting Power Hour. This is your chance, parents of neurodivergent kids, to bring your questions directly to me and fellow parents in the room. We're here to help you develop actionable plans that really work so you can finally stop the meltdowns and [00:10:00] find peace in your home. As a mom to three kids with ADHD and autism, I've seen and been through the challenges too. So trust me, we'll find solutions together that fit your family. Don't miss out on the Parenting Power Hour. It's a free, online monthly gathering every second Thursday of the month, from 12:45 to 1:45 Mountain Standard Time. Visit everybrainisdifferent.com to reserve your spot today.

Samantha Foote: And that leads into the fourth one of, when we had Dr. Matt Zakreski on, he said, "Get curious, not furious," and that has stuck with me. And so I think we say it on every single episode, but all behavior is communication. Your child is communicating something with their behavior, and so get curious about that behavior. Like, why is your child having a meltdown every single time they walk into the store? Why are they having a meltdown every single time you ask them to do the dishes? [00:11:00] What are they trying to communicate? And if you're having trouble understanding what they're trying to communicate, get an outside source and be like, "Hey, this is what's going on. I don't know why this is going on." And then maybe they can help you understand why. Because it's like in my business, you know, or any problems really, like when you're too close to it, you can't find the solution. But then, someone else can come in and be like, "Oh yeah, just do this." And you're like-

Lauren Ross: Fresh eyes

Samantha Foote: "Why didn't I think about that?" And so that, I keep saying this, but that's another reason why I started the parenting, the NeuroDivergent Parenting community, was because I wanted somewhere where parents could come and talk about that and just say, "Hey, these are the problems that we're having. What could be the communication behind the behavior?"

Lauren Ross: Yeah.

Samantha Foote: And then once you do know the behavior, the communication behind the behavior, act appropriately. If your kid is being [00:12:00] defiant because they have PDA, act appropriately. Do less, not less demand parenting, well, less demand I guess, but low demand parenting. Use the declarative language instead of asking them to do things, and just act appropriately once you know what's going on. So if you know what's going on and then you don't act appropriately, I might call you a bad parent. I don't know, but.

Lauren Ross: No, she's not.

Samantha Foote: I'm not calling anyone a bad parent. It's totally fine. Uh, I call my-

Lauren Ross: Leave that for next time.

Samantha Foote: Yeah, yeah. No, it's just your kid is always saying something with their behavior. I truly believe that. They're not being defiant just to be- rude to you. They're not doing it just to bug you. There's a reason why they're doing it. And I even said this the other day, my son pronounces things wrong because he knows it bothers me. So he's doing that because he knows it bothers [00:13:00] me. But why does he want my attention when something bothers me? So why is he doing something that bothers me? That is the real communication behind the behavior. So if they are doing things just to bug you, what's the communication behind that behavior? And so does he need- does he need more connection with me? Is that why he's doing that? Does he need more positive connections with me because I'm not giving him enough attention? Because like we said before, or we didn't say this, research said this, that kids get a ridiculous amount of negative feedback based on what they're doing compared to their neurotypical peers. And so, like with my son, am I giving him too much negative feedback? Does he need more positive feedback from me? Is that why he's doing stuff just to get my attention because I'm not paying enough attention to him, I'm not connecting with him enough? So- That's what I hear a lot from parents is, "Oh, they're doing it just to bug [00:14:00] me." Well, why are they doing something to bug you? That's not, that's not the final communication that they're trying to-

Lauren Ross: Yeah, you gotta dig a little bit deeper ...

Samantha Foote: give you. Yeah.

Lauren Ross: And I think, um, something I wanna add with that in acting appropriately is when you have the chance, 'cause sometimes you have to have an instant reaction, but practice the pause. Take a moment to collect yourself so that you are able to think about it and act appropriately. And, and I think that takes practice to not be so reactive in moments, especially when it is, like, really challenging. So just practicing that pause so that you can act appropriately and be more curious and, and maybe start asking the right questions in a, in a calm instead of that frustration in the moment.

Samantha Foote: Yes. That is so important, and I've found that when I pause, I don't lose my temper as often. Sometimes I pause and I still lose my temper, and that's on me, [00:15:00] and then I apologize to my kids, and then I go through the whole thing, like, "This is what happened. This is why I responded the way I did. This is what I'm gonna do in the future to try and not have that reaction." And then that's showing them what they can do. It's providing an example for them that when they get upset, that this is what they can do to maybe not be upset in the future like that, like not have that strong reaction, and also rectify the situation. I apologize to my kids. If I ever yell at them, like, I apologize and say, "This is why I yelled at you. I'm not excusing my behavior. I'm just saying this is why. This is what I'm gonna do in the future so that I don't yell at you again." And then that's providing them with an example of, "Okay, when I want to yell at my mom or I want to yell at my siblings or someone else, I can do this instead." [00:16:00] It's not saying that they're never gonna do it again, but it might help them a little bit.

Lauren Ross: I love that you brought that up, that, like, modeling, like you're essentially modeling, but also the apologizing part. I think as adults, we don't feel like we have to apologize to children. Like, we're the authority, like we do nothing wrong, but that's obviously not true, and it's okay to apologize to a child. It's okay, and you should. And again, because it teaches them and it models for them so that they can do it in the future, too, when they have moments. So I love that you said that.

Samantha Foote: Yeah. You can't expect a kid to apologize who's never been apologized to. It's not gonna work.

Lauren Ross: Exactly. Exactly!

Samantha Foote: Yeah. So, I don't know, I think a lot of people think that they're giving in to kids if they apologize or showing that they're not the authority if they apologize to kids, when you're just modeling for them what a decent, [00:17:00] kind human should do.

Lauren Ross: God forbid. That's what I think. God forbid you're a kind, decent parent.

Samantha Foote: Yeah.

Lauren Ross: Like, not even a person, like a parent. Like, it's okay to be kind and to be sympathetic and empathetic and apologetic.

Samantha Foote: Yeah, yeah.

Lauren Ross: It's okay, and those are, are things that hopefully you would want your kid to also be as well, so.

Samantha Foote: Yeah, for sure. And then the next thing that we have is incorporate play. So research has shown that kids learn things way faster in play than any other- thing that you're teaching them with. And so getting your kid involved, getting down on their level, incorporating play, teaching them things through play can really help them do the thing that you're wanting them to do. And then it also just creates that awesome connection between you and your kid. If you're playing with your kid, you're doing what they wanna do, and you're connecting with them in [00:18:00] what they want to do, and so that's going to help build that connection, build that rapport, just build those, dopamine, oxytocin feelings.

Lauren Ross: The, the good, the happiness.

Samantha Foote: Yeah. The

Lauren Ross: good- Good vibes.

Samantha Foote: Yeah. And then-

Lauren Ross: And it's a great way to get to know your kid as well. Like, you're gonna find out what they're good at, and, and you can use that to build up on and build off of, is I guess, is what I'm trying to say. So- Yeah ... I'm, I'm all about the play.

Samantha Foote: Yeah.

Lauren Ross: It's a- Yeah, and I think as adults, we need to play more, and so it's a good opportunity too, so.

Samantha Foote: Yeah, for sure. I know, like, play is a great way to introduce concepts like turn-taking and just getting together, what's it called? Not negotiating, but you do one thing, the other person does another, just letting each other do their thing.

But it's also a great place, [00:19:00] if your kid has anxiety and they need to be in control, let them direct the play and do what they want to do, and then that will help lessen their anxiety, and it will help them have control in an environment where it's safe to have control, and then they might not need it so much outside when they don't get to have control over what's going on.

Lauren Ross: Exactly. And I think, too, like, once, you know, the anxiety is lessened, like, that's when you can really introduce new things or concepts and things like that, so it's just helpful all around.

Samantha Foote: Yeah. Yeah. I love it. I think that's one of the best ones, is just be playful with your kids. Get down on their level, do what they like to do, 'cause they're not gonna learn through you lecturing them or you telling them over and over and over again. If you play with them and you introduce the concepts during play, they're gonna get it [00:20:00] way faster than any other way.

Lauren Ross: I wanna plug one of our guests that we had, because one thing that she said stuck with me. I think it was Briana McCallum, I think. But the, she and her kiddo have what's, what they called a dopamine menu. I think that's awesome, and I think that's a good way to create that with your child and do that with your child, and you can incorporate that-

Samantha Foote: Yeah ... For sure.

Lauren Ross: with play. So who doesn't love some dopamine?

Samantha Foote: Yeah. I love it. But yeah, those are the five things that have really stuck out to us over the last 100 episodes.

We are very grateful for everyone that has listened, and let us know what you wanna hear on the podcast. Let us know what you're struggling with. If you want to know more about the neurodivergent parenting community, if you're struggling, if you need support, if you need to find [00:21:00] your people, then check out the community at everybrainisdifferent.com. And we'll see you on Friday for the Friday Five for the 101st episode.

Lauren Ross: Woop woop.

Samantha Foote: Okay. Have a good week.

Lauren Ross: Bye.

Thank you for listening to today's episode. We hope this discussion on neurodiversity has provided you with support, understanding and inspiration. If you're looking for more support, Or you can go to everybrainisdifferent.com and download the ultimate guide to parenting your neurodivergent child.