40 - Paul Zolman and the Role of Love 29/04/24

Here's what to expect on the podcast:

• The five love languages dice tool and how it can be incorporated into your daily life.

• Paul's motivation to develop this innovative tool.

• Practical tips for introducing the concept of love languages to children and making it a fun and engaging experience.

• Cultivate a mindset of giving love through actions without expecting reciprocation.

• And much more!

About Paul:

The author of love is God. In His wisdom, He placed us in a variety of circumstances that require us to find our way back to His pure love. So, what qualifies Paul Zolman to speak about love? His childhood experience of the opposite of love. From that austere beginning and the distaste it formed inside him, he searched for and eventually created a method that transformed his life from anger to loving everyone. Growing up in a family of abuse, physical touch became his preferred love style only because of the regularity.

He could almost count on it. It was consistent. He came to think that was the way to express love. But deep inside, he knew that was a twisted belief. He wanted a better life for himself, which is why he created a paradigm shift that works. In this book, you’ll find what helped Paul Zolman move from a childhood boot camp of abuse to being a person who loves everyone and can find good about anyone in any circumstance. This is truly the role of love.

Connect with Paul Zolman!

Website: https://roleoflove.com/

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/paulzolman/

Role of Love Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/roleoflovedice/

Paul's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/paul_zolman/

Role of Love Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/roleoflovedice

Paul's Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/paul.zolman.7/

Role of Love Twitter: https://twitter.com/roleoflovedice

Connect with Samantha Foote!

Website: www.boisemusictherapycompany.com

Email: [email protected]

Consultation: https://letsmeet.io/boisemusictherapycompany/30-mi…

TRANSCRIPTION

This podcast is for parents like you, navigating the world of neurodiversity with love and compassion. I'm a neurodivergent mother of three amazing neurodivergent children and a board certified music therapist. Our mission is to create a supportive space where you feel understood, connected, and inspired.

With practical tips, strategies, and resources, we'll help you and your child thrive in your unique way. Join us as we dive deep into the diverse world of neurodivergent individuals, exploring topics like ADHD, autism, dyslexia, sensory processing challenges, and more. We'll cover it all to empower, educate, and uplift both neurodivergent individuals and those who walk alongside them.

Together, we'll create a world where every brain is valued and celebrated. We're excited to embark on this enlightening journey with you. We are your host, Samantha Futt and Lauren Ross, and this is the Every Brain is Different podcast.

Welcome to the Every Brain is Different podcast. We are here with Paul Zollman, and he says that the author of love is God. In his wisdom, he placed us in a variety of circumstances that require us to find our way back to his pure love. So what qualifies Paul to speak about love? His childhood experience of the opposite of love.

From that austere beginning and the distaste it formed inside him, he searched for and eventually created a method that transformed his life from anger to loving everyone. Growing up in a family of abuse, physical touch became his preferred love style, only because of the regularity. He could almost count on it.

It was consistent. He came to think that was the way to express love, but deep inside he knew that was a twisted belief. He wanted a better life for himself, which is why he created a paradigm shift that works in his book. You'll find what helped Paul move from a childhood bootcamp of abuse to being a person who loves everyone and who can find good about anyone in any circumstance.

This is truly the role of love. Paul, we are so excited to have you on the podcast. Thank you for being here. 

Thank you, Samantha. It's my pleasure to be with you. 

And can you tell us a little bit about how you're involved in the neurodivergent community? 

Yeah, I've got a son, a stepson that actually is autistic.

He just recently has been diagnosed. He's 35 years old and just felt like he'd never fit in. And, uh, just recently, well, I've got diagnosed with autism. Uh, he's highly functioning autism, but still autism. Then I had a stepfather also that, uh, One one day I'm I'm number 10 of 11 Children. So I have a younger sister.

One day she said that our stepfather has some ticks and she knew how to recognize the text and knew how to recognize those things that Who cares? What does it matter about whether he's got tics or not? He's our stepfather. We just need to treat him like a normal person. Treat him as if we love him. And that's really what we should be doing.

We shouldn't be pointing out the faults or just nuances or quirkiness of one another. Just focus on what's right about them, what you can love about them. And, and when I, when I realized how she was This weird, so weird about, he's got tics. Okay, and then what? And it was just, um, it was a Eye opening experience for me, I knew he was different, but it didn't bother me.

I just still continued to love him. I loved him more, uh, more because he really loved my mother. And he gave my mother some great years. They were married 13 years before she passed away. And then he lived on another 12 years after that. So just a really good man. 

Yeah, and I think it's important, especially during April, which is Autism Awareness or Autism Acceptance Month, that everyone is different, every brain is different, even those who are considered neurotypical, like, everyone has their differences, and so just accept them, and love them for who they are, and don't worry if it's like, weird to you, or like, oh, that's kind of different, um, It's fine.

Like everyone is different. So I love that you brought that up. Thank you. 

Absolutely, Samantha. And the whole thing that, that, uh, the discovery that I made, you know, I grew up in a dysfunctional family, more of an angry type of culture that I grew up in. And I realized that, that I needed to stop being critical of other people.

This culture that I grew up in was a very critical culture. In fact, I was seriously considering being a movie critic. because I was critical. I thought I'd be a movie critic. I might as well use that criticism for something good and be a movie critic when I grew up and didn't turn out. But, uh, I wanted to overcome that critical nature that I had when I realized how critical I was.

And I thought, well, I don't want to be angry and saying, just saying that statements kind of like a double negative. Double negatives only work in math. When you multiply two negative numbers together, you get a positive outcome. It doesn't work in relationships. And so that criticism wasn't drawing people near to me.

It wasn't helping me be closer to them or, or, or vice versa. And so what I realized is that focusing on their faults, or their weaknesses, or their tics, or whatever it might be, was maybe 10 or 20 percent of their personality. I was totally missing Samantha, the 80 to 90 percent of their personality that was really good.

I created a tool for myself that I thought, well, I've tried a lot of things. I've created this tool thinking maybe this will work. And it's based on the love languages. It's just a cube that I created that has the love languages. There you see service. It looks like a waiter holding a plate for your listeners that are listening.

The next one is two hands put together forming a heart, kind of like the Taylor Swift's heart that she does at her concerts. But this one has a conversation flyout. So these would be the words from the heart. So we've got service, we've got words, next love language is time, the hand holding the hourglass.

That signifies time. Got a hand holding a gift. And then the last one was two hands touching one another. Those are the five love languages. Six sides on the cube. This last one surprised me. It's a hand holding a question mark. There's just two instructions. You roll the dice every day. Whatever it lands on, that is the love language you practice giving away all day that day.

So as I'm doing this, Samantha, what worked for me is I'm now looking at what's right with that person. What can I love about that person? Instead of focusing on what's wrong, I became so busy focusing on that 80 to 90 percent of that person. that I missed before, I stopped getting annoyed, stopped stacking annoyances until I had a flash of anger, go back down and stack the annoyances again.

I stopped being annoyed at other people and their tics or their flaws or their weaknesses. And I just started focusing on everybody's a person. And it really kind of just leveled the whole playing field with everybody I came in contact with because I saw everybody as a person. Rather, a person that is worthy of love, rather than any differences at all, they are deserving of love.

Yeah, for sure. And how can, um, I know in our Free interview. We're talking about how the neurodivergent community can use this dice that you made. Um, can you give us some ideas of how maybe parents might use it with their children? 

Sure. I tested this with a family of five children. The youngest was just four years old, and the four year old one day rolled physical touch.

The, and the four year old's pumping his fist, was so excited. Yes, physical touch, physical touch. And immediately started beating up on his older brothers. It's funny, and the mother was trying to suppress that laughter, Samantha. Seeing that this is a teaching moment, and all the children are right there.

This is the active teaching moment. So at that teaching moment, the mother says, No son, a high five, a fist bump, a chest bump. a fancy handshake or a hug would be appropriate physical touch. This would be appropriate way to send love to another person. And so there was a became a teaching moment for that child and all the other children.

I think that as we teach appropriate physical touch and appropriate love in all these other ways, what's going to happen, Samantha, is we're going to develop that for that child or and for the parents. We're going to develop a peripheral vision that most people don't have. Most people, according to Dr.

Chapman, and I agree with him, most people can only see what they like. They see their primary love language, and then they don't see it. Everything else might be nice, but it's not love to them. This way, by learning all five love languages, you increase the literacy of love in your home, And just in the neighborhood around you, you increase that literacy of love by learning all five lovelength, which is it becomes a basis of stacking those kindness on top of kindness on top of kindness to get to higher laws of love like charity.

or compassion, or forgiveness, or mercy, uh, for intimacy, or even trust. It helps you get to those higher laws of love. But we need to teach the children, teach everybody, just increase that literacy level to that, to that, um, to a level where they know all five love languages. It's quite different. It closes the communication gap for most people.

Because most people can only see what they like. They're missing people loving on them. This way they can say, Oh, they're loving on me. It's not my primary love language. And then you can respond to that. 

Yeah, for sure. And I think it's important to to know, like using this, you can teach your children maybe what it is.

Right. Their primary love languages, how they like to receive love, and then they can advocate for themselves so if they don't like hugs, if they don't like physical touch, because I know when I was a child I did not like physical touch, I didn't like people touching me, I didn't, I just didn't like it. And, um, It was important to learn how to advocate for yourself that, you know, you can say, no, I don't like hugs.

Please don't touch me. Or I prefer, you know, love shown in this way. And that way you can still feel comfortable around people and you feel comfortable advocating for yourself too. Have you noticed that or is 

Absolutely. With the dice, it happens to me and to others in a different way. As you're rolling the die and practicing that genre of love all day that day.

So two instructions, roll the dice every day, practice that love language all day that day. So as you're doing that, what you're watching for is people to light up. So you really, if they tell you what their love language is, that's okay. Maybe they're right. Maybe they're, maybe they're not right. I've had several people take that survey that Dr.

Chapman has, and it puts them kind of in a box. One couple that is local to me, they took, uh, she took the survey and said that she, her primary love language is service. Well, the husband's breaking his back, he's, he's vacuuming the carpet, he's helping with the dishes, helping with the laundry, washing her car, doing all these things.

She's still not happy. And he's, he's so frustrated, so he starts rolling the die, one day he rolls words, starts complimenting her, and all of a sudden, bingo, she lights up, and he discovers actually what her primary love language is. The survey was skewed, somehow was skewed, but she lighted, lit up when he started working with the words.

And it was a great discovery for him because now they're a much happier couple, now that there's that understanding. This is a whole lot better way. No longer, Samantha, do you have to say, Excuse me, could we pause this relationship for a moment? Well, I have to take your survey so I know I don't love you.

You don't have to do that, it's awkward, you know, we don't have to do awkward anymore. 

Yeah. And so if you're a parent with your kids, you can also see what they love. So maybe like you roll it and it's words and they can't process the words that you're saying. And so you need to find a different way to show appreciation or love for them.

And I love that, that it's just, you know, you have to kind of experiment a little bit, but you can see what they like and then you can see things to avoid. So for my kids, for example, like if I just said. To him, like, I appreciate you doing this. I, you were really awesome doing this. That makes him feel uncomfortable.

And he likes, but he likes it when I tell other people about him. And so, you know, you can, you can do that. Like it's still words, but it's not directly to him. It's to someone else. So, you know, just experimenting with that. I think it can create a better connection with your child too. 

I love the variety that this provides too.

Yeah. It's going to be a little bit of different things that you're practicing every single day. Still sending out love all the time, but just practicing in a different way. 

Hey there, it's Samantha. Are you a dedicated parent overwhelmed with navigating the unique challenges of raising a neurodivergent child?

You find it tough to understand impulsive behaviors, manage transitions, address educational concerns, handle sensory stimulation, and navigate social interaction struggles. The good news is you aren't alone. Here at Every Brain is Different, we're excited to announce our new membership program, Parenting Your Neurodivergent Child.

This is a community of parents working to enhance connections with their kids and gain a deeper understanding of their unique needs. With expert insights on positive parenting strategies and neuroaffirming practices, you will have concrete strategies to help your child succeed. You'll have opportunities to ask questions, hear from other parents, And feel empowered as a parent and finally feel peace in your home.

Join us on the second and third Thursdays of each month on Zoom. Visit www. everybrainisdifferent. com for more details. Let's embark on this journey together. 

One of the discoveries that I made, Samantha, different from my childhood, is that there are boundaries out there. And, and in my childhood, I didn't, there were no boundaries, you could, you could look over the neighbor's fence and see what they're doing and be critical about them.

And that was, there was no boundary, even though there was a fence there. Still no boundary. I realized that I can't bid love to come my way. The only thing I have control over is giving it away and responding when it comes my way. And I think that as parents work with those two things, teaching their children how to give love away, obviously, appropriately, when we're talking about love, we're not talking about sexual love.

We're talking about the decency of humankind. We're talking about just being a kind person, sending love out in that way and responding appropriately when it comes your way. And they'll learn that and once they learn that and develop that literacy, it's going to be a whole lot easier for them to be able to operate within those boundaries.

Yeah. And do you have any resources, um, to help people learn about the different love languages or how, you know, how it's. They can be used in different circumstances. So, you know, like between me and my husband or between me and my child, cause that is very different how I would show love. Um, you know, there's, there are some things that are the same, but there are some things that are different.

Like, where can people go to learn about the different love languages? 

Good questions, Matt, and I think that I've got, I've got a book that I've written that is 101 ways to express love, and it goes through about 20 different ways, 20 different suggestions for each one of the love languages. I also have a book called The Role of Love that I've written that goes through, through a lot of that too.

specific to individuals, it's just gonna have to be trial and error. You're just gonna have to watch their reaction when you send love out. If they're lighting up, that's you just take a mental note that that's what they like. It's either their primary or secondary love language. And it's it's really that that simple.

And it seems like it's too simple that it might not work. People would would doubt that it works. But the two seconds that it takes to roll the dice every day, I roll it in the morning. It almost sets a theme or a purpose for the day. I'm watching for those types of opportunities. Surprise Me Day is an opportunity to watch for any, any type of random act of kindness that I could send out to, to someone.

The whole thing to remember about this, Samantha, is no longer is it about me and what I like as my love language, it's all about them. It's all about sending it out. It's, you're putting, it's like putting money into the bank, and someday, for a rainy day, it's going to come back to you. It's the law of the harvest, the law of karma, the law of attraction, they're all kind of the same.

Whatever you send out, someday will come back. But don't expect it to come back right now. It's not, if you expect that, and expect something of a reciprocity, or reciprocal type of, of transaction, it is a transaction, it is more business like, and you're immediately paid. Uh, that, uh, that is kind of a lower level of love, it's really lower than what we're even talking, it's lower than the five love languages, it's a transaction.

You're, I'm giving you this in exchange for something back that I want. This style of love, and this style of learning the love languages, that I've developed is sending it out without any regard of it ever coming back, but focusing on how, on lighting people up, on making their day. When you make their day, there's great satisfaction in helping someone have a better day.

You'll light up three to five, three to 10, maybe people in a day, depending on how much interaction you have with others. But watching them light up is, is key to your own personal happiness. It really will help you have a better day. 

Yeah, and I think that's important to teach our kids that I know a lot of neurodivergent people are very social, like justice oriented.

And so, you know, if you do something, then you need to be. You know, just that, just that, um, concept of justice, like they have to equal out. And so if you do something bad, something bad has to happen to you. If you do something good, then something good has to happen to you. I know a lot of neurodivergent people think like that.

And it's important to teach our kids that just because you're giving out love, doesn't mean you're going to get love back from that person. And that's okay. You just. You know, maybe don't change how you're interacting with them, but just have that expectation that you're not maybe going to get that back from them, but you might get it from somebody else.

And so just understanding that. It just because you're kind to someone just because you show someone love they're not they may not show it back to you. And that is not a reflection on you. 

I agree. Absolutely agree. You know, I, as I've been using this, I've been sending love out all, all the time, all every day.

And as I'm doing that, I'm just have no expectation, but I just like it when When good things happen. One day I rode my electric bike a couple, it's about two miles to a local Chick fil a. And as I'm getting to the Chick fil a, I take my helmet off, go inside. There's just one person in front of me in line.

And then there's one person waiting for their food. So as I'm standing in line, I suddenly pat my pockets just to say, Oh, I forgot my money. So, I go back outside, I put my helmet on, the guy that was waiting for his food comes out. I must have been verbal about it, said, dang, I forgot my wallet, must have been, said something out loud, I don't remember saying something out loud, but he comes outside and said, come on back in, I'll pay for your breakfast.

And it was, he gave me a 20 bill, just give me the change. So I paid for my breakfast, it was only 4. And I gave him the 16 back. And it was just such a nice thing that a little stranger had done. But it's that type of thing that you can expect to happen. Some good things will come to you down the line without, there'll be surprise and you'll just be gracious about receiving that.

A lot of us will say, no, I'm okay. But the best part about it is that people want to serve, allow them that opportunity to, to provide that type of kindness or that type of service. 

Yes, absolutely. Like let them do service for you because that lifts them up as well as lifting yourself up. And. I think when you're focusing on doing service for other people too, it can change your outlook on life.

So even if you don't receive it back, you're still. You still have a more positive outlook on life and you can, I think, accomplish more and do more things because you're looking for opportunities to serve, you're looking for ways to help people, and then that makes it so you're not focusing on maybe the things that aren't going so well in your own life.

Exactly. It really provides that positive base for you to launch from, from the, from the beginning of the day. I'm watching for opportunities to send love out all day long. Hoping that I'll be able to light somebody up, hoping that I'll be able to help somebody have a better day. We can't be sitting in our, in our houses, Samantha, and hoping that somebody's going to knock on the door and bring us love.

It's just not going to be happening. We could get up out of our chair. We could walk around the neighborhood. There is pain under every household. And with that pain, there might be someone that you'll find that is in a little bit more painful state than you as you lift them up. It lifts you up as well.

It, it will buoy you up and there's nothing better than, than getting out of that chair, getting out of your own depression state, getting out of your own state of feeling just like war with me, feeling the victim, getting out of that chair and going and do something about it, walk your neighborhood, just walk around the block.

Somebody might be outside. You can say hello to them. You can brighten their day in some way. 

Yeah, and you can, um, I love this whole love language dicing too, that you have, because I think it's a good way to concretely share with your kids who happen to be neurodivergent how to appropriately do each act of service.

So like you were saying before, the four year old didn't understand that the physical touch Wasn't beating up on her, on his brothers. It was just, you know, like a hug or appropriate things. And I think it offers a great way for parents to approach that subject with their kids, because there are things that are not appropriate for physical touch, especially, or for words, or, you know, just all the different things that they can do.

And it provides an opportunity for the. You know, like a fun, you can make it into a game style where, you know, you roll the dice and you're like, okay, I'm going to give you three things. Which one does this fit? Which categories does this fit into, you know, and it just helps, um, teach those concepts more concretely to kids who maybe need.

That level of teaching. 

I absolutely agree with that. But in that family that I, that tested in the four year old wrote physical touch. It wasn't really his problem, so to speak. It was the older brothers must have been beaten up on him before. Yeah. 

Yeah. 

And he was hoping, hoping, hoping that he wrote physical touch because today's my day.

Yeah. I get to do it back. And it's just, you know, it's just. It was a hurrah day for him, but it really, it was just kind of in that family. It fixed the problem indirectly. So teaching the four year old also taught those older brothers that appropriate physical touch is not beating on your brothers. 

Yeah, for sure.

I love it. I know for my own kids, I have to be very. Um, I cannot be abstract in my language, but be very clear in what I mean. And so I just think that rolling the dice and showing them that and then being able to talk about it and offering some different examples can really help teach the concepts that you're trying to teach.

So, you know, like saying one thing and teaching them, well, if you say this, it might mean this, or if you say this, it could mean this. And so just teaching them. And not abstract terms, what things are, so 

yeah, I think you can make a very clear muscle testing this Samantha in schools and for now I'm doing it in K through six.

And so a couple of things happen that way, you know, the classroom doesn't have much time at all because they've got a curriculum, they've got the school district maybe breathing down their backs to try to try to get the whole curriculum done in a short amount of time. So it can't take too much time out of it, but the two seconds to roll the die in the morning, and that the teacher might explain for 30 or 45 seconds.

Class. This is the type of behavior that would represent. This is what we're looking for that day. The class goes around, does their thing. At the end of the day, I've talked to several teachers across the world, Samantha, and every teacher says the same thing. Their last 10 to 15 minutes of the day is non productive time.

The kids are tired, they've been studying, learning all day, their minds are mush, they're ready to go home, they're antsy, they're ready, waiting for that bell to ring. So they're not getting much done in the last 10 to 15 minutes. So in that period of time, you need a decompression activity. One great decompression activity is to write in a journal.

So what I've done, excuse me, what I've created is put together a journal that has what they Opportunities they start to love in that way, what they did about those opportunities. At the end of the day, now that that first grader is writing or drawing a picture in that journal, the teacher at the end of the day will check that Johnny did it, or Mary did it, and then send it home with the child.

The astute parents will actually categorize those journal entries, put them in chronological order. At the end of that first grade, Now you have a first grade love journal for that first grader. I would have loved to have a love journal from my own first grade year. It was so diabolically different that year, first grade year from my home life.

I absolutely loved my, my teacher, Mrs. Rogers. She was probably in her 60s when, when she was teaching and was toward the end of her teaching career. But I felt very, I felt loved in that classroom. There's a reason that I remember Mrs. Rogers name. I don't remember my second, third, fourth, or fifth grade teachers.

I do remember sixth grade. But there's a reason that I, that I loved Mrs. Rogers. And, and I wanted to go to school. I, it was a better place to be than to be at home. So it was just a loving place. I wish I would have had a journal for that. The second thing that happens with doing this in the school system is that these children Are focused on correct behavior on right behavior doing nice things instead of bullying instead of being violent instead of doing anything like that or misbehaving in any way so that the teacher or the principal might have to discipline them.

Now the child's in charge of their own destiny there, they have to decide what they're going to do that day and how they're going to love that day. And they have to report at it at the end of the day, knowing that is going to be a kind of a check and balance system for that child on the attitude so that they're going to have a more of a loving attitude all day long.

We need that in our school systems these days. There's a lot of violence there. And if we can implement this now, they'll have that loving attitude in primary school, middle school. High school, college, maybe their life. We can help change a generation like this by helping them, teaching them how to love appropriately.

Yeah, that is fantastic. I love it all. I think I'm going to start doing that with my kids. Just roll the dice in the morning. And then be like, Hey, we're going to focus on this today and then have the journal because that'd be really cool to see it, you know, like throughout your life, like how you've shown love to other people in those different ways.

Um, okay. So where can people find you if they want to learn more about this? 

I have a website called Roll of Love and I did a play on words, Samantha. You roll the dice outside of you, R O L L, but the change that happens within is R O L E. That's, and that's what I named the, it's called Roll of Love, R O L E of love.

com. They can find the dice, they can find a book, they can find the journal, they can find the ebook that I also have on there. All of that's on there. If they want to do the whole package system, I have a bundled package That for the book, the journal and the dice for just 29. 99. Okay. And that's, that's a whole lot less than just one therapy session.

Yeah. And it's going to last you a whole lot longer. 

Yeah, yeah, for sure. And then our last question is, what do you do for fun? 

What do I do for fun? I play pickleball every morning. I get up very early. I play, have a little group of pickleball players that I play at 6, between 6 and 7 a. m. Just I love the love of the game so much.

I can't get enough of pickleball and to my my children are now starting to play it and aunts and uncles and cousins are starting and it's really we're we're in the pickleball craze right now. So I love pickleball. 

That is awesome. I love it. I know I need to start playing because I know a lot of people who love it like My aunt and uncle built a pickleball court in their backyard when they built their new house.

So yeah, for sure. Well, thank you for coming on the show. I really appreciate it. 

Thank you, Samantha. It's been a delight to be with you. 

Yeah, thanks. Thank you for listening to this episode. We hope the discussion on neurodiversity has provided you with. support, understanding, and inspiration. You found our podcast valuable.

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