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Welcome to Every Brain is Different, the podcast where we celebrate the unique world of neurodiversity. We are your hosts, Samantha Foote, a neurodivergent, Board Certified Music Therapist and mom to three kids of ADHD and autism. And Lauren Ross, an ally to the neurodivergent community with over 10 years of experience supporting children and adults with autism.

This podcast is for parents like you. Navigating the world of neurodiversity with love and compassion. Together we'll create a world where every brain is valued and celebrated. We're excited to embark on this enlightening journey with you.

Transcript:

Samantha Foote: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Every Brain is Different podcast, and happy April and Autism Awareness Month, or Autism Acceptance Month, as people say.

I like acceptance month, so.

Lauren Ross: Agreed. Agreed.

Samantha Foote: Yeah. Lauren and I are here with you, and we are going to talk about, speaking of autism awareness, [00:01:00] talking to your kids' coaches in sports if your kid is neurodivergent, and how you can help them understand your child. Because this is a really tricky subject for people. A lot of parents, they don't wanna be, like, that parent that causes issues, or they don't wanna single their kid out. But I think it's really important for coaches to know, like, about the invisible disabilities, and just them knowing, like, "Hey, this is how my kid works. Like, he's a little bit different than other kids," you know? So that's why we're talking about this today.

Lauren Ross: I, I agree, and I think there's, there's great ways to go about this without seeming like a, like a crazy person or a crazy overbearing parent or whatever, so.

Samantha Foote: Yeah. Yeah, because if your kid had a physical disability, you would tell the coach. Like, my [00:02:00] son has a congenital eye cataract, and so he doesn't see that great out of one of his eyes, and so I told the coach, "Hey, he doesn't see really well on that side of his eye, like, on that side of his body. That's why he's wearing glasses. But just so you're aware, like, if he doesn't pay attention when you're on that side of him, that's why." And he's- Yeah ... "Oh, thank you for telling me." But I didn't tell him about his autism, and I, I told him later, but I didn't tell him then, and I'm like, "Why wouldn't you tell them about both?" That seems silly to me. Now, looking back, it seems silly to me. But, um, yeah. There is a league in Idaho. Obviously, there's Special Olympics, like Special Olympics is everywhere, but, and that is a great resource if your kid wants to play Special Olympic sports. There's also, if your kid wants to be in, like, a neurotypical sport, then this obviously is more [00:03:00] important to talk to the coach about. And then there, if you're in Idaho, I really strongly recommend, in the Treasure Valley, Game Changers is fantastic. If you're looking for maybe something as a starter for your kids when they're getting into sports, or if they're not quite appropriate for a PAL, or I'm just naming off, like, things that we have here, but I don't know, just a normal, typical sports league. And I really like it because they slow the game down. They focus on soccer and flag football, and they're getting more sports, so that's exciting. But they are for all kids that have disabilities, whether it's, like, invisible ones like autism, ADHD, or if you have physical disabilities or anything like that. So you can definitely look into those if you are wanting something a little slower [00:04:00] paced that's made for kids with disabilities. But today we're mostly talking about if your kid's in, like, a neurotypical sports league.

But why does this matter? Coaches are so important for kids, but coaches can do things that might set your kid off.

Lauren Ross: Yes.

Samantha Foote: Like sensory overload, or rigid expectations, or fast-paced instructions, or just the social dynamics of it, where the coach will be like, "Go do this, this, this, and this." Well, if your kid has trouble processing speech, or they have ADHD and can't follow a four-step direction, then they're going to feel like a failure because they're not doing what was asked because they literally can't do it. It's not that they won't do it, it's that their brain won't let them do it.

Lauren Ross: Yeah. And it's not that they're not capable of the sport itself, either.

Samantha Foote: Yeah. You just need to change expectations. So telling the [00:05:00] coach, like, "Hey, my kid can't process four-step directions. Can you ask him to do one step, a one-step direction? Or maybe he can do two-step directions." Or my kid, if they have pathological demand avoidance, you can say, "It's based in anxiety. He wants to do something, but he goes into fight or flight when you make a demand like that, so can you talk like this?" And some coaches are gonna be like, "No, I'm not doing that," and then you just have to work with them. And other coaches will be like, "Yeah, for sure, I can do that, no problem." So it just, it just depends on the kind of coach you're getting, and we're gonna talk a little bit more about that towards the end of the podcast, like what you can do if the coach is really not willing to work with you. I know my son had two completely different experiences with coaches. He had a soccer coach, [00:06:00] and I told the coach, "Hey, he has autism. This is what's going on. We think he might have epilepsy, so when he looks like this, that he's probably having a seizure, like a absent seizure." And the coach was like, "Oh yeah, we'll work with him. We'll, we'll do what needs to get done." And then this other coach just completely refused, and he was a baseball coach, and he ruined baseball for my son because he, instead of working with him and like just doing the small things that I asked, he would yell at him and be like, "What's your problem? Get it done right now. Get running," like all this stuff. And I'm like, "Why? Why do you refuse- to like just word things a little differently?"

Lauren Ross: Yeah.

Samantha Foote: He was mad because the kids needed to do what he said, when he said it, do it right now, and he was very much that type of coach, not the type of coach to like work with kids. Just do it my [00:07:00] way or don't do it at all, and if you're not gonna do it, then I'm gonna threaten you and make you run, and like all this stuff. You don't want coaches like that.

Lauren Ross: I was like, that sounds like a terrible coach. Maybe- It was- ... for like some extreme or like really competitive, competitive, but we're, we're, we're talking about little kids in soccer and baseball. Calm down.

Samantha Foote: Yeah. Yeah. I was like, "We're not in like the World Series here, dude. What is happening?" And I do think that kids need to learn to do things when someone asks them to do it, but if your kid has PDA, once again, it's not that they don't want to do it, it's that they literally can't do it. And so just getting people to understand that is, I think, a hard part of that. But hopefully you can get a coach that will work with you.

Lauren Ross: Yes.

Samantha Foote: And so we're gonna talk about two different ways that you can talk to [00:08:00] coaches or get your message across.

The first one is just writing a letter or an email, and then like maybe the first day of practice or even before the first day of practice, you take the letter to them, hand it to them, and just say, "Hey, these are some things I would like you to know about my kid. If you have any questions, let me know." And this is a great, like low-pressure first step. Like you're not confronting them, you're just letting them know, this is what, you know, this is what my kid is, this is how they're maybe a little bit different, here's how they succeed, and then what to avoid, and then reassurance and reassuring them, like, "I'm not asking for special treatment. I'm just setting them up for success, and I'm setting you up for success." And one of the biggest things, I think, is just be collaborative. Just say, "I'm happy to support you however I can. I want this to be a successful experience for my child. I want this to be a [00:09:00] successful experience for the team and for you. Here are my suggestions of how that might be able to happen. If you have other suggestions, let me know and I'll give you my feedback."

And then if you don't wanna write a letter, you can talk in person. And I recommend this more for if you already have an established relationship with the coach, or the sport is, like, really intense, high stakes, different things like that, not like your run-of-the-mill little league baseball or whatever.

But tips for an in-person conversation include: ask for a few minutes before or after practice. Don't just go in the middle of the practice and be like, "Hey, I need to talk to you right now." That's never gonna go over well. But if you can catch them at the end, and not demand that you talk to them right then, just say, "Hey, I would like to talk to you about my [00:10:00] child. Do you have a few minutes, like, next practice or after practice today, or some time that I could talk to you?" And once again, come with that collaborative, um-

Lauren Ross: Collaborative front- I like to say.

Samantha Foote: Yeah, yeah ... Just, yeah, and the collaborative attitude of just being like, "I want to collaborate with you. Like, I appreciate y- what you're doing. I appreciate that you're being the coach," because a lot of times these coaches are volunteer. Like, they're not getting paid. And so I really do appreciate the coaches that come and they're... And if they are getting paid, I know, like, when I was in high school, like, our volleyball coach or whatever got paid, like, $1,000 for the season.

Lauren Ross: That’s so much.

Samantha Foote: Which is basically… you’re doing it for free. So-

Lauren Ross: Gas money to get there.

Samantha Foote: Yeah, yeah. But just lead with appreciation. Just be like, "Thank you so much for being willing to do this. Thank you for taking the time. Thank you [00:11:00] for, like, planning the practices and all this stuff." And then be clear, but be brief. Just say, "I wanted to share a couple things that might help my child get the most out of practice that will help you be more, that will help you be successful with him," and share the same things you would share in the letter. You're just talking about it instead of sharing it in the letter. And then once again being like, "Let me know if you'd like to chat more. I'm happy to support you however I can. I just want everyone to be successful."

And then we are gonna talk a little bit about the “I don't want to be needy” feeling. And this is so common. I would be worried if you weren't worried about being this person. Because usually the people who aren't worried about being this person are the ones that are that person. They're like, "The world revolves around me, the world revolves around my child, and I'm gonna ask for special treatment because my baby deserves the [00:12:00] best."

Lauren Ross: Good for you. But you're not the baby.

Samantha Foote: Yeah, but you're not- Yeah, yeah, right? But you're not being needy, you're just being an advocate for your child. And like Katie Fortune said at the summit and on the podcast that she was on, the podcast episode, “your child needs you to be an advocate while they learn to be an advocate for themselves.” Like, maybe if your child is older, they can do this with the coach. Like, they can hand them a letter and say, "Hey, this is just a little bit about me that might help us work together better." Or they can talk to their coach, like, before or after practice and just say, "These are some things. Like, I have autism and these are my triggers," or, "This is what helps me understand what you're saying," or any of that. But maybe when they're, like, five years old, you're not gonna make them do that. Right? So be an advocate for them, and then they will learn that you're an advocate for them, and then they [00:13:00] will learn how to be an advocate for themselves.

Lauren Ross: Exactly.

Samantha Foote: Hey, everyone, Samantha here, and I'm thrilled to invite you to join me for something special, the Parenting Power Hour. This is your chance, parents of neurodivergent kids, to bring your questions directly to me and fellow parents in the room. We're here to help you develop actionable plans that really work so you can finally stop the meltdowns and find peace in your home. As a mom to three kids with ADHD and autism, I've seen and been through the challenges too. So trust me, we'll find solutions together that fit your family. Don't miss out on the Parenting Power Hour. It's a free online monthly gathering every second Thursday of the month from 12:45 to 1:45 Mountain Standard Time. Visit everybrainisdifferent.com to reserve your spot today.

Samantha Foote: But the truth is, most coaches appreciate the help, the heads-up, and it does help them coach better. And so I know if I was a coach, I would wanna [00:14:00] know if, if I said a certain word it would set a kid off. Like, I wouldn't say that word anymore. Or if I raised my voice, it would make them retreat further, then I'm probably gonna work harder not to raise my voice. Yeah. But once again, be collaborative, don't be demanding. Don't say, "I'm gonna get my kid off this team unless you do these things." Well, then they'll probably be like, "K, peace out."

Lauren Ross: Not worth the trouble.

Samantha Foote: Yeah, but if you're collaborative and just want everyone to be successful. And then if they have an issue with what you're asking them to do, you can further explain it or you can be like, "Okay, this is what I've seen work with my kid. What would you suggest doing that you think would work better for you?" And then you can talk about that if it, you think it would work for your kid, or if you'd be like, "Well, we tried that and it really didn't work out very well."

And then another fear that [00:15:00] people have is that they don't wanna single their kid out, and they don't want to make their kid feel different. They don't want the attention on their kid. Like, "Oh, I'm gonna watch this kid because they're a troublemaker, because they need all these accommodations," right? That's some of the attitudes that I've heard from some people. But you can frame things in terms of what helps all the kids. So you can say, you know, "Research has shown that clear directions, clear instructions help all kids. It helps all kids perform better. Positive reinforcement rather than punishment helps all kids perform better." And then that's not just taking the accommodations that you're asking for and putting it on your own kid. That's saying, "These things work for everybody, so let's just do them for everyone," you know?

Lauren Ross: Exactly.

Samantha Foote: And then it's not stigmatizing for your kid, 'cause other kids might notice like, "Hey, the coach talks to them differently [00:16:00] than they talk to me. Like, why is that?" But if the coach is talking the same to all the kids, but talking in a way that your child understands, then it's not stigmatizing and it helps everyone succeed.

And then focus on strengths. So you can say, like, "My kid brings amazing energy and creativity. They just need a little help staying regulated, so can you remind them what they're supposed to be doing? If all of a sudden they're out picking daisies, like in the grass- ... then just remind them, be like, Hey, this is what we're doing right now. You don't have to yell at them. You don't have to get forceful with them. They just need the simple reminder of, Hey, this is what we're doing right now."

Lauren Ross: Yeah. Simple, kind redirection.

Samantha Foote: Yeah. Yeah. And then, once again, what do we do if the coach doesn't listen? So the extreme option, I would say, but you have [00:17:00] the option, is to see if they can change teams or talk to their supervisor or talk to someone above them who can maybe talk to them and be like, "Hey, can you do this?" But my mom did that when I was in high school, and I was on the starting team in high school. I never played again in- ... like, on the starting team. I was considered a practice player after that, even though before that I was, like, starting every game, playing most of the game. And so I would just be careful with that one, just because coaches can be vindictive.

Lauren Ross: I was like adults are petty. Let's be honest, guys.

Samantha Foote: Adults are petty, yeah.

Lauren Ross: They are petty people, and- Yeah ... they don't care.

Samantha Foote: Yeah. But yeah, it wasn't even about, we didn't know I was neurodivergent back then, obviously, but the coach made me do, like, an extra workout right after I got my wisdom teeth out. And [00:18:00] so my mom just went and talked to her about it, and talked to the head coach about it, and they did not like that. So I would just be careful about talking to supervisors or whatever, because people can be very petty. Like, obviously, if it needs to happen, then it needs to happen, but just know that, yeah, like Lauren said- Yeah ... adults are petty.

Lauren Ross: I feel like, too, like, at the end of the day, an adult coach who's coaching children is, like, that rigid and unwilling to just change the way they, they speak or give an instruction, then I don't know, I think you're just better off finding a d- different coach.

Samantha Foote: Yeah, for sure.

Lauren Ross: But it's hard if your options are super limited, so.

Samantha Foote: Yeah, it's hard. I would say it's easier if you're, like, on a team, you know, that with younger kids, but then when you get into middle [00:19:00] school and high school sports- like, that's a lot harder. And so some things that I recommend is document your attempts, document the attempts that you have speaking to the coach about your child's disability. You can talk to the athletic director, you can talk to school staff or other supportive adults. And if the environment is harmful, it's okay to walk away and find something else. If your child's on a high school team, maybe you join a different, like, a club team or a traveling team or whatever. But sometimes if the coach is, I'm gonna say toxic, and not willing-

Lauren Ross: Yeah.

Samantha Foote: to work with you, that's not doing any favors for your child's mental health. And so that might be a time that you just have to walk away.

Lauren Ross: Yeah.

Samantha Foote: But definitely document your attempts, document all the, like, the conversation that you have with them and all of that so that people [00:20:00] can see, "Hey, I tried, and they're unwilling to work with me." 'Cause, 'cause the people who hire them want to know that, like, they want to know if they're doing the best thing for students and for players. But yeah, those are my suggestions.

Lauren Ross: Yeah. I have one other, just a reminder- not necessarily with coaches, but just a reminder to parents with their children in sports, especially- Really acknowledging if they are enjoying the sport and actually want, because I know so many parents wanna socialize their kids and, you know, "You're gonna join soccer," and they have zero interest in doing soccer. They are not the sports, and maybe you as a, like when you were little, were all into sports. And sometimes, like, you can give the coach all of these things, but if your child actually doesn't want to be there, then it might be, like, a moo point at that point, so.

Samantha Foote:Yes.

Lauren Ross: Make sure that it is something [00:21:00] that they wanna do, and they do enjoy it, not something that you're trying to force onto them.

Samantha Foote: Yeah. I've just had to let sports go for one of my kids because he is not interested, and sometimes he'll go and play and be totally fine, and then other times he'll just sit on the field and refuse to move. And so I was like, "Okay, we're done. You don't have to do sports. Like, you can be active in other ways." But that was hard for me because-

Lauren Ross: I remember that. You struggled.

Samantha Foote: Yeah, I did struggle because you want your kid to learn how to be on a team, learn how to work together, and just have fun. Like- I loved sports. I loved playing sports. I loved playing the piano. Like, sports weren't, like, a huge part of my life, but I was always involved in a sport, except for springtime, because springtime was competitive piano time. So, but, like, fall and winter, I [00:22:00] would always be involved. In summer, I'd be involved in sports, just 'cause it was fun for me. But it's not fun for him, and if it's not fun, what is the point? I know that some people want their kids to get, like, scholarships and stuff, but if they're not enjoying it, they're not gonna play like their best, and they're probably not gonna get a scholarship anyway. And there's other ways to get a college scholarship if you want your kid to do it.

I know someone who, he was playing baseball because he thought his parents wanted him to. His parents didn't care, but he thought his parents wanted him to. And so then he just started, like, being awful, and he was just, like, being awful on purpose because he thought it would get his parents to let him quit, and to ask him to quit or something. And I'm like, "That's so funny." So my point to that being, if your kid is playing a sport, [00:23:00] you can be very specific and say, "If you do not want to play this sport anymore, it's fine. We don't have to do that. We can do something else. Like, you don't have to do this." But be very, like- Literal and clear and all of that so that they understand that they don't have to do that if they don't want to. It's completely their choice. 'Cause his parents did not care what he did. Like, they didn't care if he played, but he had been playing for so long that he thought that they cared. But yeah.

So to recap, if you have a coach, then, and your kid's in sports, I highly recommend telling them that your kid is autistic or ADHD or dyslexic or whatever, and you can write them a letter, you can talk to them in person, [00:24:00] whatever, but tell them what works for your kid, what doesn't work for your kid, how they are successful, and be collaborative.

I think that's the most important thing is just be collaborative.

So thank you all for listening this week, and we will be back next week, so thank you very much. And remember, if you have questions for us, you can come to the Parenting Power Hour. It's the second Thursday of the month from 12:45 to 1:45 Mountain Time, and that is just your time to come. You can ask me whatever question you want. I might have the answer. Hopefully I'll have the answer, but if I don't, other parents will also be there, and they can give their opinions, and it's just a time for support and getting your questions answered and just giving any help that we can give.

Lauren Ross: Know that you are not alone.

Samantha Foote: Yes, Yes! It's just a time for you to know that you're not alone and just get that support [00:25:00] that you need. So if you're interested in that, you can go to everybrainisdifferent.com. And we will see you next week.

Thank you for listening to today's episode. We hope this discussion on neurodiversity has provided you with support, understanding and inspiration. If you're looking for more support, Or you can go to everybrainisdifferent.com and download the ultimate guide to parenting your neurodivergent child.